Leaving my comfort zone/taking risks

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<b>flickchic</b> - Sat 18 Feb, 2006 4:57 am<br>
<b>Post subject: </b>Leaving my comfort zone/taking risks<hr class="sep" width="95%">
[i]<span style="font-family: Comic Sans MS;"> </span><span style="color: indigo;"> </span>I would like to share this, it was a big step and even bigger realisation for me.
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Valentines' Day was very hard for me, having not long been separated, I struggled with it all day, especially as M was in the same place as me for the bulk of the day. I tried o continually tell myself it didn't matter, but it felt like it did. I shared E-cards with my children and a couple of close friends and got big hugs from the kids, which I really did enjoy. "I still wanted more though" (but of course!!!). M and I sat down to watch tv that night and everything ws focused on V's Day...I got cranky in the end, told him to put the cricket on and walked out the room. I went and sat o/side and out it all came, I cried and cried, deep stuff, I related some of the stuff to other areas of my life and kept reminding myself what I'd shared with those that cared.

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Then I spoke with my soul parent and asked Him to please "HELP", I wanted to let it go and stop hurting....the more I prayed quitely the less my crying until I actually felt His presence and began to smile....I also "felt" a need to want to "hang onto the pain that I was asking Him to release me from", I was caught between smiles and a pull to cry some more..until I had a realisation through a silent spoken word...let it go, let God, it's ok to let go, God wants me to be happy, yes my comfort zone is saying cry, but it's feeling so much better to smile andlet it go!!!! I don't know how to explain the inner calm and beauty I felt, I guess those of you who have connected and trust your higher power/s will know....I thanked God gratefully and sat there for ages feeling so warm, so loved and comforted, I didn't need to be sad anymore, i have somone else now who loves me unconditionally and makes me smile often!!!!
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Even as I write I feel very warm and happy remembering. <img src="images/smiles/46.gif" alt="smile" border="0">
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I talk with my soul parent often now, I finally asked my M yesterday if we could chat about where things are between us because I'm having trouble with no boundries and need to know where he thinks things are and how he wants them to be so's I can work out where I want to be and how. there has ben some pretty confusing stuff between us, which i take resbonsibility for also, for allowing things to float along. we separted 5 weeks ago, one week later we finally spoke and decided to house share and try to be friends first.....well that kinda went further, which I expected it would, we've been too close for too long to not pick that thread up again. We share everything, including the bed....yes, my choice also, however it was for making a confusing time. I was so scared to bring the discussion up...fear of further rejection....I spent three days talking with God, asking for guidance....he kept telling me that if that's what I wanted to do then there was one answer...take the risk...know that whatever the end result I with His help and love would be able to cope!!! So I did, gently and rather awkwardly we chatted....when i thought i had a feel for the conversation and feelings happening I asked M to be my partner again. In the past I have asked him to have me back, even begged in my pain, I figured to express what I would like of him, rather than begging for me. We chatted heaps more, both sharing our pains and raw emotions of the moment and how much growth and change is a must for this to work, he said something about going back about picking up the past.....no, I told him that wasn't what I felt I'd like to do and suggested that we start a new beginning...well, he agreed that he'd like to be my partner. I quietly thanked God and then told M I was happy with his choice (and mine). Something I noticed immediately and have reflected upon since was the calmness I did manage to feel whilst having our chat and the calmness within and closeness I felt with God when M gave me his answer.....I didn't jump up and be all over him and thank him like I would have b4.....like I was sooooooooo grateful to him for giving me another chance....it was very different....I believe it is because much has changed in me over time, things I haven't noticed and growth that has quietly been happening, I don't NEED him anymore, I'd like to share a "Part of me" with him, however I haven't clamoured all over him and "Given ME to him" I also don't feel a "need to own him", I'd like for us to share of each other what we choose to",
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is this what it means to have an awakening, a rebirth and to come home? It feels so safe and loving to be one with my soul parent, to know that I am his child and that He will always be there for me....I trust in Him.
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I didn't reflect too much on what ifs, however I did know when I approached M that if he had chosen differently I would have been disappointed, however I would not have been alone, i have God, I have me, my children, some wonderful friends and a great extended family here..... <img src="images/smiles/45.gif" alt="hug" border="0"> I am grateful to have that much...so many haven't and there have been so many times in the past when i haven't had half that much...
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<b>janbear</b> - Sat 18 Feb, 2006 8:38 am<br>
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<img src="images/smiles/32.gif" alt="clap" border="0"> a truly spiritual experience there. <img src="images/smiles/32.gif" alt="clap" border="0"> I am happy for you <img src="images/smiles/45.gif" alt="hug" border="0"> <img src="images/smiles/46.gif" alt="smile" border="0"> <hr>
<b>peajaye</b> - Sat 18 Feb, 2006 2:55 pm<br>
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Hey Felicity, I too would call that a spiritual experience. It sounds like you are describing what the big book calls a psychic change. I'm happy for you to have made this discovery. Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle they say, and you didn't. <hr>