Sponsorship Do's and Donts

[dalin]

WHAT DOES A SPONSOR DO?
A sponsor's primary responsibility is to help a sponsee work the 12 Steps

A sponsor helps us work the 12 Steps by providing explanation, guidance and encouragement.
A sponsor helps us get established quickly in our Fellowship by explaining basic concepts and terminology and by introducing us to other members.
A sponsor is a safe person whom we can learn to trust.
A sponsor can answer the many questions that we can have as newcomers or develop as "mid-timers."
A sponsor can help us in the process of self-examination that the Steps require.
A sponsor encourages us to read the basic text of our Fellowship and other program literature and to engage in Fellowship activities and service work.
A sponsor can monitor our progress, confront us when it is appropriate and generally help us stay on the recovery path.
A sponsor confronts our behavior, not our being, and he or she does it with compassion.
A sponsor reminds us to apply 12 Step principles in our lives.
A sponsor models the 12 Step program of recovery.
Our sponsor is available in times of crisis.
A sponsor provides practice in building relationships.
WHAT A SPONSOR DOES NOT DO:

A sponsor cannot keep us in recovery.
A sponsor is not our therapist
A sponsor should not attempt to control our lives or encourage an unhealthy dependence.
A sponsor should not take advantage of us our exploit us in any way.
SOME FACTORS TO CONSIDER IN CHOOSING A SPONSOR:

Has what we want
Lives in the solution
Walks the talk
Has a sponsor
Emphasizes the steps
Has more time in recovery than we do
Has worked more steps than we have
Is available for telephone calls and meetings
Emphasizes the spiritual aspect of the program
Gender is the same as ours*
IF A POTENTIAL SPONSOR SAYS NO:

Some reasons are:

The person is currently sponsoring as many people as he or she can handle. A sponsor who takes on too many sponsees does each of them (and himself or herself) a disservice.
The person is not taking on new sponsees because of a heavy travel schedule, a planned move, or some other reason based on where he or she is in life or the program.
After discussing the potential sponsorship, the person realizes the match would not be a good one. That conclusion is as much about the potential sponsor as it is about us.
When potential sponsors reject our request for sponsorship, it is usually about them.
It's a privilege to sponsor someone. And it's one of the ways we stay in recovery.
* This, as with all the suggestions here, is a general guideline. This may not be appropriate for recovering folk who identify as lesbian, gay, bi-sexual or transgender. Additionally, in many communities, some trusted "old-timers" may sponsor people of another gender.
J

[Montauktammy]

The person is currently sponsoring as many people as he or she can handle. A sponsor who takes on too many sponsees does each of them (and himself or herself) a disservice.

I did this one and it was also a disservice to my sponsees all of them

[francie21805]

[shrubbery]

As a sponsor who attends many meetings within the city of Pittsburgh and its suburbs for about 30 miles, I frequently see old friends and many of the people who I sponsor. Most of the time it is their regular meeting and/or mine, perhaps it is even their home group or mine. One thing I have had to learn is that if I take my time in reaching out to them and let them see me and let them come over to me when they have a chance they most often will. The need to find encouragement in both of our eyes, theirs and mine, and the willingness to still show the care for the program and the people arriving in the rooms is first in most of their and my heart.

I do not go over to them right away because most of them are involved in some form of service during, before and after the meeting. When they are a greeter, it is great to see them and I am proud to get that slap on the back or gentle rub above the ear that says "yeah, I hear you--I am giving back today!" When they are sitting there exhausted after setting up the room or making the coffee, or some other beginning activity I remind them of how at first we (myself and other sponsees or just them) did just that ... put down chairs, cleaned the coffee pot, put just the right mixture into the pot to make it taste "marvelous". Many of my sponsees have first made contact with me while I was setting up a room, putting out the literature, chairs and coffee cups and creamer. A lot of them never made coffee in their lives, it was the first new skill that they might need for the rest of their lives. Learning the ropes and watching how literature is handled ... with love and care, not just thrown on a table but set as a presentation to draw attention to a different pamphlet, idea or textbook.

When I walk over to a sponsee and the first thing that he says is hey, I finished that step I have been working on, I am glad for him, but I know that that is not necessarily the most important thing going on in their life. I stop the flow of words from their mouth after the first few paragraphs and ask, so how are you feeling today, how is our frisky friend the disease acting up lately, and if they are a frequent caller I mention how much their recent calls meant to me and how important they are to my recovery.

So my do's were ... I give them space to run and or ruin their own lives, but am there to see the results of their efforts. (showing up at their meetings, watching them perform service) I sit near them in discussion and text meetings, (most of them got some insight into the traditions, concepts, and steps from me) and listen as they chair meetings to the insight they have gained through their own experience. They are NOT PRODUCTS of my recovery. Rather they are success stories of their higher power, rigorous honesty, willingness, and personal diligence.

A don't is an emphatic "I do not rush up to them and get pushy about a step they are taking a long time to work through." If it was hard enough for me to get into the rooms and the same for them, how can I imagine that they would find working the steps easy.

I do leave them with a few quotations from the text, and from yours truely. Two such are these:
"Recovery as experienced through our Twelve Steps is our goal, not mere
abstinence. To improve ourselves ourselves takes effort..."

"Our minds and bodies seem tired of it all, yet the dynamic forces of change or true
converson, deep within, may be working to give us the answers that alter our inner
motivations and change our lives. --> both from the White Book page 10

"Silence may be misunderstood, but never misquoted" --> me

peace

[CD BUCKBERRY]

shrubbery , All of what you wrote is true,a good sponsor not only cares about step work but most important how the sponsee is feeling or doing that day or minute.I am just starting to sponsor someone.Thanks to you and Dalin for good words to learn from.

[Victoriana]

I have joined a group where the men greatly outnumber the woman. I think there are only 7 woman amongst about 30 men. The woman don't seem to be sponsors. How do I go about safely getting a sponsor there? Any help gratefully received.

[dalin]

I would try talking to the women.
They didn't get here by osmosis.
Find a few that have a few years of recovery.
Build up relationships with them.
Ask about sponsorship at meetings.
Pray about it.
Hang in there.

[Ourshirtsrock]

Originally Posted by Victoriana

I have joined a group where the men greatly outnumber the woman. I think there are only 7 woman amongst about 30 men. The woman don't seem to be sponsors. How do I go about safely getting a sponsor there? Any help gratefully received.

Its ok to have a "HOME GROUP" , but try some of the local womens meetings when trying to look for a sponsor. Just because you joined a home group does not mean you have to find a sponsor within that group!