Any Work-aholics out there?

[kaistevens]

I'm Kai, I'm an alcoholic.

My husband and I met at an AA meeting. I will have 4 yrs sober on March 21, 2008, my DOS - alcohol. He got 5 yrs sober on Oct 3, 2007, his DOS - cocaine (figure that?!?)

I know that we can not afford to be different, special, or unique, but... He is part of a smaller group of us in recovery. The life style he came from is what you see in movies like Godfathers, he was one of the real 'bad boys', but with a heart of gold. But maybe that's not even part of the same issue.

He's my hero. Not in my usual co-dependant fashion, I revere him in the way my creator intended a wife to revere her husband. He is a work-aholic, and that's a different challenge because we can't obstain, we have to moderate.

Since the begining of his life, the authority figures in his life have been demanding, demeaning, un-satisfy-able. And, while all those people from his childhood are no longer here, he is still driven, from somewhere inside his heart, or head, to please or satisfy them, to one day do good enough, to measure up. But they aren't there anymore, he's being driven by ghosts, he's shooting for a target that is not there.

I don't know how I can help him. Not FIX him, but help him. I am his help mate. I hold him up to God in prayer. At some times, I have to deal with him with forcefulness, "Work the steps, or Die!". At other times, he needs extra gentleness. I see him trying to honestly look at himself and see 'his part', he's looking and honestly not seeing.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? Does anyone know something that works best?

If you believe in spiritual warefare, he is a warior, and I am in triage. This, I know, because, like a sharpened sense of hearing in a blind man, I have a sharpened sense of spiritual perception, where my perception of reality (through mental illness/brain malfunction) is not so good.

Due to this health issue I am struggling with right now, I barely function physically at all these days. Like every good work-aholic, he doubles his efforts, picks up the extra load, and plunges forward.

My efforts to reflect the priceless treasure I see when I look at him only seem to make things worse. And my guilt and shame of having become such a burden is getting to be overwhelming. I am so blessed to have him, but I feel like his punishment.

I don't know how to reach him. If you have any ideas, I would love to hear them. We don't want to loose this one. Not that anyone has greater value than anyone else. But in this day and age, where people are suffering and dying all around us, we don't want to loose this one, because he is here to reach the ones that most of us just will not be able to reach.

Thank you for listening. Kai

[Misselle]

Hi Kai-

That is a tough one. I have issues similar to his in that I feel driven to be "good enough." Recently, however, I had a big professional setback that made me put things into perspective, and I think I balance my life better.

At the core of my workaholism for me was my identity was wrapped up in my work. If I did well professionally, then I must be a worthwhile person despite my childhood issues and problems (active or no) with alcohol. Is this the case with him?

[kaistevens]

Absolutely!!

His work is definitely his identity. His work is emaculate. He is one of THE BEST. No matter how impeccable his work, he can find fault in it.

Daily, I point out positive affirmations, the good I see he has done, or good I see in his heart. I absolutely DO NOT exagerate, I only give him honest affirmations.

Am I doing the wrong thing to so 'bull-headedly' point out good to him? Am I making things worse? What does he NEED from me?

[JohnDaniels]

Hi Kai,

Thank you so much for sharing.

You had asked "What does he need FROM me?"

One of the things I appreciated most, in my entire life that I remember today above all bits of advice that all the people ever given me when I was really up against it, was in this situation;

I was going through an emotional termoil some 28 years ago. I went to one of my friends and told him I was having some trouble. His most warm and most welcome reply to me was, "How can I help?"

He didn't try to figure out on his own what I needed so he could fix me. I often hear most well meaning people give advice that while it is well meaning and from heir hearts, it is of no value. That is because many people will give advice based on them wanting to change the way I feel, in order to put me in a frame of reference they can understand.

Many times people will give advice, weather they are asked or not, and many times it is only intended to make the other person stop talking about their problem. It will shut the other person up and make them stop talking but it has not solved anything. Now the problem is still there only now it will fester. Then there are 2 sets of problems - the original problem and a resentment.

So I try to let the person know that I am here as a sounding board and I ask them how I can help. That is unless I am working as an AA Sponsor on the steps with my sponcee - in that case I know they don't know the steps or how they work and how the steps will change our lives. In that case I suggest that we ought to do it exactly as the instructions tell us. I like that word "ought" as opposed to "command". I think most alcoholics I have met like "ought to" much better than "have to" or "you better".

I don't know how ALL guys think, so I can't say something like "us guys are like this..." So I can't speak for all guys. But I can tell you it has been my experience as a married man of about 30 years that my wife has learned to be there for me but to basically leave me be to figure it out on my own.

My wife on the other hand, insists on talking all about one of her personal problems, and talking quite insistantly about it, I might add.

That is one of the big differences between her and I. Like Mars and Venus or something. Haha.

