Why do we become codependent? What causes it?

[admin]

Why do we become codependent? What causes it?


It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.
General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:

* It’s not okay to talk about problems
* Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
* Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
* Be strong, good, right, perfect
* Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
* Don’t be selfish
* Do as I say not as I do
* It’s not okay to play or be playful
* Don’t rock the boat.

Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life.
http://members.tripod.com/rkmcm/id42.htm

[Tabasco]

I have some ideas of how this happened to me...
(This is only one example, unfortunately.)
I recently read an article by Robert Burney about fathers that was a HUGE lightbulb moment for me. I copied an excerpt from the joy2youand me.com site. This passage spoke VOLUMES to me. This was actually a running joke in my family for 30 years:

"There is an additional way in which women are wounded by their fathers that I have never heard, or read, anyone talk about. It is a devastating blow that many daughters suffer on a subconscious level. It comes at a very vulnerable time and contributes more evidence to the message that there is something wrong/less than about being a woman that most girls have already received in ample supply from society and the role modeling of their mothers.

This happens when girls start developing a female body. Their fathers, being males of the species, are naturally attracted to the awakening feminine sexuality of their daughters. Some fathers of course act this out in incestuous ways. The majority of fathers however react to this attraction (which in shame-based western civilization is not acknowledged as normal but rather is so shameful that it is seldom even brought to a conscious level of awareness) by withdrawing from their daughters, emotionally and physically. The unspoken, subconscious message that the girl/woman gets is "when I turned into a woman Dad stopped loving me." Daddy's little princess is suddenly given the cold shoulder, and often is the recipient of angry (sometimes jealous) behavior from her father - who up until that time, often, has been much more emotionally available for his daughter than for his wife or sons.

In a healthy environment an emotionally honest father could recognize that his reaction was human - not something to be ashamed of - and also, not something to act out. He could then communicate with, and have healthy boundaries with, his daughter so that she would know she wasn't being abandoned by her Dad. "

When you're a "Daddy's girl" this is a hard thing to understand. Why did Dad stop hugging me? - is not a question a 14 yr old should have to ask herself.
My father has always been an alcoholic and drug addict (although he denies it vehemently) but his drinking and rage increased 100 fold when I became a young woman. The height of HIS dysfunction became apparent to me when he "allowed" his friend (a man that I'd known all of my life and idolized) to repeatedly molest me. (I wasn't raped but he did touch me, expose himself to me, masturbate in front of me and repeatedly try to seduce me). I was 16. This man was living in our home and was allowed to remain in our home although I repeatedly told my parents what he was doing. My home was no longer safe for me and what's worse, my relationship with my parents was destroyed in the process. I could no longer trust that they would protect me. It was intolerable. So much so that I moved out of my house at 17, got pregnant on prom night and married at 18. I ran right into the arms of a man that would sexually, emotionally, psychologically, and occasionally physically abuse me. How very predictable!

Unfortunately I blame my father for most of the ills in my life and difficulties with codependent behaviors. My relationship with him has become a huge hurdle for me to overcome, but I'm still working on it. I have recently embarked on a new journey of self-discovery which includes counseling and attending CoDA meetings. The CoDA meetings have been especially helpful.

I love my father very much and need to mend this relationship. I am growing weary of being angry all of the time. I am ready to change these old tapes playing in my head and start playing some healthy new ones. I want to pass on a different legacy to my children than the one I was given. One free of addiction and emotional dysfunction.