Addictive Personality

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Introduction:
Alcoholism is a tragic drama played out in three acts by at least four persons. One person cannot become an alcoholic without the help of at least another. The disease cannot appear in isolation, progress in isolation, nor maintain itself in isolation. One person drinks in a way that is completely unlike social drinking. Others react to the drinking and its consequences. The drinker responds to the reaction and drinks again. This sets up a merry-go-round of denial and counter-denial, a downward spiral, which is called alcoholism. Therefore, to understand alcoholism we must not look at the alcoholic alone, but view the illness as if we were sitting in a theater watching a play and observing carefully the roles of all the actors in the drama.
As the play opens, we see an alcoholic front and center. He is the subject of this act, and all others are the object of his action. He is a male between the age of 30 and 55, of better than average intelligence, skillful in certain areas, and may be quite successful in a particular field of work, though his self-idealization is often far higher than his self-realization. As the play progresses, we see that this person is very sensitive, lonely and tense. He is also immature in a way that produces a very real sense of dependence. However, the alcoholic acts in an extremely independent fashion in order to deny and conceal this dependency, and from this characteristic of alcoholism comes the name of the play---"A Merry-Go-Round named Denial."
The alcoholic has learned by chance or by experimentation that the use of alcohol has profound effects upon him which are psychologically beneficial. Nonspecifically, it dissolves all anxiety, reduces all tensions, removes all loneliness and solves all problems for the time being. If the situation becomes unpleasant or unbearable, there is the conscious or unconscious knowledge that a few drinks will relieve this instantly. It is his psychological blessing, and regardless of the many and varied curses it may bring, the use of this substance becomes the most important thing in his life because of the enormous, immediate benefits it brings him. For the time being, it solves all his problems.

The play opens with the alcoholic asserting his independence in many ways, especially as he relates to his family. Communication is very difficult and there is little understanding of what others are saying. In one sense, the alcoholic does not hear anything that is said to him about his drinking. Conversations are more like one way streets than exchange of ideas. Yet the words, which the alcoholic speaks or hears are far less important than what he does or what is done by others in the play. This is why it is so important to see the play in order to understand alcoholism. To observe the alcoholic alone, to read a clinical evaluation, or to listen to the tales of woe of the family is only a small part of the drama. The name of the play and the key word in the entire illness is "Denial," for there is constant verbal contradiction of what is happening and what is being said by all the actors in the play. If the play were done in pantomime, it would be far less confusing.
Early in the first act, a situation arises which results in the alcoholic taking a drink. When he begins to drink, we something is different in the way he drinks. He drinks hard and fast; in fact, he ingests alcohol at a rapid pace in large amounts. He may drink openly, but it is more likely he will conceal the amount he drinks by drinking off stage and rarely in the presence of other members of the cast. This is the first aspect of denial, the concealment of the amount he drinks. If he were not conscious of his overdrinking, it would occur openly, with no concealment as to amount, time, place or circumstances of drinking. Verbally, he is stating that he does not really drink more than other persons, but in reality he drinks far more than the social norm, more often than others, and it means far more to him than it does to other persons.
The alcoholic drinks to excess, but this is not a matter of choice. It is a necessity, for the first indication of alcoholism is the inability
to drink temperately or socially. rpeated denial by concealment indicates the tremendous importance of the psychological effect of excessive drinking and the inability to stop after one or two drinks.
After a few drinks we witness a profound change in the attitude of the alcoholic. It has given him a sense of success, well-being and self-suffciency. It put him on top of the world and gives him a sense of omnipotence. He is now right and all others are wrong, provided there is a difference of opinion or anyone voices objection to his drinking. There is no one act or deed which all alcoholics perform while under the influence, but there is a continued revelation of irrationality, irresponsible and antisocial behavior and at times deviate or even criminal behavior, such as driving under the influence.
If drinking continues long enough, the alcoholic creates a crisis, get into trouble and ends up in a mess. Again there is infinite variation in how this is done, but the movement of act one is always the same. A dependent person acts in a very independent fashion, drinks to convince himself of his independence, and then the consequences of drinking put him in a condition in which he depends upon others to protect him or remove the consequences. When he ends up in a mess he just waits for something to happen, ignores it, walks away from it, or cries for someone to get him out of it.
In act one, Mr. Completely Independent gets drunk and becomes a very dependent person who cannot remove or solve the consequences of his drinking. Alcohol, which gave him a psychological sense of being a successful man, now strips him of the costume of independence and removes the mask of omnipotence. We see him as a helpless, dependent child.

