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Old 02-26-2008, 01:55 PM   #1
Montauktammy
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Hi I am Tammy and I am an Addict

I was born in Tampa Mc Dill air force base I cost $5 my Dad is a Viet Nam vet I was 2 months old when he left for his tour, My dad came back he would rage I don't remember to much till I was about 8 or 9 years old and we Moved to long Island when I was about 3 or 4 I am just starting to get those back so it is pretty fuzzier till about 10, I know that when I would get my dad shots of rye I would take sips off the top to not spill it, if we spilled things or made messes we stood the chance of getting a beating. By the time I was 10 I was smoking pot and running away from home bout 2 a month, my parents tried to stop me, you ever tried to stop a fright train? Not such a good idea any way. My mom got sick and was in the hospital in a coma for a week, so my dad had his hands full with me and my brother and trying to go see my mom, my dad at the time was a commercial fisherman, he was up at 4:30 home by 2:00 and then took a 45 min drive to the hospital to see my mom. So my life of not dealing with my feelings had started. Mom should have died, but she made it home not the same mom that left, she hated me now cause I had taken over her job, cooking, cleaning ect. I tried to be the good kid, it never worked. I had this sinking feeling that I was wrong born different than all the rest not good enough. By the time I had turned 14 I was drinking daily, so I did not have to deal with what was going on around me high school fitting in oh by the way I did not quite fit in at all, I was mean hateful no one would talk to me the where scared of me. I never smiled, I never laughed at all. Things get a bit hazier for me here I must have been blacking out at some of these points, I do remember meeting a boy that I fell head over heels in love with when I was about 15, he drank and smoked pot too, but he did harder drugs too and he turned me on to them. There was one drug that I fell madly in love with and I remember thinking I always want to feel like this and I never wanted that to stop, I did not know at the time, the feeling was nothingness, my head stopped all the chatter and all I could hear was a hum in my head. Me and my boyfriend went to places with this drug I never thought I would go and I stay with this boyfriend
For a long time until the day he got down on his knees and begged me to stop using, after one of my friends had ODed and died. Most of my friends at this point had stared calling me Ice Princess, They said it was because I was so cold and harden that my heart must have been made of Ice. I was a joke then, not so funny now. I told my boyfriend that if he loved me he would understand why I could not stop, and that this is who I was and I was never going to change. His stuff was gone then next day, I have seen him two times again and I was still using and I have not seen him in over 9 years I don't know if he is alive or dead and we dated for about 3 years off and on. I have never told how wrong I was.
So I tried to stop at one point cause of some legal trouble moved back with my parents thinking that would work, stayed off my DOC for a while, but I was young 21 I can drink just don't use. Well my DOC become more of what ever I could get, Sex, drinking, drugs, insanity. I went to a bar and found this man who could drink like me so it was on, I stayed with him for a year got pregnant and that is Meg. I never wanted kids, but I knew from the moment I knew she was mine and I was not going to let her down I stopped using while pregnant but it all came back when she was born me and her father who I never truly loved where fighting all the time when was a drunk and I was a junkie, what a mix, I realized that I was going to kill him he had become abusive and I was having thought of slitting his thought shooting him, not sane so I left him went to counseling Meg's dad did not leave me alone for like 3 years, I tried to go back but I did not love him and I was trying not to use while he was drinking all the time. After I left him for good he started bring me to family court to get custody of Meg, he did not want her he just wanted to hurt me, I see that now. The Men Mr. T, Mr. D, Mr. S, and Mr. R. Mr. T was the one who needed me to take care of him did not work become homeless and knocked up, miscarriage. Mr. D was the one who was going to fix me He was a crack head and help me to my bottomed homeless and miscarried. Mr. R is the one that was going to keep me from using he was homeless at the end and I was sleeping with my landlord for the rent. No miscarriage but I had abortion. Buy this time , I had found the rooms but not clean no way on the white key tag I was not ready to stop! I was dealing at the meeting. I had this old Indianan woman come over one night put her arm around my shoulder and say I am praying for you. I ran out of that meeting!
I had won the custody battle that had been going on for 3 years so I tried to move to FL where my parents had moved 2 years before and they could help me with Meg. I violated a court order of visitation. Meg was brought back to New York by her father right after 9-11 I had to get on a plane and go get my kid. They told me if I did not sing her over to her dad the state would take her and I would never see her again. So that is what I did. I was staying with my grandparents and I went back there after court I had nothing no car no home no clothing nothing. I told my grandparents I was going for a walk. I had planed to go sit on the rail road tracks and wait for the train to come . I walked through the town I had grew up in and partied in I walked past a bar that I use to go to it felt like every thing had slowed down when I looked in I saw it was the same as the last time I was there I kept walking, I don't know how but I wound up at a church asked a man was there a meeting tonight, he said yes but it was a men's meeting, I started crying. He asked me if I needed help? I said yes I need some help I want to die. He put me in his truck and took me to a meeting put me on the steps and said wait here this is a woman's meeting they will be here in a half an hour. I did not understand at the time why he was leaving me and not sitting there with me to make sure I was going to stay. He left later I found out that he had told one of my BF in recovery what had happened and how much he needed a meeting after seeing me I was insane. True I was insane. I will add the recovery part 2orrow got to get some work done
