pretensiousness

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<b>flickchic</b> - Thu 09 Mar, 2006 7:46 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b>pretensiousness<hr class="sep" width="95%">
I was just reading Fibiray's response to "people pleasers" and had an ah-ha moment..thankyou, I'm very grateful!
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"not being true to self" and "putting on masks for each occasion or situation", these stood words jumped off the laptop to me!!
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I journalled last night and the day before how I'm really struggling with "looking" at my past behaviours, of being what I call pretensious, Fibiray could have been on a different angle, however it still worked for me. My counsellor and I discussed it yesterday and looking at the root of things, well the root has become very clear today....My parents were false, our "family" was false, we always had a "front" to put on when we walked out the door or someone came to visit, Something came to mind to me a couple of years ago re this however I didn't go any further with it, I had an "ah-ha" then, I have always really disliked having my photo taken, it dawned on me; the pretensiousness from a very early age, those photos were more often than not taken for relatives, "forced smiles" came to mind!!!! One time really stood out, I was 10 (I think) and my grandma had died and my mum had gone away interstate for a while to deal with that, so much crap happened at home while she was gone and then not long late we had a professional photographer come into the home to do a "family" portrait, I remember having the biggest argument with my parents cause I soooooooo didn't want to participate, I had to of course, gosh I resented them forcing me to be "pretend" to be happy!!! I remember feeling like I absolutely hated them for forcing that upon me, however I guess sometime after that I took it on board cause I was such a bad girl, so I figure the work again is on forgiveness, letting go blame at myself and and grudges I harbour there.
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Another time of huge pretensiouness for me which I don't think I've ever really shared with anyone was when I was 17. I was date raped pretty severly and ended up in hospital, I also fell pregnant, gosh, much coming up for me here, I'll probably go on for a bit so please excuse me, it's helping me though, I can remember the day so clearly, not long before me 18th birthday and my sister's 16th, we were to have a joint party. (which by the way I resented very much), I had hidden my pregnancy for 4 months from everyone, I had by the way decided to keep this baby as after all the crap I had been through and exposed to since the age of 6 this baby was mine as far as I was concerned, someone to love and someone to love me. My parents did find out before the party and on the day my mother and I had an argument cause my Nan was coming (my Nan was far closer to me than my mum ever was) and mum didn't want my Nan to know, I know they were already so ashamed of me and blamed me for being under the influence of alcohol and "bringing it upon myself", ( my parents never bothered to visit me in hospital after the rape...too much shame how dare their daughter be pregnant at that age!! and single) , anyway my mum forced me to change the clothes I was wearing for "my 18th" into something daggy and baggy to hide the shameful pregnancy....I know why now, cause I had a termination a couple of weeks later that was kept very hush hush,( too much shame) to the point where nobody ever spoke of it to me again. It wasn't until about 13 years later I finally came to terms with having to "give up my baby", I was 5 months pregnant when all of that happened. Every year on the due date I suffered, I grieved without understanding why until I had a session with a pyschiatrist and it came out. My ex husband made it hard even after that, I now know why he couldn't really grasp it, however at the time it really hurt that he couldn't...he'd say I couldn't possibly have been raped or I wouldn't want the baby, why would someone want to do that?....well that someone shut the rape out for many many years and at the time as I've already said, all I could think of was giving and recieving love. I do also now understand why my parents, particularly my mum were/was they way they/she was....my mum brought us up very strict Victorian English ways and her beliefs were strong and fixed. We'd get into trouble for needing to go to the toilet during dinner time!!!! You sat down to eat you stayed there! So did all else until all were finished. Actually having said that it's amazing how stuff rubs off onto us and we don't even realise some of it...my M is from Manchester, "common" as my mum would have called them once, our history is very prim and proper, my ancestors were from the Church of England, one of my Great (repeated) Grandfathers was an Archbishop of Canterbury, during Henry the VIII's time, Sir Richard Cranmer, anyway I guess history still impacts upon my r/ship as I do get annoyed at M's lack of manners sometimes and his children's especially. Guess I could look at having more tolerance and finding more of a balance hey.
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Well, I guess I was taught at a very early age to not be true to my own thoughts, feelings and ways, I too was very opinionated, (still can be sometimes come to think of it), used to get into trouble a lot for "backchatting", particularly if it happened during a hiding from my dad, I did learn eventually as an adult to take the hidings from partners in silence. As I got older as a teenager I rebelled big time against my parents and voiced my opinions rather loudly, however I know I was still not accepted, the way I behaved, dressed, spoke etc were all shameful and as I got older I became introverted and hid the real me out of fear of exposure. Even since I cleaned up my drug addiction and really came out of my shell I've still hidden a lot of my past and even now the deep secrets are not stuff I'd like to shout to the world, I guess acceptance and forgivenss of self is what I really need to work on now, to be that better person that I know I really am.
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Thank's for reading, it's helped me a lot, I'm grateful to have been able to share this. <hr>
<b>Clean42day</b> - Sat 18 Mar, 2006 3:20 am<br>