ACT II

In act two the alcoholic becomes completely passive, and the object of the other three characters who are the subject of the act.

The Enabler
The first person to appear is one we might call the Enabler, a guilt-laden Mr. Clean, whose own anxiety and guilt will not let him endure the predicament of his friend, the alcoholic. He sets up a "rescue mission" to save the alcoholic from the immediate crisis and relieve the unbearable tension created by the situation. In reality, this person is meeting his own need rather than that of the alcoholic. The Enabler is usually a male outside the family, but at times the role is played by a relative. The Enabler may occasionally be a woman.
Professionally this role is played by ministers, doctors, lawyers and social workers, members of the "helping professions." Unfortunately, many professional persons today have not received adequate instruction on alcohol and alcoholism, they act in the same manner and for the same reasons as nonprofessional Enablers. This denies the alcoholic the process of learning by correcting his own mistakes, and conditions him to believe that there will always be a protector who will come to the rescue, despite the fact that they insist they will never again rescue him. They always have and the alcoholic believes they always will. Rescue operations are just as compulsive as drinking.

The Victim
The next character to come onstage may be called the Victim. This is the boss, the employer, the foreman or supervisor, the commanding officer in military life, a business partner, or at times a key employee. The Victim is the person who assumes responsibility for getting the work done if the alcoholic is absent due to drinking or is half on and half off the job due to a hangover. By the time alcoholism begins to interfere with the man's job, he may have been working for ten or fifteen years for the same company, and the boss has become a very real friend. Protection of the man is a perfectly normal thing, and there is always the hope that this will be the last time. Yet as alcoholism progresses as an illness, the overprotection of the Victim becomes essential if drinking is to continue in this fashion. The Victim, in effect, saves the job just as the Enabler saved the alcoholic from the crisis. In this scene we become aware of the fact that this is not the first time such an event has occurred, and will not be the last time.

The Provocatrix
The third character in this act is the key person in the play, the wife or mother of the alcoholic, the person in his life who is the center of the alcoholic's home. Usually it is the wife, and we are aware of the fact that this person is a veteran at this role and has played it much longer than the other characters in the act. For lack of a better term, we may call this woman the Provocatrix, or the provoker. She is provoked by the occurrence of drinking episodes, but she holds the family together despite the disrupting factors of alcoholism. In turn, she becomes the source of provocation, and controls, coerces, adjusts, never gives up, never gives in, never lets go but never forgets. The attitude of the alcoholic is one that allows failure on his part, but she must never fail him. He is free to do as he pleases, but she must do exactly what he tells her. She must be at home when he arrives, if he arrives.
Another name for this character might be the Compensator, for she is constantly adjusting to every crisis produced by alcoholism and compensates for everything that goes wrong within the home and marriage. In addition to the roles of wife, housekeeper and possibly earning part of the bread, she becomes nurse, doctor and counselor. She cannot play these roles without injury to herself and to her husband. Yet everything in our present society conditions the wife to play the role of Provocatrix. If she does not play it, she goes against what society conceives the role of wife to be. No matter what the alcoholic does, he ends up "at home," for this is where everyone goes when there is no other place to go.
Act two is now played out in full. The alcoholic in his helpless condition has been rescued put back on the job and restored as a member of the family. This reclothes him in the costume of a responsible adult. It has, however, increased his dependency because the consequences of drinking were removedby others and the entire mess cleaned up by persons other than the one who made it. The painful consequences of drinking were suffered by persons other than the drinker, which permits drinking to be a very real problem-solving device of the alcoholic. Drinking removed the psychic pain, and the persons in act two removed the painful consequences episode

