saying I'm sorry

[admin]

saying I'm sorry

<hr>

<b>flickchic</b> - Tue 24 Jan, 2006 6:39 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b>saying I'm sorry<hr class="sep" width="95%">
I'm just wondering right now if I always need to apologise for expressing myself honestly. Last night my ex partner phoned (we are only this week separated) to ask a couple of things also to tell me he is on a different swing to me (we both work away on mine sites) and his fly in/out day is different to mine, they were meant to be the same. Basically that means we will not see each other at home. I expressed my dissappointment regarding the new arrangements, also some controlled annoyance as I wanted to see him in two weeks time when we were both due to be home again. He told me the employer messed it up... I sort of wonder....maybe he changed it (it wouldn't be the first time he's lied to me), hower I have accepted either way I cannot change the arrangements.
<br>

<br>
I wondered if ought be apologising to him for my attitude and manner next time he rings...something tells me NO, I was only being honest...I wasn't rude or abusive....is this about honest expression of "how I really feel"?...I think so. I told him I felt like he'd kicked me in the gut just a little bit more. I told him I had nothing more to say after that also as I really didn't feel like talking to him anymore....funnily enough it was him who tried to keep the phone call happening...not for long I told him I wanted to go.
<br>

<br>
So after all that... my question....ought I be apologising for expressing myself honestly even though it was not in the nicest of ways? Maybe it's time I stopped being so apologetic? <hr>
<b>Misselle</b> - Tue 24 Jan, 2006 7:53 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<span style="color: darkred;"><span style="font-family: Tahoma;">Hi Flickchic-
<br>

<br>
Go with your gut. If you feel like you were being honest and that how you approached the situation was how it needed to be done, then own it. It sounds like you two have had a lot of history that has contributed to this moment, so you are the best judge.</span></span> <hr>

<b>Doraine</b> - Thu 26 Jan, 2006 12:05 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
Felicity the rule is say what you mean but don't say it in a mean way. Only you can decide if you owe an apology.
<br>
Just my <img src="images/smiles/2cents.gif" alt="2 cents" border="0"> <hr>
<b>fibiray</b> - Thu 26 Jan, 2006 8:10 pm<br>

<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
I don't think there is any reason to aplogise for how your feeling you just spoke you truth. It is only when we use the truth to hurt another is when an apology may then be required. As stated follow your gut instinct and let your conscience be your guide. <hr>
<b>flickchic</b> - Thu 26 Jan, 2006 9:29 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b>a little more courage<hr class="sep" width="95%">
hi guys,

<br>

<br>
thank's for your input, I also discussed this overall topic with my other counsellor and he basically said the same as you have. ok gut instinct was that I'd said my bit appropriately and when I sat and considered it all I owed no apology, in fact last night I even had the courage and correct attitude to ask him if it had in fact been his decision to not return at the same time...his answer " I thought I told you it was the employer's decision", I replied " well I thought I'd check as in the past you have not been honest about things when you thought they might annoy me", I left it at that, I'd expressed my true thoughts and feelings again on the subject and felt better for having done so.
<br>

<br>
I haven't told him yet, my supervisor has only rung me back this morning however I've arranged to fly back two days later than normal so there will be one night home at the same time. I will be telling him that it's because I'd like to discuss things face to face and as a party of what was a r/ship I feel i ought to be able to have some input over the outcome and not have to wait five weeks to do so, it is only one night after all if he cannot deal with that then there will be some major problems sorting through the leftovers I feel, besides last night he mentioned friendhsip, it sounds like a bit of a cliche' to me however that's probably due to me still being so hurt and feelings so raw. <hr>
<b>Kirstin</b> - Thu 02 Feb, 2006 12:21 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">

Hello. Sounds to me like you are in reality seeking validation for the way you feel he is behaving verses the way you think he should behave. When we can not stop from doing something, like saying I am sorry all the time, we suffer usually from "Low Self Esteem" otherwise we would not have to repeatedly point out things that bother us about someone else.
<br>
Saying I am sorry all the time is also a pretty good indicater of Codependency. Needing to take the other persons feelings into how we are feeling or how they react to how we are feeling.
<br>

<br>
Amends and I am sorry are not the same. We make amends because we may not have been wrong in our opinons but we have hurt the other person as a result of voicing it...when our true motive was not to help them but to bring them down and show them how we feel. None of this is necessary when we have high self esteem. Saying I am sorry from our heart is sincerity. If we are not sincere about it then we need to look at our part as to why we put ourselves in this position over and over.
<br>

<br>
Step 10 in the 12 and 12 talks a lot about this how we constructively criticised someone who we felt needed it, when our real motive was to pull them down and teach them a lesson. Make ourselves look better by hiding a bad motive under a good one.
<br>

<br>
Its a spiritual Axiom that whenever we are disturbed we are to blame...
<br>

Maybe take a closer look at your motives? <hr>
<b>snugsnug</b> - Thu 02 Feb, 2006 1:31 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
Hey flickchic,
<br>
Glad you shared on this, my counseler always tells me to check my motives and my intentions, if they are pure and honest then no apology is needed.
<br>
snugsnug <hr>

<b>flickchic</b> - Mon 06 Feb, 2006 2:01 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
Kirstin, Snugsnug, thank's for your input here, I've actually seen what you mean by "motives and intentions" and it's making me have a good hard look at myself. hmmm the co-dependency is true emotonally, yes I do spend a lot of time apologising for things I say and for my actions. I'll be giving this topic some more thought.