Manipulation and Selfishness

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<b>Cassie</b> - Sun 23 Apr, 2006 10:58 am<br>
<b>Post subject: </b>Manipulation and Selfishness<hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">When am I manipulative?
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Personal relations.
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Without understanding our motives, we can easily lapse into behavior aimed at manipulating others. Sulking is a means of letting others know we are displeased and forcing them to attempt to win our approval. Flattery is a false expression of approval that we don't really feel…. Giving others good strokes for our own purpose. Withholding deserved praise is a means of putting others down, something we're likely to do because of our jealousy.

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Manipulative behavior is almost always selfish behavior. IT is usually a false means of trying to get our own way. It is certainly an immature way of dealing with people and situations.
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The best way to avoid being manipulative is to be ourselves at all times. We have neither the right nor the responsibility to control or regulate other people. Our best approach, in trying to influence others' actions, is simply to state our own case with sincerity and honest. Others must be free to act, free to choose, and free to make their own decisions without manipulative interference on our part.
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I will be myself at all times today. I will not assume false roles simply for the purpose of bending others to my own will. Manipulative behavior is controlling behavior, which I must avoid.
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The door to the human heart can only be opened from the INSIDE. </div></div>
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I can give many reasons for why. Because it is what I learned. Few women, in the years I grew up, had money, influence or control over their future. Scraping by on little was a lesson in humility. Offeing up our sons for democracy for others was what we were expected to do.
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Our society has changed a great deal. But there are still splinter groups and factions who seek to obtain and control power bases world wide.
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I feel fortunate today and very grateful that this program has allowed me to be myself. I was also taught to nurture and give without question to others when they needed it. I look through rose colored glasses at a world I want sometimes, not a world I like looking into. So if I see good where someone feels none, I express it. Ostrich/bury my head in sand? Yes. Comfortable? Very. I take very seriously the expression "Be the change in the world you want to see."
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Just my 2 cents.
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Love in recovery <hr>
<b>free2bunme</b> - Sun 23 Apr, 2006 11:26 am<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">

<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">When am I manipulative?
<br>

<br>
Personal relations.
<br>

<br>
Without understanding our motives, we can easily lapse into behavior aimed at manipulating others. Sulking is a means of letting others know we are displeased and forcing them to attempt to win our approval. Flattery is a false expression of approval that we don't really feel…. Giving others good strokes for our own purpose. Withholding deserved praise is a means of putting others down, something we're likely to do because of our jealousy.
<br>

<br>
Manipulative behavior is almost always selfish behavior. IT is usually a false means of trying to get our own way. It is certainly an immature way of dealing with people and situations.
<br>


<br>
The best way to avoid being manipulative is to be ourselves at all times. We have neither the right nor the responsibility to control or regulate other people. Our best approach, in trying to influence others' actions, is simply to state our own case with sincerity and honest. Others must be free to act, free to choose, and free to make their own decisions without manipulative interference on our part.
<br>

<br>
I will be myself at all times today. I will not assume false roles simply for the purpose of bending others to my own will. Manipulative behavior is controlling behavior, which I must avoid.
<br>

<br>
The door to the human heart can only be opened from the INSIDE.</div></div>
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Wow, what a great quote. And what a challenge it is for me to determine when I am just being myself and when I am being manipulative. <hr>
<b>Cassie</b> - Sun 23 Apr, 2006 11:46 am<br>

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The quote came from here. <img src="images/smiles/icon_smile.gif" alt="Smile" border="0"> We must thank Tammy. <img src="images/smiles/icon_smile.gif" alt="Smile" border="0">
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<a href="http://www.cyberrecoveryforums.com/viewtopic.php?p=18450&amp;highlight=#18450" target="_blank" class="postlink">http://www.cyberrecoveryforums.com</a> <hr>
<b>Clean42day</b> - Sun 23 Apr, 2006 2:36 pm<br>

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<span style="color: blue;">It took me a really long time to learn how to straight up ask to get my needs met. in most cases it was because I felt incapable of meeting my own needs, or the fear of projection that others won't value me and my needs. I automatically assumed they would not honor me, so I felt I had to trick them into it, of manipulate them or use anger to get my way.
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My sponsor taught me how to risk being real with people and reveal my true motives and intentions up front. This gives the other person the right to choose to say "yes I am willing to help you" or "No I cannot help at this time". it is my job to accept the word "no' and move on to other alternatives and solutions. I don't like the way it feels when i am being emotionally manipulated and I am sure it feels the same way on the other end of my emotional manipulation.
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When i am faced with my own character defects.....upon closer examination most of them revolve around fear. and I have to ask myself, is this something I am capable of providing for myself? Can I resolve this situation under my own power? Do I really need others to help me?, or am I looking for the easier softer way? What is my desired result and can I create that result myself? if the answer to these questions is a big fat "no" I need someones cooperation? then I can clearly and effectively ask for it. instead of demand it or manipulate it.
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As with any relaitonship with others if I approach it from a position of power.....someone will loose and someone will win. but if I approach it from a position of cooperation and potential partnership.....it allows both parties to enter into an agreement based on personal choice.

