Nov 5-12, 2008, Weekly Meeting

[cassie]

Good Morning

I pray that this topic touches some thoughts that may help all of us.

Question: What has been the most difficult part of your recovery, after acceptance of the disease? If you are still struggling, perhaps something someone may share will help you on the journey into sobriety.

[craig]

Hi Cassie, My name is Craig and I am an alcoholic. DOS is January 12,1988. Your ? is very good indeed. For me,my surrendering to alcoholism,was the most important concept in step one. I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol as my life was surely unmanageable. After admitting I had a progressive fatal disease that wanted to kill me;I realized that this admission was not enough to stay sober. For one's sobriety to be etched in stone like concrete,I knew I must accept I had this disease. It would not leave me ever as I was a pickle and could never go back to be a cucumber. The two most difficult parts of my journey were getting rid of my agnosticism and becoming cognizant that I would never be able to rest on any daily laurels. When I came into AA,I did not know if a HP existed. My first sponsor took me to beaches and state parks as we watched sunrises and sunsets. I asked him why? He told me I needed to get a HP and maybe the beauty of nature could be my HP. It worked. That took about 8 years. Lastly,maybe the toughest part of my journey is knowing I can not rest on any personal success in recovery. It is a grace given by God. Like all folks ,I have a daily reprieve,based solely on the maintenance on my spiritual condition. And the truth of the matter, was that my spiritual nature was lousy. I did not go to many step meetings for the first dozens years. Another difficult part is that there is a lot required on a daily basis to keep me on the AA beam. I become part of a higher spiritual plane when I can do all of the following: 1.) pray daily to God 2.)go to a meeting 3.)telephone sponsor 4.)call a sponsee 5.)give a ride 6.)take committments

[clean42day]

Question: What has been the most difficult part of your recovery, after acceptance of the disease? If you are still struggling, perhaps something someone may share will help you on the journey into sobriety.

Prolly the most difficult part was also accepting that I also had grave emotional disorders that were deeper than the disease and until I dealt with them - they would continue to pop up and sabatage my recovery.


For me peeling off the top layer of alcoholism and active drug addiction was just the beginning. I had to get down to causes and conditions that shaped the person I had become and wanted to run from straight into a bottle or crack pipe. I was still a very unhappy and self-destructive person stone cold sober and could still effectivly run from myself without the use of mind altering chemicals. The 4th and 5th steps helped me greatly with peeling another layer away - however there were core issues underneath that layer also that the steps were NOT designed to deal with - for those issues I had to seek healing therapy/recovery outside the rooms of AA and go to a trusted professional for help.

Rape / Domestic violence
Childhood sexual abuse
abusive childhood mental and emotional shaping
and recovery from a murder attempt on my life.

Those things are not easily addressed with the steps - however don't get me wrong - once I dealt with those issues in therapy the steps help me maintenance those issues - so when remnants of them do pop up - I have tools to deal with them.

I never understood for many many years why the same steps that seemed to give others the spiritual freedom sufficient to keep the disease arrested - didn't seem to give me the same result and I finally realized that as much as we all have a common solution - we all didn't drink or drug ourselves into the disease for the very same reasons. We all may get here by different paths and once here the "recovery soltuion" from chemical dependency is the same, however what is underneath it - and what may drive the spiritual malady - is very different for all of us.

The most detrimental thing any well meaning member of AA has ever said to me was - so you think you are terminally unique - that implied that I "should" feel shame and even more guilt for my unique lifes experiences - and that I should be able to recover fully with the steps just like everyone else - I spun on feeling terminally and shamefully unique for years and never even sought outside help - because I was still blaming myself for not being able to recover, not working the steps hard enough, or thoguht I was doing it all wrong..........until I understood that AA and NA are 12 step programs designed to deal with the spiritual malady that is unique to the disease of chemical dependency and is the springboard to a spiritual way of life - it is NOT the solution and BE all and END all to every core issue on the planet - that part is Gods job.

There are well meaning 12 step members out there who do the program a dis-service by not being humble enough and able to say "I don't know how to help you with that" or "I have no experience in that area" or "that is an outside issue and I suggest you get more help than the program can provide"........... The worst thing you can do to someone is give them false information, false hope, or an inadequate solution based on false pride.

Living a spiritual way of life - God also led me into capable professional hands that could help me heal deeper issues.

and No I am not fully recovered from them all - I still have a long way to go and the difference is today is that I allow God to lead me there - but for the most part I have survived them and they no longer rule my life unconsciously.

the only one thing I absolutly trust with all my heart and soul is God and that my Soul is safe with him and he will help me continue to heal as I live myself into some new experiences.

AA helped me to begin the journey to healing - but It did leave me hanging at a point where the 12 steps were not enough.....

if you see someone struggling with deeper issues - don't pretend that the steps are the miracle cure and leave them feeling like there is nothing more....point them in the right direction and give them hope no matter what issues they have.

My life and recovery hit a succesful turning point when I combined the 12 step way of life with therapy....before that I had relapsed 3 times trying to apply steps to issues that the steps were not designed to deal with.

Therapy helped me deal with dysfunctional and abusive childhood programming and a rape/sexual assult/incest counselor helped me deal with other issues and relationship patterns.

I go to AA and NA for help with chemical dependency issues - I don't go there to get my car fixed, legal advice, accounting advice, investment consultation, or divorce/marriage/relationship counseling.

I am sure we can all relate to all those issues - but the program was and is designed to deal with the treatment of the disease - with a primary purpose to carry the message of the solution true to freedom from that issue.

This was/is my experince - yours may be different...........

Thanks for letting me share.

light and love

Gail

[admin]

Thinking back over the first few years, I think one area that was difficult in the early years was surrendering totally to God. It wasn't until I surrendered totally that the change really occurred in my life. During those early years, I was afraid to let go totally and let God. I would always hold on to my will some. I feel that is one reason I kept going in and out drinking.

[Just42Dave]

id agree with bkiti surrender the everyday life kind not just step one ya know. trying to learn how to live after i took the drugs out of my life and actually stayed clean.Finding out how much i really needed to depend on God and the real responsibility that went with that.

[admin]

This is one of my favorite poems:

Let Go & Let God
As children bring their broken toys,
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again
and cried, "How can you be so slow?"
"My child" He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."
--Author Unknown

That has been one of my problems at times - letting go and letting God. Being patient and waiting for God's timing not mine.

[Barry]

Thanks for those comments. It has been about 27 years since I had 3-4 years sobriety. Finally back for 4 months and finally doing the steps and thinking. New member here and will keep listening...