ACT III

Act three begins in the same fashion as act one, but a new dimension has been added. The need for denial is now greater and must be exercised immediately. As the nature of alcoholism is denial of dependency and the person is now more dependent, the denial must be louder and stronger. The alcoholic denies that he has a drinking problem or that drinking is causing him any trouble. He denies that anyone really helped him, denies that his job is in jeopardy, insists that he is the best or the most skilled person at his job. Above all he denies that he has caused his family any problems. He blames his family for all the fuss, nagging and trouble that exists. He insists that his wife is crazy, that she needs to see a psychiatrist, or in many instances, as the hostility becomes more intense, hurls unwarranted accusations of infidelity at his wife, knowing all the time they are not true.
The real problem is that the alcoholic knows the truth which he so vocally denies. He is aware of his drunkenness and the resulting failure. His guilt and remorse become unbearable. The memory of his utter dependence at the end of the first act is more than humiliating. It is almost unbearable for a person who suffers from a neurosis of omnipotence.
There are some alcoholics who achieve the same denial by stony silence and absolute refusal to discuss anything related to the drinking episode. The memory is too painful. Some demand that the family remain silent. Others may permit the family to confess openly their sins of commission and omission, which are never forgotten by the alcoholic or Provocatrix.
Within a reasonable period of time the family adjusts to whatever is their norm. In addition to the denial of the alcoholic that he will ever drink again, the others give similar promises. The Enabler, will never again come to the rescue, the Victim will not tolerate another drinking episode and the Provocatrix assures her husband that she cannot continue to live under these conditions.
The entire verbalization of the situation is in stark contrast to reality. The Enabler, the Victim, and the Provocatrix have said this before but did not act it out. The end result is to increase the sense of guilt and failure of the alcoholic, challenge his sense of omnipotence and add to his reservior of tension and loneliness. If this psychic pain becomes unbearable, especially with the aid of other members of the cast, there is one and only one certain means of reducing the pain, overcoming the sense of guilt and failure, and achieving a very real sense of worth and value. If act two is played out as described above, it inevitable that at some point in act three the alcoholic will again drink, for this has become the one certain means of relieving pain and achieving a sense of well-being. The knowledge of the immediate comfort far outweighs the memory of what is inevitable and there is in the back of his mind the hope that this time he can control his drinking and gain the maximum benefits as he once did. So the inevitable occurs in act three---the alcoholic begins to drink.
When he takes the drink the play does not come to an end. Persons sitting in the audience have the feeling they are watching a three reel movie rather than a play, for the play has suddenly returned to act one without closing the curtain. If the audience remains seated long enough, all three acts will be played out again in an identical fashion. At the end of act three the alcoholic will drink again. The play continues to run year after year. The characters get older but there is little, if any, change in the script or the action.
If the first two acts are played out as described above, act three will follow in similar fashion. If act one did not occur we would not have the beginning of the play Alcoholism and the drama surrounding it would not exist. This leaves act two as the only act in which the tragic drama of alcoholism can be changed, or in terms of achieving lasting sobriety, the only act in which recovery can be intitated by acts of volition by persons other than the alcoholic. The key to this situation is the fact that in act two the alcoholic is the recipient of the action and not the initiator of whatever happens in this act alone there is the real potential to break the tragic cycle of denial.

Recovery Begins in Act II

If recovery from alcoholsm is to be initiated, it must begin with the persons in the second act who must learn the dynamics of the illness, and to act in anentirely different fashion. New roles cannot be learned without turning to others who understand the play, and putting into practice the insight and understanding gained from this source. If act two is rewritten and replayed, there is every reason to believe that the alcoholic will recover. He is locked in a phase of resistance to treatment, and the people in act two hold the key to his recovery. If the alcoholic is rescued from every crisis , if the employer submits to repeated victimization, and if the wife remains in the role of Provocatrix, there is not one chance in ten that the alcoholic will recover. He is virtually helpless and cannot break the lock, but he may recover if the other actors in the drama learn how to break the dependency relationship. The alcoholic cannot cannot keep the merry-go-round going unless the others ride it with him and help keep it going. The characters in the second act keep asking the alcoholic why he does not stop drinking, yet these are the very persons whose actions assist the alcoholic in solving his basic human problems by drinking in this fashion. It is completely untrue to state that an alcoholic cannot be helped until he wants help. It is true to state that an alcoholic will not recover as long as other people remove the painful consequences of the drinking episodes.
The Victim and the Enabler must seek information, insight and understanding of they plan to change their roles. It is imperative that the Provocatrix enter into some kind of continuing program of supportive counseling or therapy, preferably on a group basis, if she is to make a basic change in her life.
In understanding the role of the three supporting actors in the drama, we must remember that they did not learn to play these roles overnight. These persons play what they conceive to be the normal roles that are expected of them in life. They actually believe that they are helping the alcoholic and do not understand that they are helping perpetuate the illness.
The Enabler thinks he must not let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of his drinking when it can so easily be prevented by a simple rescue operation. It is like saving a drowning man. It simply must be done. But this rescue mission relieves the anxiety, guilt and fears of the Enabler and conveys to the alcoholic what the rescuer really thinks: "You cannot make it without my help." It reveals a lack of faith in the alcoholic's ability to take care of himself and is a form of judgement and condemnation.

