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Old 03-03-2012, 11:46 AM   #1
abrokenworld
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I feel more unhappy sober it seems

That's just what I feel like and I feel bad about that. I don't want that. I never have it's just I realized I'm so depressed without it. And if I keep using the baby will have to be taken away at birth. I already think anyway with drugs I'm stuck with him. I'm stuck guys like my ex. He was horrible. I got with him because he gave me drugs if I slept with other guys for money. He beat me wanted me to stay inside all the time he threatened to lock me up in a room. He also threatened if it wasn't his. He'd kill it. It's not even his. I tried to quit but it's been a 13 year battle with Meth already I don't know if I can be ready to have a baby so soon. The thing is I'm not happy about it. I feel like getting an abortion means I'm putting myself and addiction first. I am also too far alo But I feel it's doomed if I keep it. I feel like depressed about it like nothing good can come out of it. Plus I don't know recovery really emotionally. But I got no money to get one family might be able to help but I'm further along it would be expensive they're in a crisis and I don't want them to know where I am. But then again I think what does it matter if I can't keep this sober act up I'm bound to end up with a guy like him. So in a way I kind wish I were back with him if it means all that I worked for is going down the tubes literally. I just am never hapy. I'm always sad my life seems to never have any hope. I'm just a lost meth addicted pregnant old hag and I can't really think I'll get better either way and I don't want anyone to suffer with me. I have already ruined my other 3 kids lives...

But I don't deserve to have another child.
I am a mom to 2 kids in heaven through mc and substance abuse and one child who's my only child here right now. All three went through a lot. I failed them all as a mother. One I used while pregnant made bad choices got into fights and miscarried it at 7 weeks saddest thing I can't even name it because I don't know if it was a boy or a girl. My only living child. I was married with a man with a good job thought I fell in love with him and our 'son'. He didn't beat me like dad did mom and me. And I thought life would be perfect. I screwed that up too. First 3 years, his dad got worst and he went to more parties getting into more dangerous substances. He did cocaine and got addicted to that eventually... I started doing it too. And eventually I got caught up doing speed. I have always been heavily addicted to it... I stopped caring about anything. Jackie was about 3. I abandoned her at my aunt's my uncle's my friend's a neighbor's anyone's house. I wasn't there for her many of the time and I know I made bad choices I just wasn't a mom to any of them it seemed. I lost that chance with them both. My daughter's grown up to have identity issues but more than that we weren't there when she needed us the most. I wasn't there much. A close family member abused her for years of which I felt ashamed we would have known if we had cared for her and been there for her. We left them for days alone neither of us were parents. She eventually got hospitalized on several occasin and was diagnosed with bpd. She won't speak to me. We lived in cars to motels to shelters. My eldest I still can't help but feel that I killed him. Not directly but if I had stood up for him and not been consumed with the addiction with this sick longing my life could have been so different. I let him beat him and we got low on money for drugs so my ex sold my son into prostitution. I didn't do anything to protect I just wanted to get high I pretended it didn't happen. I felt like if I left I'd have nowhere to go. At times I worked as a stripper to just make money. I most of the time had no job or experience and had a 7th grade education. He got disability so without him I was pretty much on the streets with two small children and with a heavy addiction. I wanted to just get high. That was what life was about. So my eldest isn't here because of me pretty much. He started using himself at 13 and he got a girl pregnant right out of school which led to another cycle my granddaughter lives with different families on her mom's side. Her mom's got an addiction as well... He overdosed December or 2010. I was in so much grief I just used more and instead of focusing on the child I could only focus on the loss. And drowning in it. I got pregnant shortly before his first anniversary I felt it was a blessing but I feel I'm going to ruin it.


