Janbear-In a general way...

[janbear]

Janbear-In a general way...


My name is Jan and i am an alcoholic/addict. I was raised in a dysfunctional/abusive family. My mother and her family had a history of mental problems of which some was passed on to me-manic-depressive and psychotic tendencies. I was sexually abused as a young child. By the time i was 9 i thought frequently of suicide, obssesed with thoughts of it. I acted out in school raging at teachers regularly. I started drinking at 9 years old to help me sleep so i could escape my life, instead of taking my life. It wasnt until i was 17 that i made my first attempt at taking my own life with pills. By the time i was 15 drinking and using was my life. I didnt wait for weekends to "party" as everyone else called it. I used every day seeking it out wherever i could. My family was very religious and i was in church every sunday morning, night and wednesday night and any other time the doors were open. I led a double life as did the rest of my family. My mother was obvilious to everything because of her own problems. Party times were few. I was no longer living to use, i was using to live by the time i was 17. I was always at one extreme or the other. There was no in between for me. All i wanted was the high, but i always crossed the line no matter what i was taking. I didnt know how to stop and i didnt want to for a long time. When i was 17 my father was calling me a drunk and by the time i was 18 my best friend was calling me the same thing, though she used and drank too. I did not use/drink the way others did around me. i was blessed with many angels for my friends continually took care of me, watched out for me and kept me out of alot of bad situations. I was in a major car wreck when i was 18 because of my addiction. I was told that if we had been over another inch we would be dead. I continued to use. I managed to work, though i used at work. I thought it made me a better worker, faster worker, then i would drink my lunch, and then use more to gain momentum again. I ate very little. I was in a few short lived relationships with guys until i was 19 when i met my now husband. We have been together since the night we met. We were drunk and i supplied him with what he needed to go to work the next day. He quit using and drinking January 1, 1983 but still stayed with me and we were married April 1983. He wanted to go to college. So we moved away. I continued in my addiction. In a new town i had no connections and found myself doing the most accessible thing around-alcohol. I went to college to though. I liked getting paid to go. How i managed to make it i dont know but i graduated in 4 and 1/2 years. I missed alot of classes and did poorly when i did go. I managed to get a c average. I worked in Student services and most of the time i was drinking or passed out on the nurses bed. I made quite a spectacle of myself. It was in a class in my last semester when a man came in and spoke of addiction that did something to me. It was 10 am in the morning and i was already lit. I did not like what the man had to say. I was very offended, mad. He was talking about me. The nurse called someone in NA and someone made a 12 step call on me. They got me agree to see a alcohol counselor who wanted me to go to detox. I tried on my own to stop and quickly started having the DT's. I took care of the problem by going to get more alcohol. I finally went into detox for 7 days and came down off the alcohol going through the DT's . I was scared to death and wanted the alcohol to make them go away. It was there i admitted i was powerless. I got out and lasted 2 weeks on my own not going to any meetings then i got drunk again, my husband got me into a treatment center where again i had to detox and then stay for 30 days. They started me on the steps but as the alcohol left my system i still had other major problems-mental problems. I fought like he!! to work the program and i made it a year and a half when i relapsed again. I made it back real quick but i knew i needed more help. it was then i began to receive outside help, though not on medication for a long time. I attempted to take my life twice one of the times my husband came home unexpectedly. I didnt know why i was so depressed. I was in several hospitals with them trying to get me on the right meds for my problems and it not being an addictive drug. I stayed clean and sober for 6 and 1/2 years on meds. the program,and eventually i made it back to church, and in counseling. I relapsed again and again made it back quickly after a short stay in a mental hospital. Again they changed my meds. got a new sponsor who literally guided me through the steps in a way that no one had before i became more clear headed and independent needing less counseling. I still go to a lot of meetings, pray and meditate, read my literature, use my sponsor, take my meds. and try to give back to others what was so freely given me and for that i am truly grateful for being clean and sober since January 16, 1996. Thank you for letting me share.

[Doraine]

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks Janbear. I'm so glad you are here and shared your story.

[janbear]

Music has always been a big and important part of my life. It speaks my feelings when i cant find the words myself. This is one of a couple songs i was very much into when at the end of my addiction reality was hitting me. Oh, how i tried to each day to start over again but on my own i couldnt do it. I was beaten. The drug was more powerful than me by myself. Thank God today i am not doing this by myself. The 12-step program is a "We" program. Above all I thank God!
I was blessed to reconnect with my own beginnings this morning when i found the song. It comes on the morning, i go over a new step 1 with my NA sponsor.
This song "keeps it green" for me. Its called "Got to Begin Again" written by Billy Joel, unfortuantely "The Piano Man" is not singing. I was impressed though with this guy.



Got To Begin Again by Billy Joel

Well so here I am at the end of the road
Where do I go from here?
I always figured it would be like this
Still nothing seems to be quite clear

All the words have been spoken and the prophecy fulfilled
But I just can't decide where to go
Yes, it's been quite a day and I should go to sleep
But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know

That I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how start
Yes, I've got to begin again
And it's hard

Well it's been quite a while since I lifted my head
And I'm sure the light will hurt my eyes
I see the way that I been spendin' my days
And reality has caught me by surprise

I was dreamin' of tomorrow so I sacrificed today
And it sure was a grand waste of time
And despite all the truth that's been thrown in my face
I just can't get you out of my mind

That I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how start
Yes, I've got to begin again
And it's hard


Thank you all for being a part of my recovery. God bless you all.

[thereishope]

Thankyou for posting that song, its a beautiful one. Music is also a BIG part of my recovery and it helps when i just cant find the words to expess my self some times, and then there are times when i need to hear something that speaks to my spirit. When im having a real rough time and i just feel lost and dont know what to do next thats when i play that song i told you about "jason upton- FAITH". When im done listening im reminded that its all gonna be ok and what its all about.
Thankyou for the songs that you do post here i really love them and they do speak to my spirit of hope and pure love
GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!

[barbie25]

Beutiful. I also love music to. i have to always have some music on even when iam sleeping. There is a song that fits every mood for me.