the challenges of life....

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<b>flickchic</b> - Sat 11 Feb, 2006 12:28 am<br>
<b>Post subject: </b>the challenges of life....<hr class="sep" width="95%">
I hear that God only allows what he thinks we can handle, I could sit here right now with what I've heard this a.m. and say hey "don't you think I've already got enough on my plate at the moment?....where's the fairness in this"? alternatively I can sit here and say "ok you think I'm stronger than i think I am, you're the guide, the one with the knowledge, guess I'd better listen to what it is you are trying to tell me".
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M has been looking for another job, there are plenty out there...in the mining industry for electricians....lack of skilled labour around....anyways he got the Sat. paper and I asked if there was much in there...response; "yep, but need something now to make the next mortgage payment", he's obviously not told me something...we had discussed a temporary overdraft until we both get paid again in the next fortnight; then he said 'doesn't matter, I'll just let it go..all of this (being the house and property)....it's all too hard. I said I'd help, he repeated himself...I asked what had brought this on and he said he wasn't comfortable talking about it at the moment.....I think it's got something to do with what happened last night, when he returned he said he felt he'd walked into every room of the house where the kids and i had been and didn't feel welcome in any of them...that was partially him, he'd come home flat after a long day, the other is I know my kids aren't too sure at the moment about him, I told my kids he and I had separated, that I'd had a drunken binge again, that he'd had enough and didn't want to be with me anymore...I guess my kids are feeling a little defensive at the moment for me and there is disharmony in the home.
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Initially I just wanted to cry, frustrated that we didn't get a chance to discuss this and I'll have to wait until some time tonight when the kids are in bed, pain at the thought of him giving up, pain at the thought of loosing our beautiful home...
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then it occurred to me that if God has given me this challenge because he thinks I can handle it then there must be a solution somewhere, or things for me to consider and attempt to find a possbile solution; I no longer feel sad inside, don't want to cry, I have spoken to the children since beginning here and yes the 7 and 8 yr old both owned feeling uncomfortable, my 2nd eldest said he's ok, that he hasn't taken on board M's and my arguments, he accepts that they are between us and hasn't changed his opinion toward M. I told the little guys (as we refer to them) that I don't want to tell them how to be, however could i suggest that they try being freindly to him when he comes home later and for the rest of the w/end, speak with him some more, if they don't fel good about that or something else to come and talk to me.
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M has never developed a r/ship with my children as I have with his, I am outgoing and kids love me though, he is not outgoing at all, he's hard for people who don't know him to approach, a lot of people lable him as arrogant and hey kids pick up on these things....he has complained in the past that my kids treat him disrespectfully; mostly by not listening to them and that when we pick the kids up they don't even say hello, well I turned that one around a few months ago and suggested "he" make an effort first, and that respect is earnt, and after all those kids have been through, they're pretty protective of themselves re men. I guess a lot of what happens/how I am really reflects upon this household,
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well last night in my side step of sobriety I was reminded of my "positivity quote" and that there's always a lesson to be learnt, from the good and the bad, things tha make us happy and things that we feel cause us pain, part of the lesson here for me I feel, is to pick my bum back up off the ground, return to that positive mode, and maintain good close contact with my soul parent....while I was feeling crap last night and ended up having a drink and smoke I could not find contact with my soul parent at all....it just wouldn't happen for me, i have struggled this morning also, so I guess that's where my message came from....I did have some assumptions to M and attitude to his flatness and later did wrong to myself by using and guess who ended up in pain...me..of course...and guess who's recieving negativity today...me of course.....now I now if he chooses to stick with his decision then I cannot change that however I can change my attitude to him when he returns...instead of the woe is me....what have I done.....I can leave the pressure and be happy and positive. one day at a time...if the worst comes to worse then I'll face that when it happens....gosh this is hard work BUT....right now I'm glad I've shared all this and changed my attitude to what could have totally destroyed my afternoon.! <img src="images/smiles/105.gif" alt="change" border="0"> <hr>

<b>zoomie</b> - Sat 11 Feb, 2006 1:39 am<br>
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Wow you do have a lot going on. I guess what jumped out to me is the fact you drank last night. it's not the end of the world,but it might be if you do not think about how being sober can get you where you need to be and that is with your kids and a sober life style for you and them. I promised myself I'd never drink over a man again. Losing your house is a big one though and that is a tough break. I fear losing my house too in my divorce,but if it comes to that,then it was not ment to be. I kind of want a new change anyway,but my kids would be hurt. Please next time come here and post before you pick up that drink,we are here for you.
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((((((((((((Huggys))))))))))) <hr>
<b>Prescott</b> - Sat 11 Feb, 2006 8:52 am<br>