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I value the power of choice in my life immensely, and valuing another persons power of choice is the honorable thing to do.</span> <hr>
<b>Cassie</b> - Sun 23 Apr, 2006 4:49 pm<br>
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I read my post again. I certainly don't think it is a good thing for everyone to bury their heads in sand. It is not my intent to convey that. But I can only work on my own defects. Other people's behavior is none of my business unless it affects me directly or they ask for help from me. I was taught, and still try to practice, trying to see the best in everyone. When I do that, people tend to be their best. Again, just my 2 cents. <hr>

<b>free2bunme</b> - Sun 23 Apr, 2006 5:21 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">My sponsor taught me how to risk being real with people and reveal my true motives and intentions up front. This gives the other person the right to choose to say "yes I am willing to help you" or "No I cannot help at this time". it is my job to accept the word "no' and move on to other alternatives and solutions. I don't like the way it feels when i am being emotionally manipulated and I am sure it feels the same way on the other end of my emotional manipulation.
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When i am faced with my own character defects.....upon closer examination most of them revolve around fear. and I have to ask myself, is this something I am capable of providing for myself? Can I resolve this situation under my own power? Do I really need others to help me?, or am I looking for the easier softer way? What is my desired result and can I create that result myself? if the answer to these questions is a big fat "no" I need someones cooperation? then I can clearly and effectively ask for it. instead of demand it or manipulate it. </div></div>
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important tools ---- thanks again for how much you share gail ..... you have such great experience, strength and hope! <hr>
<b>Doraine</b> - Mon 24 Apr, 2006 4:58 pm<br>
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I clearly felt manipulated recently when a woman I was sponsering told me she found another sponser. She never mentioned she was still looking and gave no indication that we had a problem communicating. I was her temporary sponser but I felt like I should have known she wasn't satisfied with our relationship. She keeps sending me e-mails. I don't know why. The last one was for a friendship bracelet which I'm not interested in purchasing. I feel she wasn't honest with me. My sponser assured me she's also been let go as a sponser. I guess it still bothers me. I was told to pray for her and let it go. Good advice. <hr>

<b>Cassie</b> - Tue 25 Apr, 2006 6:26 am<br>
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Doraine
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I wonder if being her temp sponsor led her to believe that you would realize the relationship would, at some point, change. I can easily get caught up in expectations of others that are unrealistic so, for me, being able to pray for someone and let a hurt go is progress. My program tells me not to count on people but to rely on the will of my HP. Trying to give the benefit of the doubt is difficult but it is "the road less traveled."
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Just my 2 cents.
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Your friend in recovery <hr>
<b>Clean42day</b> - Tue 25 Apr, 2006 11:27 am<br>
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<span style="color: blue;">I struggle with expectations with my sponsees all the time. and I know for me it is more about me than it is about them. The fact that your initial agreement with her was a <span style="text-decoration: underline;">temporary one </span>implies that she would be looking for another permanent one all along. if the agreement was that you would "be" her sponsor, then I can see where you would feel manipulated or betrayed. An agreement can only be broken when the lines are clearly drawn, the limits, conditions, and rules are clearly understood by both parties, and then one or the other breaks them. I would look at what my definition of temporary means. Maybe in your mind you unconsciously assumed and changed your agreement to a more permanent expectation without telling her your change of heart.
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and as we all know, new comers do not have the all the clarity in the world and are in a process of re-learning how to honor agreements and follow through with what they say they will do. And we as sponsors are in the process of allowing God or HP to work through us to help guide them, as we are being guided.
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I always want the best for my sponsees, and if that means that they find someone who they are more comfortable with and is better for them than me.....so be it. Because it is not about me anyway.
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We are talking about saving a life here, not about our own little plans and designs. God ultimatley leads us all in the right direction. and even when we make bad choices we learn from them too.
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I also see many people who are in sponsor/sponsee relationships and both parties feel trapped and are not being challenged to grow. but they stay out of a dysfunctional sense of loyalty. I would never want to hinder someones learning process, nor would I want that to happen to me.
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I feel that most of our lessons as sponsors and even sponsees is to give life the best of what we've got in the moment and to let go of the outcome and not attach ourselves to the negatives or the positives. however each persons walks their path is up to them. and just because someone in not on "our" path does not mean they are lost.
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Maybe what you gave her, while she was in your life, was enough to help her jump start the process of personal choice and personal empowerment....and that is a good thing.
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my sponsor tells me the most powerful thing you can say to a sponsee is" I bless you and I accept you". right where their at.
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light and love
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Gail</span> <hr>
<b>Cassie</b> - Tue 25 Apr, 2006 6:33 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv">I also see many people who are in sponsor/sponsee relationships and both parties feel trapped and are not being challenged to grow. but they stay out of a dysfunctional sense of loyalty. I would never want to hinder someones learning process, nor would I want that to happen to me. </div></div>
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I totally agree. The ultimate goal is working the program to the best of our ability. <hr>
<b>janbear</b> - Tue 25 Apr, 2006 7:34 pm<br>
<b>Post subject: </b><hr class="sep" width="95%">
<div align="center"><div class="codetitle">Quote:</div><div class="quotediv"> also see many people who are in sponsor/sponsee relationships and both parties feel trapped and are not being challenged to grow. but they stay out of a dysfunctional sense of loyalty. I would never want to hinder someones learning process, nor would I want that to happen to me.
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I feel that most of our lessons as sponsors and even sponsees is to give life the best of what we've got in the moment and to let go of the outcome and not attach ourselves to the negatives or the positives. however each persons walks their path is up to them. and just because someone in not on "our" path does not mean they are lost. </div></div>
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Boy, does this bring up something for me. My sponsor and i do tend to walk a different path but she has still been good for me. And i have been feeling a little lately that i am staying with her out a sense of loyalty when it may be time for me to move on. Little nervous about moving on though. I have prayed about it and someone is in my path, i have asked if i could speak to them but we have not been able to meet up since i asked that.