I like to go off and work out some of my problems all on my own with God. I was told by a woman that is a "guy thing" but as I said, I can't speak for all guys. I certainly can not speak for all women. I am sure that woman who told me that can not speak for all guys. Haha. I am sure ALL guys are not all exactly alike.

Please read an example of how I worked out a problem that I think your husband may work it out in similar fashion;

I really tried hard to live up to my fathers expectations the entire time he was alive. I had a very difficult time dealing with his death many years ago. It has been over 3 decades now but I still think of him every day. He was a young man of only 47 years old when he died from an accident. He was a very successful man with a very limited grade school education. Even with his limited grade school education he worked hard and the last few years of his life he got where most men never get to. He was a very intelligent man.

We did have allot of poverty when I was a child that I remember being homeless living in a stationwagon, many times going to bed hurgry and having to wear the same pair of clothes all through the 6th grade. Water was cheap though so I washed my clothes out before bed every night and hung them to dry for the next morning.

The last few years of my fathers life he reached a point in life which most men only dream about. Perhaps it was Gods way of allowing him to enjoy the fruits of his labor. He sure was a hard worker though. In his last few years, he provided us a big beatiful home with a big swimming pool in an upperclass neighborhood. He had 2 new cars in the garage and I had a new Mustang in high school which I made all the payments on. All through school I worked hard and made more money than other kids in my school and I dressed well.

In high school I was very athletic and I lettered in track, cross country, wrestling and gymnastics. After school in the evenings I worked until 1 o'clock in the morning as a janitor. Sometimes I took a Saturday night off of work early to go on a date, but mostly I worked, studied and was an althlete all through school.

My father made plenty of money in my high school years but I worked so hard anyway through my high school years because he instilled hard working values into me. Later on after I graduated from school I worked on some pretty big jobs all around the world until I retired. I always provided well for my family by putting in long hours and hard work.

When I reached somewhere around the age of 46 I started getting an uneasy feeling inside. I was restless and wanted to run away. The closer to the age of 47 I reached, the more uneasy I felt inside. As I was approaching the age of 47 and 9 months, I started having panic attacks.

I went off by myself as I always do when these types of things come over me so I could talk it over with God and figure it out. What I figured out was this:

I was terrified that I would reach the age my father did when he died of 47 and 9 months, and it would happen to me too. I also was ashamed and I felt so inadequite that I was reaching the age he did before he died and I had not achieved what he achieved before he died. Even then I was trying to live up to his expectations weather those were imaginary or real.

The age of 47 and 9 months passed and I saw that I was still alive and that I did not die at the same age my father did. I learned that was because although he was my father, he was who he was and I am who I am. Our lives were very different even though he instilled in me the values he did.

The AA program being as wonderful as it is, taught me the steps and a way to make ammends to my wife. I had amends to make to her because I went off by myself and left her in the dark when she wanted to help me work it out. Even though I didn't want her to help me work it out, it hurt her. And I had to come back and explain what was going on inside of this alocoholics head. I said, "I don't expect you to understand, but I will tell you what has been going on in my crazy head..."

Then I explained it all.

We have learned to accept the fact that we are just different that way. The thing is, we don't have to go crazy over it. She knows when I need to be alone and work it out. When she needs to talk and talk and talk about something bugging her, I have learned to set and listen patiently because that is what I think I am supposed to do for her. I don't try to change her feelings though. I always offer the same advice my buddy did 30 years ago when he said to me, "How can I help?"

[kaistevens]

So, how is it we are teaching our sons to measure their success, or their worth, in things? And how do I NOT teach my sons that?

One of my husband's 'pet' justifications for working his mind and body beyond his human limitations is, "I want nice things, for myself, and my family." His family doesn't want nicer, bigger, newer things. Not as much as they want him, anyway.

His father died 3 years ago on New Year's Day. He was angry at God for a while. He was 2 years sober and just getting to know his Dad. He has said that he knows now that it wasn't God he was mad at, but himself, for wasting all the time he had.

But he still doesn't get it. His family, his life, is right here, right now, today. The cabinets in our kitchen were obviously made for function, not beauty. They are big, and roomy, and do what kitchen cabinets are supposed to do. If he keeps pushing, we might have new cabinets in a little over a year. But a year from now, our granddaughters won't be 3 years old, and 5 years old, anymore. They will be 4 and 6, and 3 and 5 will be gone, and they could care less about what those cabinets look like and probably won't care next year.

It would be great to have new cabinets, that are square and with drawers that don't stick, but if they never get replaced, if they are still here in ten years, and all we have to show for our time is stories and pictures of the girls at 3, and 5, and 9, and 11; well, that sounds like a pretty successful life to me.

How do I teach my sons to move forward in this moment, rather than run past it towards some goal in the future that may never come? How do I teach them One Day At A Time, Just For Today, "Wherever you are, be there?" Nicer things would be great, but what about today?