Professional Enablers

The most destructive aspect of the Professional Enabler---minister, doctor, lawyer and social worker--is that it trains and conditions the family to reduce the crisis rather than using it to initiate a recovery program. The family has known for five or ten years that drinking was creating serious problems but it was not clearly visible to persons outside the family. When the family turns to professional persons before antisocial behavior is clearly visible, it is usually told that the problem is not alcoholism and that there is nothing they can do until the drinker wants help. When alcoholism reaches the point where it breaks outside the family and the alcoholic turns to professional persons, he secures a reduction of his crisis by seeing and using professional persons as Enablers. This keeps the merry-go-round going; The family which was told initially that there were no visible signs of alcoholism is now taught that when the disease is visible the way to deal with it is to remove the symptoms rather than deal realistically with the illness. The very persons who fail to identify alcoholism in its early stages now treat the more advanced symptoms by helping the alcoholic get back on the merry-go-round. This further conditions the family to believe that nothing can be done to cope with alcoholism. Even when the family begins to accept the existence of a serious drinking problem and attempts to secure help for themselves or the alcoholic, the role of the professional is usually that of an Enabler rather than one of leading the family and the alcoholic into a long-range program of recovery. As the Enabler is the first person on the scene, he influences the remainder of the second act because it sets the direction and movement of this part of the play. Professional persons often perpetuate the merry-go-round.
The Victim does not get on the merry-go-round until he has know the alcoholic for years. Large industrial firms have discovered that when alcoholism begins to disrupt jobs efficiency, the alcoholic has been employed for ten, fifteen or twenty years. The foreman protects his alcoholic friend, knowing he has a wife and children who will suffer if he is fired. He is not certain of company policy or how to cope with this stigmatized illness. Again personal interest and friendship motivate the Victim to do for the alcoholic that which increases his dependency and adds to the necessity of denial.

Professional Enablers Continued

The Provocatrix is the first person to join the alcoholic on the merry-go-round. If she absorbs the injustices, suffers deprivation, endures repeated embarassment, accepts broken promises, is subverted in every attempt to cope with the drinking situation and is beaten by the constant barrage of hostility which is directed toward her, she will inevitably feed back into the marriage her own reaction in hostility, bitterness, anger and anxiety. Playing the supporting role of Provocatrix makes the wife sick. She is not a sick woman who made her husband become an alcoholic. As a rule she begins marriage as any other average person does. She is caught between the advancing illness of alcoholism and the wall of ignorance, shame and embarassment inflicted upon her by society. She is literally crushed and needs information and therapeutic help, not because she caused her husband's illness but because she is being destroyed by it.
Another reason the wife needs help in the process of recovery is that if she changes her role she will discover she is standing alone. Other members of the cast will treat her as an actor deserting a play when there is no substitute to take her part. This especially true if she effects a separation, whether by choice or necessity.
Some women can effect a change in role by a few conferences with a counselor who is knowledgeable in the area of alcoholism or by attending sessions at a local mental health clinic or alcoholic clinic. Others gain insight by participating in Al-Anon group meetings. The most basic error made by women seeking help is that they want to be told what they can do to stop the drinking without realizing that it may take months or a year or two to condition themselves emotionally to play a new role in the alcoholic marriage. Six months of regular participation in counseling, preferably in a group, should be the minimum goal. If others in the supporting cast do not respond by learning new roles, the wife may need to stay in a supporting group for a period of two or three years before her change is effective. But the wife enters into this activity of seeking help for herself not to guarantee her husband's recovery from alcoholism, but to recover from her own situation. This may, in turn, drastically alter her reaction to the drinking pattern and in many cases, lead to recovery on the part of the alcoholic. Few husbands can withstand a drastic change in their wives without adjusting to this situation.
If there are children in the home, the wife must seek help outside the family circle of friends if she is to avoid severe injury to them. A Provocatrix places the children between a sick father and a sick mother. The wife who seeks and finds help early enough can prevent much of the destruction which otherwise is passed on to the children through her reaction to her husband. The wife who plays the role of Provocatrix for the sake of the children is hurting rather than helping them.