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<span style="color: blue;">thank you so much for sharing flickchic....I admire you for your honesty and willingness to now be open and not hide anymore. My family was the same in that we all had to be "good doctor's kids" and play the appropriate roles...especially in public. we all denied eachothers feelings and pretended like we didn't have any. our reality was dictated by my fathers emotional unavailability and my mother dysfunctional co-dependency. and I was at the bottom of the totem pole. the baby of the family....and a lost child for many years&gt;no one noticed me until all my feelings erupted into anger and frustration with simple things....like playing with dolls and I couldn't get them to "mind" like my mother would make me "mind". as I look back I was only role playing the role modeling I witnessed.....with those baby dolls.
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in general my family may have looked like a family but it was all a false image we created for others. they was very little affection showed towards one another and cuddling, expressing love, compassion, and kindness just somehow weren't appropriate. we all had walls of protection built around us individually to keep others out.
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but the one thing we all shared with eachother was we became a reflection of eachothers shame. I remember when my brother tried to commit suicide...and feeling his shame for him.....no one ever held him and let him cry or tried to help him heal.....afterwards....we just all pretended like it never happened. never brought it up, never talked about it, it was a closed subject.... like if we admitted it was real....we would have to take our individual responsibility's to contributing to his state of despair....and we couldn't do that....because no one had coping skills for those feelings.
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I guess since we learned condemnation, critisism, shame, guilt. and had created false selves......I grew up to do those things to myself.....when my family was no longer even in my life. feeling ashamed, and guilty was my natural state and that inner reality manifested itself outwardly in my life......I became perfect at being perfectly bad. I almost took pride in how "bad" i could be. the more shame I felt the more alive I felt. shame was tangible and love was elusive....for many years as an adult i felt i needed to be punished....so i would turn around and do something that I could punish myself for. When i was almost killed by a truck driver who tried to strangle me.....the very first thing I thought and felt....was it was my fault for putting myself in a postition to be hurt. It never occured to me that it was random, and that it could have happened anyone. I blamed myself.....and stayed in that state for a long time. 8 years later I got therapy for that event...and heard for the first time the words, No matter what you were doing, no one deserves to be strangled, tortured, and sexually abused." I never heard those words from my family growing up either.....it was real hard for me to accept just my worthiness as a human being let alone a spiritual bieng....................................
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this all reminds me of this reading:
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<span style="font-weight: bold;">CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE</span>
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A child who lives with Critisism
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Learns to condemn
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A child who lives with Hostility
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Learns to fight
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A child who lives with ridicule
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Learns to be shy

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A child who lives with shame
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Learns to feel guilty
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A child who lives with tolerance
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Learns to be patient
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A child who lives with encouragement
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Learns confidence
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A child who lives with Praise
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Learns to appreciate
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A child who lives with fairness
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Learns justice
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A child who lives with security
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Learns faith
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A child who lives with approval
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Learns to like himself
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A child who lives with acceptance &amp; friendship
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Learns to find love in the world
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- Dorothy Law Nolte
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I just want to thank you for sharing a deep part of your life with me and us.....I am blessed to have read your post.
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and I want you to know.....you are a loveable, loving, child of God, and no matter where you have been, what you have done, what you have lived through.....god forgives you &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; now don't make his forgiveness meaningless.....learn to forgive yourself too. as he forgives me, i must forgive myself and then turn around and pay that forgiveness forward to others.....like my family, who have no clue....how deep the scars run.
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p.s. some things are not our fault...no matter how others choose to deny it.....the reality is....that not everything is under our control. bad things happen to good people.....and I am sorry that some of that "bad" happened to you......you did not deserve it, did nothing to cause it, and don't believe for one second that it was your fault.
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light and love
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Gail</span> <hr>
<b>flickchic</b> - Sun 19 Mar, 2006 1:01 am<br>
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<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">and I want you to know.....you are a loveable, loving, child of God, and no matter where you have been, what you have done, what you have lived through.....god forgives you &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; </div></div> Thankyou Gail, that is a very caring thing to say to me, I accept God has forgiven me, it did take some convincing, however through the love I feel from and for God I know this to be the truth.
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<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv"> now don't make his forgiveness meaningless.....learn to forgive yourself too. </div></div>
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I thankyou for this also, I do still struggle with some shame and find it difficult to forgive some of my self stuff, some percieved self stuff, I have done a lot of work in this area and am continuing to do so, through God I am seeing things more clearly as to what was beyond my control and to cease blaming myself, yes regardless of how others may continue to deny it, that is their issue and not mine. It is sad how we blame ourselves for so much, even the childhood abuse!!!<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">the very first thing I thought and felt....was it was my fault for putting myself in a postition to be hurt. It never occured to me that it was random, and that it could have happened anyone. I blamed myself.....and stayed in that state for a long time. 8 years </div></div>

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I'm sorry you also suffered that "bad" stuff Gail, I am also grateful to read how strong and focused you are today. I enjoy reading your posts and shares, thankyou and your support is a blessing to me.
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love and friendship in recovery,