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<img src="images/smiles/45.gif" alt="hug" border="0"> Hi Felicity, after reading you post I was reminded of when I got sober. I had lost everything, home, family,friends, $$ with nothing left but to go back to jail or die my life was quite simple. I feel that having a drink is sure better than some of the alternatives. When my wife passed away a year ago this month I thought of taking a drink. I knew deep inside that it really wouldn't help in the long run. But I was 7yrs sober at the time. My heart goes out to you, you have so many things to consider as you try to give up you best friend (alcohol). I was so confused in early sobeirty and angry cause I didn't have that friend to take away my fears. It wasn't until I gave myself up to go back to jail and I was looking at 4yrs that I had my frist experience with my H.P. (GOD) and put complete faith in him/her that what was to be was up to him/her. The out come was I did 2 weeks and they dropped all criminal charges. At the time no one could of convinced me that things would work out like this. I had ran from this for 6yrs. Hang in there and one day at a time, have faith that you and your children will be taken care of. One day you'll be able to look back at this time in your life and see "GOD" was at your side the whole way though.
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The serinity prayer says it all. I pray it all the time. We are powerless in so many ways. One thing we can change is ourselves and when we change ourselves everything changes around us. Love in recovery John
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<img src="images/smiles/45.gif" alt="hug" border="0"> <img src="images/smiles/46.gif" alt="smile" border="0"> <img src="images/smiles/45.gif" alt="hug" border="0"> <hr>
<b>janbear</b> - Sat 11 Feb, 2006 9:31 am<br>

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I awoke this morning thinking of you,felicity, and started praying <img src="images/smiles/15.gif" alt="pray" border="0"> to my God for you.
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<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">I hear that God only allows what he thinks we can handle</div></div>In recovery, i heard that quote to be "God will not give us anymore than He and i can handle together" The word that stands out to me is "together". When things start piling up on me i dont think my God intends for me to handle it by myself, i would probably by myself end up using or drinking again myself. So i know that with His help we can handle it together. You call your HP your Soul Parent, use your Soul Parent in all things. Also, like zoomie said, come here and post, seek another in recovery when you struggle with your connection to your Soul Parent. And as John said make use of the "Serenity Prayer". It is a powerful prayer.
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I know for me that nothing can happen to me today that a drink or drug will make better.
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Today is a new day. <img src="images/smiles/icon_cool.gif" alt="Cool" border="0"> We can always start over.

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<img src="images/smiles/notalone.gif" alt="not alone" border="0"> <hr>
<b>Doraine</b> - Sat 11 Feb, 2006 3:47 pm<br>
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Felicity-
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First things first. You can gain the strength to cope with the changes happening in your life if don't pick up that first drink.Drinking only makes whatever else is going on worse. Are you getting to f2f meetings? A sponser can help you get over the urge to use. You can call your sponser before you pick up.Sobriety is the greatest gift you can give to your kids.But we can't do it alone. We need the help of a higher power, meetings and other alcoholics. You never have to carry a burden alone again. <img src="images/smiles/grouphug1.gif" alt="hug" border="0"> <hr>

