Types of Sponsors

[dalin]

Hey just when you thought that being a sponsor was enrichment enough for your recovery, there comes some old crony who has worked steps so much he looked at his own behaviors as a sponsor to others in NA.

(the best way to find out what type of sponsor you are is to listen to what the sponsees are saying amongst each other.)


The first time I became a sponsor was a simple thing some guy walked up and said hey will you be my sponsor? My ego answered before I could even think "why yes I will....." We got together and went through the first 3 steps (as I was shown) he left and he got loaded. I figured I was a terrible sponsor.. I went whining to my sponsor and he said did you get loaded?

(later - I learned he got clean and now has over 15 years clean..)

This brings me to the first type of sponsor

"Hey Look at me - I'm A sponsor." Type Newbie

This one is quite self explanatory really I would make sure to "talk good recovery" at a newcomer meeting and then be all too accessible after the meeting. I would then become the personal counselor for all of that sponsees whoes.. Call me at anytime Just don't use..



The second phase of my experience is;

The sponsor from Hell.

(this nickname was given to me by a group of sponsees one night.)

This sponsor needed you to check with him about everything and every little decision you where to make. "Did you check with your sponsor?"

We also worked the steps in a written format that was a precursor to the step guide we know today (but the one we used didn't have the benefit of being worked over by professional writers. It was scribbled down by some guy named Jimmy K..)

Yeah Also The sponsor from Hell was a purist even in language and how you talked at a meeting.

This sponsor type attracted the toughest cases. One Night I got a call that the group had just assigned me as a sponsor to one guy who would not shut up for a second.. He was prattling away like a chipmunk who lived in a coffee factory when I walked in. I sternly advised him to Shut up the group thanked me and that guy and I became so close in the next 5 years it was remarkable. (thanks group)

The third type I went through being was:
The Service Sponsor

Now here was a unique one, this was all about gaining ranks in service.
Now don't get me wrong about this (I was clean but sick - but I didn't quite understand the depth of how far it effected my life at that time)
Through this period I acquired / amassed a mere 212 sponsees and many had a "Name sponsor" (the next type)
Of these great guys my time was booked I didn't have a minute to be with my own issues It was fantastic...(If you were trying to avoid personal growth) At one time I was the sponsor of guys who served in every level of NA service, and several had become chairs of regional service committees all at the same time.

One strange side benefit that occurred from this insanity was having all those RSC Chairs communicate so often they came up with an idea hey lets have a forum... Lets call it the western states..whatever.. the birth of a new idea was a by-product of the thing. (see we never know who we touch)

The next type was :
"The name sponsor"

This is the sponsor who you get so you can say yeah I have ___as a sponsor. But you never call him or talk to him. We all know one or two of these guys or gals right?"

My favorite type of sponsor is this one:

"The Sponsor"

Some would call this person "my sponsor"
This sponsor is there for you, he takes your calls and listens to what you have to say and always asks a question after your done talking...
The question is "usually" how does this issue effect your recovery and the step you are working on?

This sponsor is only concerned with your welfare and recovery, he/she wont stand in judgment for some of your trials and tribulations he/she will simple wait it out and then after you bring up the issue they will share what the real deal is.

This sponsor knows the real you and how you are, they offer you hope and on occasion will come to you for some help also. They aren't afraid to let you know that sponsorship benefits both parties.
They are your advocate in all matters, be warned if you lay out a plan to do something and then deviate this sponsor will nudge you back onto that track unless you let them know your changing your plans.

The caring and empathy are always there - it may at times be cloaked by a aire of seriousness or humor, but its still there.

This sponsor doesn't care if anyone knows or recognizes that they are your sponsor, it's not about all that - it is about recovery and living the message through action. Nothing makes this sponsor more happy that for you to succeed.

Now you may ask yourself what type of sponsor am I?

These are simply based on my observations of myself and if you find some humor and other thing in it good for you..

It's my opinion that to be the best sponsor is simple.
Be there.
Listen.
Don't Judge.
Don't Tell them what to do. (suggest things that have worked for you)
Show them that the program is working for you.
Practice patience and kindness whenever you are with your sponsee, not just to them but to everyone around you. Be that example.