The Moral Issue

The moral issue is also important. No one has a right to play God and demand that the alcoholic stop drinking. The reverse is also true. The alcoholic, in acting out his neurosis of omnipotence, needs a supporting cast in order to play his role, and the wife has every moral right and responsibility to refuse to act. Literally, she cannot tell her alcoholic husband anything. Her only effective means of communication is to learn to act in freedom from the dominance of his omnipotent attitude. For some wives, this may occur in weeks, but for most wives it takes months or even years. Two factors abort most long-range programs for the wife. The husband's attitude may range from disapproval to direct threats or even violence. Also, responsibilitie in the home may make it very difficult for the wife to leave the home for therapy during the day, and few alcoholic husbands will baby-sit in a responsible fashion while the wife seeks help for alcoholism by attending Al-Anon meetings in the evening.
If the husband married at an average age, during the pre-alcoholic stage of his illness, the wife is the first person who joins him on the merry-go-round when alcoholism appears. Many years later the Enabler and Victim start their roles. If recovery is to be initiated before the illness becomes crucial or acute, the wife must initiate the recovery action. However, the unwillingness of our present society to accept alcoholism as an illness until it reaches the chronic or addictive stage, places the wife in the position of acting as a pioneer in the search for help. If her minister condemns drunkenness and her doctors fail to recognize the existence of alcoholism, her shame is increased and help is cut off. If conditions become unbearable and she consults a lawyer, he may talk in terms of separation or divorce as the only services he can render. This increases her sense of failure or terrifies her with an immediate reaction of anxiety or grief surrounding the possible separation from her husband. So most wives climb back on the merry-go-round
Until there are drastic changes in our cultural and social attitudes toward drinking as well as alcoholism, the family member who wishes to initiate a process of recovery from alcoholism must understand that it may be a rather long and difficult process. However, if the wife or other family member is willing to enter into a weekly program of education or therapy and work at it earnestly for a period of six months, changes usually occur, not only in her life but in the attitude and action of the alcoholic. A wife cannot make a change unless she believes it to be right. She must have the courage and strength to withstand the initial subversive action of the alcoholic to thwart her program. She cannot be expected to do what is beyond her emotional and financial capacity, but by remaining in a program for months and perhaps even for a year or two, she may reslove problems which at first seem impossible.
There is no way to stop the merry-go-round. To spell out concise rules which apply to all members of the cast or any one role is impossible. The family often is able to see the merry-go-round of the alcoholic but fails to understand they are the ones which provide the resources which keep it going.
The hardest part of stopping the repeated cycle is the fear that the alcoholic won't make it without help, when it is the very help that he is getting which permits him to continue using alcohol as the cure-all for his ills.

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Initiating Recovery

If a friend is called upon for help, it should be used as an opportunity to lead the alcoholic and the family into a structured program of recovery.
A professional person who has alcoholics as clients or patients should learn how to cope with alcoholism. Specific literature is available through Hazelden as well as local, state and national programs on alcoholism. Short, intensive training programs and workshops are also available for professional persons who are willing to spend time and effort learning more about alcoholism.
If a wife thinks her husband has a drinking problem or drinks excessively in a repeated fashion, she should seek competent help and counsel immediately for the purpose of evaluating the situation. If a wife knows her husband has a drinking problem, she should seek counsel with the intent of entering group education and therapy. These sessions should not be abandoned after a few visits, for changes do not occur overnight. Regular weekly attendance should continue for several months, for many wives report that it requires at least six months to gain realistic benefits from group participation. This may not seem fair to the wife, but in our present society the wife has one basic choice---to seek help for herself or permit the illness alcoholism to destroy her and other members of the family.
As Alcoholics Anonymous is the most widespread resource for the alcoholic today, so is Al-Anon the most readily available help for the wife and other members of the family. There are also Alcoholism Information Centers, Mental Health Centers and some professional persons who have learned enough to provide competent counsel for the family. If a persistent search is made, the wife can find a source of help. This is the only realistic point where the merry-go-round of denial may be broken during the early stages of alcoholism. It is also the only realistic method by which the family may introduce a recovery program into their situation. Once this is done the family member must continue to use whatever help isavailable and build her own program of recovery, preferably with an established group. Initiating a recovery program may cause greater conflict and suffering initially, but in the long run it is far less painful than helping the alcoholic continue to drink by being a member of the supporting cast in the play.