<b>flickchic</b> - Mon 13 Feb, 2006 9:30 pm<br>
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hi, thanks for your support, a great family I share in here, yes, God gives us what he thinks we can handle, not just me alone. The Serenity Prayer is indeed powerful and a classic for me was this a.m. M said something to me that I could have quite easily reacted to and came close, however, i said the prayer and although I couldn't change what was said I could and did change the way I responded, which wasn't until about 10.mins later....
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He made a comment about me using my right hand (we were cleaning the car) then purposely made a point of turning away from me and not making eye contact with me for some time. Something else that came out of this for me; when I did repond and commented on how he had avoided eye contact to allow a reponse, he said "I didn't think one was warranted"....I initially felt like saying a lot to that too, I could feel that tightness in my chest, however I chose to listen to my inner voice that told me a retort would just set the ball rolling for an argument and really his opinion is exactly that and he can have it. From the tone i felt an element of control, I chose not to buy into it.
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I have seen some things including this in the past few days that have been eye-openers for me;
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with regards to the mortgage and house; I did manage to enjoy the rest of the arvo with the kids, when he returned I asked him what had happened for him to change his mind about everything and to be throwing the towel in, well he said he'd been feeling like crap and it all had looked to hard so he threw it my way....sunday we took all the kids to their respective other homes, he'd had a wee issue with his girls re them not sorting their stuff out properly, anyway as we were about to leave he said "I'll drive", now the only time he ever says that is when he's annoyed or angry with me (I always drive...I like to he's not bothered) he was about to walk through the back of house and lock up, kids were out so I went to follow to ask what I had done wrong, he scooted past me and said...you lock up.....so yep left feeling pretty confused and annoyed...I did react...I slammed the front door...got in the car with a bit of an "whatever" attitude. I thought about it for a few minutes and thought, no flick, this is NOT the way to be...I knew I hadn't done anything wrong...I did actually come to the conclusion that he was annoyed with his girls and took it out at me instead...I said the Serenity Prayer,had a chat with God and decided that again, whatever it was it was his issue, not mine, talking to my soul Parent put a smile on my dial and I left it there, watching the scenery. Was polite and smiled to M when I spoke to him and again left it at that. About 2 hours after we got home he seemed to be ok so I asked him what it had all been about...he said yes, he was annoyed with the girls and hadn't wanted to discuss it at the time. In the past I would have reacted to be punished for someone else's garbage,, however I just asked that he say he didn't want to discuss whatever in future instead of just walking away rudely as he had.
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Lessons learning here for me; Tolerance, acceptance that other people's behaviour is exactly that..theirs, Not reacting....doesn't achieve anything....I'm also seeing something quite strongly here....I'm not the only one in this disease (yes he's a drinker and heavier than I was), the behaviours I'm trying to address it seems he's beginning...wrong though I guess I just didn't see them before ; being inconsiderate of person/s close to me, blaming others for my annoyances/anger, spitting the dummy and throwing in the towel...I think I'm also feeling some pretty strong resistance here to my efforts to better my behaviour....not sure why but guess that's not for me to need to work out is it? <hr>
<b>Cassie</b> - Tue 14 Feb, 2006 7:37 am<br>
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<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">I think I'm also feeling some pretty strong resistance here to my efforts to better my behaviour....not sure why but guess that's not for me to need to work out is it?</div></div>

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As long as you are aware that your change is more important than anyone else's attitude about it, you are right. The book describes how these changes might affect family and friends.
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Any sort of change in behavior of my own has always resulted in a reaction from those around me. My ex was a drinker. When I quit, so did he for a while. Then he brought home alcohol free beer. "Just for the taste." He used Niquil to get to sleep. It didn't take long for me to relapse. My faut, not his. I chose. His resistance was in his quiet attitude of believing that not drinking was a "matter of self-control" and he didn't need a 12 step program to quit. I thought if he could do it, so could I. Major mistake.
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Today, friends and family are grateful for my sobriety and support it 100%. They saw where I was and know it was an awful place. From the beginning of my current relationship, I made it known that my HP, AA and sobriety were #1 in my life. Anything that threatened those would have to be dealt with right away. My husband is not a drinker. What a relief not to have to deal with that issue!
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So Flick, my prayers are with you. Your "plate" is overflowing at the moment. But, by staying with the program and your HP, you can get through the changes. Hang in there. It does get better. <hr>

<b>flickchic</b> - Tue 14 Feb, 2006 8:52 pm<br>
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<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">From the beginning of my current relationship, I made it known that my HP, AA and sobriety were #1 in my life. Anything that threatened those would have to be dealt with right away. </div></div>
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That's verypowerful Cassie, I admire your strength in recovery!! As each day passes I notice more and more his sickness in drinking, I struggle not to judge actually, as he is inbetween jobs and has the mortgage payment and child maintenance coming up (which he has the money for put aside) I said I'd help with day to day stuff inbetween, over 5 days he has asked me to pay for alcohol and it has cost me a $150Aus., last night I asked him exactly how broke he is cause I don't feel real comfortable paying for alcohol, especially knowing he'll be home for another 5 days yet...(he has a new job).... I can think of far better things to be using $300 odd dollars on, my counsellor asked me what I was going to do with the money i wasn't drinking..she suggested I do something nice for myself each time I'm home from work...well...there goes that out the door already...I would have had trouble justifying spending $50 of that on myself...funny how we don't think about it when we are in our addictions hey! Anyway my question to him met with some irritation and he said he wouldn't ask anymore...trouble is I know that he will spend what he has left and then I will be asked to help in other ways....I don't mind helping, he has helped me in the past, I just don't want to support his drinking...bit of a problem hey!!!....ironically whilst writing this just now got a phone call for a bill that is a week overdue for $160..guess I'll have to tell him that bills have to come first..sorry!
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Thankyou for your prayers Cassie, I am grateful for them, and yes I'm sure it will get better for me and mine.