Thanks hope you enjoyed my sponsorship inventory.

Mike L

My freind at Earthgroup

[sioux]

My approach to sponsorship is purely to stay sober, and help where I can. I give to keep. Still selfish, but a good kind of selfish today that benefits others instead of victimizes them.

That is our primary purpose...for me to stay sober first, and help others to achieve the same thing.

I do not spend a lot of time and energy on sponsorship. It is not a requirement for me to listen endlessly to circle spinning. As a newcomer I did plenty of that and needed help to stop myself. I was out of control when I got here, and I didn't know how to stop drinking, talking, spending, going....

My sponsor said "There is a solution, but you will have to open your mind and heart, maybe close your mouth and stop spinning." I had to take directives, suggestions, whatever you want to call it. She had experience at staying sober and had a pretty darned good life from what I could see of it. That's why I picked her. Sanity was starting to return.

And then I wanted to have a buddy. She told me friends weren't necessary to my survival in AA's way of life at first. That would come with time, when I could learn how to be a friend. That really hurt, but pain was a great motivator in my life.

I work the AA program in my life, and if a sponsee wants what I have, then I will share with them what has worked for me. They will take it or leave it. Often, they leave it and I am okay with not ultimately having what they want. As the book states...we sometimes forget, as newcomers, that we have tapped into a new power greater than ourselves, and it requires labor among other things.

If they choose to work their program or some other method that I cannot have experience with, I bid them a fare-de-well and good luck.

I am careful not to take on the recovery or sobriety of sponsees. I will not work harder at taking steps with a sponsee than they are willing and able to do themselves.

There is no sponsorship college. I see a lot of fence sitting on both the part of the sponsor and the part of the sponsee.

There is only my experience, strength and hope. It is always a joy to see someone grow up in this Program.

I take no credit for those that have found success in achieving sobriety anymore than I would if they were to take that first drink.

These types are odd to me. I doubt they merit much importance in the grand scheme of things. The directions are in the book in black and white.

I take no credit in helping sponsees who achieve sobriety anymore than if they don't. There is no spiritual perfection.

Again, I do it for me first.

[dalin]

Thank you so much.
Everyone has things that they do that is there style.

[dalin]

1

[kaistevens]

I have a sponsee,
we were working on the 4th,
she relapsed,
we got back together,
reviewed the relapse,
picked back up on the 4th,
did the fifth,
then two nights later...

We showed up at the same meeting. Not many other people showed up, which was odd for that meeting. Anyway,
after the meeting, she and I are sitting out front talking,
and I had been feeling crazier than a LOON all day.
I stopped babbling, looked at her, and said,
"I need to do a fifth step with you." And I did.
The whole thing flowed naturally ( like some one smarter than me had planned it).

She asked some very insightful, and thought provoking questions.
She made some very insightful, and thought provoking suggestions.
WOW!!
It was a beautiful thing.
I'm not God. (thank God)
I don't know everything about anything.
Certainly not about staying sober.

[francie21805]

This is so good; I had to get it back out there!!!

My first experience with sponsoring was when a man assigned a young girl to me. I didn’t know any better at the time. To my frustration, she had no interest in (really) working the Steps, she just wanted me to tell her husband she was and how great she was doing. Needless to say, she got drunk and the last time I heard from her she was taking the geographical cure. I still think about her and hope she is well.

I’ve had several of these types since and what it had done for me is amazing. I use to believe almost anything anyone told me and today I’ve learned it’s not so much what people say as what they do. So, I’m trying to remember that for myself. I’ve also had the fear of saying or doing something wrong that might cause them to get drunk. My sponsor assured me that I was not that powerful.

Today, I sponsor two young, in sobriety, women and they know what being sponsored by me is about. (The Steps, going to meetings, accountability, responsibility and being of service.)

From you list, I want to aim at being “The Sponsor”. Sometimes I think I’m close, but I do fall short of the mark a lot. So, I’m making a copy of what you have so graciously shared and will be using it in conjunction with my 10th Step Inventory.