I have come to the end of my story and I appreciate your attention in this matter and the comments that you have made. I am going to make some small notes here and if you have further questions or comments they are welcome.If you'd like to get this for yourself, it is a white paper published by Hazelden Foundation.


The Alcoholic Wife
Note: For those who wish to structure the merry-go-round for the alcoholic wife, the process is quite simple. The husband plays all three roles in the second act. If he expects his wife to recover he must change all three roles. To do this he needs more help than the wife of the alcoholic husband. The husband will deny that he needs help, but after all, that is the name of the play---"A Merry-Go-Round Named Denial."

1. Secure additional alcoholism literature for your own study.
2. Seek out all professional alcoholism services in your community. Use whatever is available for the family and know what is available for the alcoholic.
3. Attend Al-Anon regularly in addition to professional services. If Al-Anon is not available, attend open meetings of Alcoholic Anonymous
4. Remember that the family may perpetuate the illness or initiate recovery. Consciously work toward recovery by initiating and continuing a change in your role in the drama of alcoholism.

Let's start with the statistics a rather depressing one---less than 8 percent of alcoholics or drug addicts are recovered. That means, fewer than one in every twelve alcoholics or drug addicts stop drinking or using and are able to lead a normal life. Many addicted people die prematurely. Others live miserable lives, out of touch with reality, their world increasingly cocooned by chemical agents, inflicting misery on those who love them. It is accepted that the alcoholic or addict affects at least four other people in an important way. Taking the conservative estimate 2.5% of the population are alcoholics or addicts, this means 12.5% of the population are affected by alcoholism or drug addiction. These are real people, just like you---parents, spouses, siblings, children, friends, and lovers, who, like you can't help but be affected by the destructive and senseless behavior of the addicted person.
But you, the person so profoundly affected by the alcoholic or addict, are also the person in the best possible position to affect him or her. As you change your attitudes and behavior, the more likely they are to seek effective help. In fact, with the change in you, your alcoholic or addict has more than 50% chance of recovery--6 times as great as before.

It is true that addicts and alcoholics need to admit thngs are going wrong in their lives because of drink or drugs and to realize they cannot control or get on top of the problem on their own. To encourage the addicted person to move towards recovery, you need to grasp two fundamental principles that will facilitate recovery These are:

1. The addict need information about what is wrong with them. Many alcoholics who recognize that they have a problem with drink, feel they simply have to cut down or learn to drink 'like other people'. Or else, having recognized that they have a problem with even the smallest amount of drink, they try to stop and can't. Obviously, such people need information on the disease concept of addiction, on the help that is available and on recovery. When given such material, any addicted person will be forced to consider at some level that they have a serious problem with drink or drugs and that help is available. It is sometimes said that only alcoholics or addicts have the right to diagnose their own condition. This is simply not true. You have the right to state your views on what you feel is wrong, the right to say that you think the person you love is alcoholic or an addict. The way to present your views is in a calm, detached, non-judgemental way, without expectation of immediate results. In this way, you make clear to the person what you think the problem is. It is also important to leave AA or NA literature around for the person to read.
Occasionally this, in itself will get the addicted person to seek help. Sometimes, it will be ignored or dismissed off-handedly. Sometimes, the person will react in a hostile way. Even if this happens, it does not mean the exercise has been futile. You have stated your point of view. The other person has internalized the knowledge, at some level, for use at the time when he or she is prepared to look at it and accept it to some degree. And even if it angers the addict, it may start him or her thinking.

2. Addicts need to experience the full consequences of their behavior. This is a very important way in which you can help the addicted person become receptive to, and move towards recovery. The more protected the addicted person is from these consequences, the less likely he or she is to move to recovery. The people close to addicts need to behave in the way that allows them to experience the consequences of their behavior. They need to do this in a concerned, but detached way--a difficult thing for anyone to do. Alcoholics or addicts will begin to experience the full consequences of their behavior as the people close to them begin to behave in line with the realities of the situation.