My first 90 days of recovery where the hardest for me yes I wanted to use everyday, and I did a day count in every meeting for one year. I had a tuff sponsor, I did a 90 in 90 I worked steps and I keep going to court to try to Get Meg back, after 90 day my sponsor Cat asked me why are you here in the rooms is it to get your Kid back or to get clean? I said I don't know! She said I can't tell you how to get your kid back! I was crushed, the she said I can teach you how to stay clean if you don't get her back. I look at her and said well it got to be better than it was right? So I had Hope, that it would get better I did not know I was going to get what I wanted but it would get better. I had one of those crash course steps where I ran not walked through the steps, and is all about my using and my past. I learned that I was not a very pleasant person to be around and I was selfish and self-seeking. Then I worked the steps with Helen who had like 2 years more than me we never got all the way through the steps she had a lot on her plate but she taught me how to have a work ethic. Carolyn taught me how to be a mom and a good friend how to be a part of a family. All of this took me about 3 years I had a good friend who could not stay clean Steve Z he died using but Steve taught my how to love people unconditionally. I had lost hope that I would ever get Meg back full time I had visits and paid child support. I accept my part in her life. One night after my visit with her her father picked her up and him and I get in to a verbal fight again, at this point I had CPS helping me keep track of her cause of Her fathers drinking and driving with her in the car. I went to work that night there was a lake right out side where I worked it was January 4th 2004 I look up at the star filled sky and said God I can't keep doing this my baby needs to come home, please let her come home. And I cried. I went home got home late about 1 or 2 am after a meeting. Went to sleep I woke at 8 am to my child screaming on the phone mommy mommy come get me I am scared. I picked up the phone a man got on the phone and said your husband just hit my car and he is drunk I have your kid you need to come get her. I said he is not my husband let me talk to her and tell her I am coming to get her. Then I call the cops to ask the to go get her for me and I would be there to pick her up ASAP! Meg came home that day , I thought to my self I got my girl back not God gave me Meagen back. (still Sick) I stop going to meeting for a year in that time I move to my parents in Tampa to get help raising my child and wow a lot happened in that year I got a good job in Tampa still work there. One night 4th of July I went to go see the fire works and as we where sitting there 2 white vans pull up this man who was driving got out I said hi where you coming from( I knew what it was) He said I can't tell you, I laughed and said hey my name is Tammy I got 4 years how about you he said me too 4 years and him and I started talking he told me where some meeting where in Tampa told me where to look on line. And the next week I went back to meetings by the grace of God. I got a sponsor here Weezie she has taught me so much. 4,5 where hard years for me with relationships. I found out that I can't be with someone who drinks, but I can know that I love them any way I just can't be with them. At the end of that relationship I almost used but I did not cause God carried me. Then I got into another relationship with a new comer, Not such a good idea by the way. But I did not want to deal with my feelings and for 5 months I caretaked for him and almost used again, that is when I knew I had to learn how to deal with my feelings. And that is where I am now learning growing changing. By the grace of God I have my Child back, by the grace of God I have myself back and I am getting to know who I am Clean. I am not the same person I was when I walked in the rooms, I am not the same person I was 5 months ago. I have 6 years clean By the Grace of God I have hope for a better way today. NA has given me tools to learn how to live, God has Given me HOPE today. Thank you all for my clean time i could have never done it alone
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Old 02-26-2008, 02:23 PM   #2
monkeyofstick
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You Rock!
I guess later I will have to add mine.
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If I am not the problem....
then there is no solution...
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Old 02-26-2008, 03:31 PM   #3
Montauktammy
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Yep if i can you can
I will have to put the recovery on there
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Old 05-22-2008, 04:51 PM   #4
wharfrat2108
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East end represent, we breed some exceptional addicts out there! I am a child of the north fork, who now lives in western nassua. Thanks for sharing.
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There is a solution, that implies one solution; the spirtual awakening spawned by working the steps. There are not various options or differing ways to go about it. Just one!
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Old 05-29-2008, 02:07 PM   #5
Montauktammy
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we breed some exceptional addicts out there!
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Old 03-12-2012, 09:42 AM   #6
Mountainmanbob
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nice story told

Quote:
Originally Posted by Montauktammy View Post

I have 6 years clean
By the Grace of God I have hope for a better way today.
nice story told

just goes to show
God came to save sinners such as us
many blessings sent
from
Mountainman
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