Thank You!!

[dalin]

Cool deal

[SugarScars]

Thanks for this. My first sponsor was competitive with me (of course, now that I'm back in recovery, I see that it's not just me that she's competitive with - it's ALL women) and typically made me feel puny and weak. She didn't empower me, and her negativity left me feeling cynical about recovery. Although she still shares in a very charismatic way, I now see that her sharing indicates a contagious sort of misery that is non-discriminating.

My new sponsor is perky and lively. She seems a little ding-y, but hopefully not too badly. She doesn't appear controlling (as a sick addict, I was originally drawn to the women who would get "military" on me because I didn't want to take responsibility for my own life). I think we'll get along just fine.

She's nervous that I'll be needy and overbearing. I think she's more nervous about this sponsorship than I am!

[shrubbery]

I still have the same clean date and same sponsor as I did in December 1993. My clean date was the 20th; and the group wanted to give me one of themselves as my sponsor. I went outside of them and chose my own fellow to sponsor me. On Aug 29th this year he will have 30 years and this year in Dec I will have 16 years.

I agree, someone who is non judgemental, but who listens as you chart a course and then tries to help you stay on that course even if the same thing did not work for him, that can be an excellent sponsor. I brought up the fact that he let me make my own mistakes, he did say his piece (also peace) at first when I suggested I was going to take such and such a tactic to proceed in my recovery.

He once pointed out that to do what I was suggesting I had planned could be non beneficial, but might cause me to learn more about myself. He was right, I did not use, but I did grow because of the necessity of living within the new integrity and responsibilities I had already become accustomed to having as part of my daily life.

I have been all the sponsors that have made the list. I have had those persons who did and still require someone to "smack them down" these persons would tell you that is what they know they need. I only know that some of us are sicker than others of us and at the beginning I had hopes that I was simply sick emotionally or mentally ill and that sobriety or addiction was not my problem. These people who NEED a soft clout behind the ear are such persons. I understand and empathise with them and their journey.
It is bad enough being and addict with those mental problems of my disease talking to me, but to have those additional problems of mental disorders etc. -- whew!! It takes a careful empathy and gentle caring to help someone along who can not see themselves (and it is not because of denial).

I know when someone who is what used to be called "spastic" arrives--- by the end of the meeting if that person has shown some willingness to quit using, drinking, abusing society and themselves, you surely get the point... that person is gently brought over to me and I am suggested as their sponsor. I tell them what meetings I should be at over the coming week, give them my land line (no cell phone here), tell them to call first before they use, and most importantly I tell them to give themselves a break since it took them a long time to find the courage to QUIT, it will not be an instant application of THE CURE to keep them clean.

I am also the one who someone likes to say is his sponsor, yeah, go ahead and tell me you want me as your sponsor, then work the first 3-4 steps and then never call again. I am not going to call you and bust your hump to make you get more rewards. My recovery is mine and if they wanted what I have they have to work for it in their own manner. When the sledding gets too difficult and summer is here and they still have a sled unstead of a skateboard, the pain of pushing the sled will eventually wear them down and they will try something different. I did. They will. That is what I tell those who choose to work their program as slowly as they can possibly do it.

I agree that being a fascist sponsor is difficult, especially as the sponsor. I do not like telling someone "Get out of here with those lies, start telling the truth." But when their mental illness will not allow them to remember last week. All they can remember is the last few days. It is a living within a system of repeated and continuous same acts ... until it becomes a new and better way of living for them. In those cases I do take some pride when the person can enter a room without being a chipmunk who raided the coffee shop.

It means that now they have an opportunity to open their minds and hearts to what is offered to them so freely. When I have a sponseee who is able to shut down the outward chaos that comes so frequently out of their mouth or from their actions or "spastic" behaviors, I frequently give them affirmative response and tell them how well they are doing. They become a joy to have around. Their minds are quick because they are tangental all of the time.

Got to run library is closing so I am being logged off as I fill out this last line.

Peace