Your Attitude and The Addicted Person

The attitude "I know best." is often a difficult one to overcome, simply because, it is obviously best for the addicted person to go in to recovery and you do know this. And, you are actually in a better position to come to terms with things because you are not in the grip of a powerful, chemically-created-delusion. Having become willing to look at yourself and your attitudes, perhaps having attended Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, you obviously have some grasp of what is required. The problem here is that if you let the fact that you do know this becomes a part of your self-image (me who knows best) or your attitude, it will give you the manner of being a little superior, a little above the addicted person. You will appear as the person who's trying to be in charge. To the addicted person, you won't appear just as one person talking to another, but as a slightly superior being.

Addicts being locked in self, are highly attuned to attitudes. It's their territory and they know how to battle it out, how to win, or, simply how to dismiss it. For this reason, your attitude is very important. If you do not yet understand, here is an example. Look at Billy, now a recovering addict, and see what an important part the attitudes of other played in his recovery:
Bruce speaking, "I remember sitting in a doctor's office with my wife and they were talking about whether they should give me shock treatment again, or a lobotomy or whatever. It was like I wasn't there. The doctor turned to me and said, "you know if you gave up the drink and the drugs that things will be better." I thought, "stuff you my man." People think they can frighten you into going straight. They don't know you've got this magic substance that stops you being frightened. They think they can bully you or push you around. But they can't. You cop and it is all good."

You can see how easily Billy dismissed the "I know better," attitude of the doctor and his wife. But, the 'I know attitude is one people often find hard to let go of. One way of helping yourself to do this is to ask yourself how much credit you can take for not being an alcoholic or addict. None, of course! It's just the luck of the draw that you didn't have the predisposition or the susceptibility. Or, if you find yourself slightly superior about the fact you don't drink, or control your drinking easily, remind yourself of the reason you are able to do so. It's a combination of all sorts of factors operating on you that made you into that kind of person. It's not as if you generated your own qualities and made yourself a particular kind of person. Billy explains that when someone got through to him, it was not someone who knew better, but a non-judgemental statement by a concerned stranger.: "One night I was lying in the gutter in the city and this guy nearly drives over me. He got out of his car, rally shaken. I was totally unable to move and he rolled me onto the pavement. I can remember him looking down at me, with this scared look and he said, "You shouldn't be here man, you shouldn't be here." Something touched me and I began to think, no, I shouldn't be here. I'd been lying in gutters and worse for years, but it hit me that night. It really hit me. I got to the point where I was prepared to admit someone might know better."

Detachment:
Detachment is a technique which means that even though you may care very deeply about whether or not the alcoholic drinks, you do not become directly and emotionally involved in dealing with his or her problem. You're detaching from your 'wanting' for your loved one to get well; you're detaching from your control self that tries to make it happen. You remain a person who still has love and caring for your addicted one. Instead of being directed by a basic attitude of "being against" the person, 'being overpowered' or even 'being for' the person, you simply realise that you are dealing with processes beyond his or her control and beyond yours. Take the case of Caroline, a woman with an alcoholic husband, who used detachment to help her husband to recovery.
This Caroline speaking,"He was a bar drinker. Always promised to be home on time, then he'd call up, another half an hour, another half hour. Always apologetic about it, so I hated making a scene. But, of course, it got to that and there'd be shouting matches and I'd complain about all the good food going to waste. I'd grab the beer out of his hand and the kids would wake up and there would be abuse and swearing.
Caroline speaking, "I went to Al-Anon and in very practical terms learned what to do. He called up and say he'be home in an half hour. I'd say come home when you like, but please stop making the silly calls. That threw him, so he kept calling. In the end, I took the phone off the hook. Well, the first night, he was spoiling for a fight, but I ignored him. I was pleasant, but distant. Then, over a couple of weeks, it built up into a thing in his mind that I didn't care about him. He told me Al-Anon was where all the wives got together and ********************ed about the men. I told him if he thought that, maybe he'd like to come to a meeting some time when he was sober. He was very dismissive of that and went on and on about me not caring. I realised there was an element of truth in it and I told him that I was getting to the stage of not caring about him. All these things, I'd rehearsed in my mind, before I spoke to him. So while I was actually fairly devastated by what was happening, I could tell him very calmly. It diffused things and I had the feeling it got through to him more."
'Then he got into a thing that I was after his money. I actually realised I was staying partly for financial security and I admitted that to him. I think it really shook him, because he could see that I might leave if I got myself together, which was happening fairly rapidly.
Caroline made the decision to treat her husband as a person. 'I knew he was verey sick and disturbed, but I made a decision to listen to what he had to say--for instance, about me being after his money. I acknowledge the truth in that I believe that attitude can only help because the alcoholic actually forgets that they are a person too.'
'One thing I kept saying to him was that I thought we could make a go of it if when he got sober and I left AA material around. We went on like that for 18 months and he had his first shot at recovery. It took another year before he got sober, but I was prepared to stay around because I saw it was getting through. I had great faith in the AA program because Al-Anon had saved me from going crazy.