Well as you can see now with life. I feel like even though I quit everything I can't be happy I'm more upset than before and I wish sometimes I hadn't quit. I just feel terrible like my life is over and I'm just bringing my daughter down with me. I have nothing for her. I know I can't do adoption. She has pais she's biracial I used drugs and I could never do it. I was supposed to do it with my first son when I was 13 but I couldn't he was so helpless it seemed terrible to abandon him. I am a recovering essentially homeless pregnant women unfortunately in my 2nd trimestor. Sometimes I think maybe I should give up everything because I'm going to ruin it anyway. I don't feel happy sober I know I'm not supposed to that's a side effect but I'm not even happy for this baby inside of me. I don't know it's the reason I have to stay clean and my misery. I have just considered going back to how I used to live and forget about being a mom. I'm not happy sober. I'm ****ing miserable... Advice....
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Old 03-29-2012, 05:20 PM   #2
Igiveup
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 251
Sorry Im late calling in Here.....
There is a busier site where you may get more help... the Sober recovery community.

That Life you have lived so Far has been a NightMare....
The thing is you can Change it all.....From Now.
Get Support of Some kind Locally....Councilling,AA,NA,ACA,Meetings.
You cant change the Past but you can learn to live with it.
There is Such thing a Forgiveness.....Start Forgiving Yourself.
You Probibly Inherited most of your Addiction Tendancies from your Carers.
So you had no other choice but to live the way you Did up until now.
All I can do from where I am is Say Prayers for you...You can make it.
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Old 03-29-2012, 06:58 PM   #3
serenity537
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abrokenworld


Abrokenworld,

WoW, what a posting. U had me in tears, cuz U laid it all out there. How far along R u now? Have U been able 2 see a OB thru this pregnancy so far or ,can U not afford it? I have 7-kids, ages: 13, 15, 17, 19, 20, 23, 26. My oldest 4 R in Universities right now.

I understand how difficult Meth Addiction is, as i once used everyday, & a lot. Pleez know, i didn't quit my first try nor my second. I t took many tries until i beat it, & once clean i haven't looked back. In fact, However, i've been blessed 2 have beaten that addiction. Granted i know it is 1-day @ a time (but i will not use again). I have been clean for almost 10-yrs. None of my kids have ever used nor drank...Thank God, i did something right. Have U thought about adoption? i'm not saying that would be an easy decision...But for the safety of Ur baby. There is many people that want babies. I know for me, i would give anything 2 have another baby but cuz of a hysterectomy i can't. If U want 2 have private messages my email: soberserenity@gmail.com
Pleez know there R other decisions U can make. U need 2 take care of Ur self cuz U can't help anyone else until U can help Ur self. Ur safety is important. Have U thought of a sober living place? i really look forward 2 hearing from U.
Serenity
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Old 04-08-2012, 10:06 PM   #4
abrokenworld
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I think I need my account closed. I messed up I'm not pregnant anymore and I couldn't stay clean. I think it was for the best. I am just not material for moherhood... I'm actually even back with him. I guess it's what I deserve... I feel kind of weak but well I guess that's just how I am.
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Old 04-08-2012, 11:09 PM   #5
Chewi
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Don't give up. There is always another chance. Get to NA or AA and ask for help. Pray to your Higher Power and ask for help. Please let us know how you are. Today is Easter Sunday, a day of new beginnings--God will give you a chance if you only ask.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:55 AM   #6
abrokenworld
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yea maybe I should call them
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:23 AM   #7
Chewi
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I really encourage you! There is help and there is hope! Give them a call, go to a meeting and let us know how it goes. Blessings.
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Old 04-10-2012, 04:00 PM   #8
Igiveup
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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WE cant do anything for you physically ,we are too far away.....please get in touch with some one you trust.Priest,Rabbi,Social worker,anyone .....You can make a beautiful life for yourself if you only have Faith in Someone or Something outside of your self.
The Americian Posters on here will give you all the advice you may need if its the USA you are living in.....My Profile Name is I giveup.........but what it means is.....I Give up the Struggle of doing this on my own....there are times we need others to help....Love and Best wishes to you....abrokenworld.....that can be fixed....xxxxx
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