Caroline did not find detachment easy. She says, "I deliberately made a decision to be very matter-of-fact with him because that was the only way to get through. I thought what I'd say, practice and then say it. Often I felt very emotional, but I really had to deal with that separately.'
It's important to note that detachment isn't a single thing that people suddenly acquire and put into operation. It's a matter of putting into practice the principles described in this story---admitting and recognizing things in yourself, letting go of the situation and active acceptance.

Caroline husband Danny, says that Caroline's attitude was a major factor in his seeking treatment. "Sometimes, she drove me mad---you know, always so calm. I couldn't get her going. She just kept saying things to me and it got through. One important thing was that I felt she cared. Not in a soppy way, but just she wasn't or at me the way so many wives are."

What Caroline was doing was letting the reality of Danny's situation come to him, while dealing with the reality of her own situation. She gave up any attempt to make him stop drinking, but presented the facts and made her own position clear about what would happen if he continued to drink.

Telling the Addicted Person about recovery programs:

Failing to point out to alcoholics or addicts the nature of their disease allows them to continue the fantasy that they don't have a problem. You, as a person close to them, have every right to point out what you believe the problem to be.
Communicating this so it is an aid to recovery takes the skill of detachment plus the ability to choose the right time. Caroline admits that she used to abuse her husband before she understood alcoholism. she say, "I'd yell at him,, "You bloody alcoholic, you can't stop drinking." That was in the days when I thought you have to fight and win, but of course it was totally counter-productive and actually damaging. When I started going to Al-Anon, he was very dismissive of everything I said, But if the time was appropriate, I drop in a few facts about alcoholism and AA and hope something was getting through. On one hand, talking to an alcoholic about their problem, you're threatening everything they've got. On the other hand, you've got a person crying out for help. I found once I started putting detachment into practice, that it was much easier to judge when I could get through." Caroline had started from an attitude of being superior. This approach was ineffective and it was only when she was able to detach and relate as one person to another that she got through to him.

Paul,m the father of a drug addict son, went through the same process as Caroline. Paul speaking, "I'd get so furious that I'd tell him that he was nothing but a junkie." true, but not conducive to any sort of communication. Then I met other parents in the same situation, one with a girl who was recovering and they helped me see that I really did want my son to get well. I got information to help bring that about.
The big thing was to establish communication again and that took a while to do. Its very easy to get on the wrong side of a junkie--and they really harbour resentments. But anyway, he decided to come home for Christmas, and on Christmas Day, i went to talk to him. I told him I was sorry for being antagonistic to him in the past. Then, i started to say I knew he had a problem. He exploded and told me it was none of my business. I backed off. Later, I wrote him a letter and told him I thought he had a problem and enclosed some NA brochures and some pamphlets from a recovery place up the country. Two months later, he called and thanked me. I could feel the tension down the line. he was waiting for me to ask what he was going to do, but I knew he'd explode again. i told him I would like to see him again soon. He said he'd be home soon.
He drops in now and then and he's begun to talk. He still full of all this junkie bull**************** and that heroin is preferable to nuclear war. I don't get it, but I drop some hard facts about addiction and I've got a feeling it's beginning to get through. But it's hard. The addiction itself is so powerful. That makes it hard to communicate. But the way I reacted in the beginning also added to that. One minute I was a parent, the next I was the enemy. I had to work on my attitudes before any information could get through to him.

Paul was intially ineffective with his son because he was operating from attitudes of "me against him" and "knowing best both of which aroused hostility and defensiveness in his son.