Being Vulnerable...Melody Beattie

[clean42day]

Being Vulnerable

Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We
learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections, not so that
others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love
and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and
changing.

Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes
us vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and
people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel
ashamed.

Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may
have shared things with people who didn't respect our confidence. Or we
may have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them
away.

We learn from our mistakes, and despite our mistakes, it is still a good
thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to
choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share
appropriately, so we don't scare or push people away. We can also learn
to let others be vulnerable with us.....M.B.

[clean42day]

We can learn to share
appropriately, so we don't scare or push people away.

for me in the past I never realized that a lack of having boundaries was also disclosing too much information too soon. It was almost as if I would share too many intimate details for shock value to see if someone would either accept me or abandon me. I did this unconsciously of course until my therapist pointed out that I was actaully testing people for their sincerity or tolerance level.

Many times by doing this: I would gage my value and worth by thier reaction.

if they walked away from me, it would re-imprint my deep seated belief that I was not worthy of love or friendship.

and if they stayed and hung in there with me, I did not trust their sincerity, and would many times set myself up for a very dysfunctional relationship.

As I changed my beliefs about myself and my own worth and became more grounded in self love.....that whole dynamic changed too.

Today I can be vulnerable with people appropriatley because I am spiritually centered in the love for self and God, instead of "other people" centered.

Today I don't get blown by every wind, nor am I so rigid that I can't allow people into my life.

I think it all has to alot to do with self trust, self-acceptance, and honoring myself first instead of placing other peoples feelings, thoughts and ideas above my own.

today I can just be honeslty me without pulling people into something or pushing them away.

there is nothing to test anymore....I have already passed my own self-test, and my grade is = self-acceptance.

The cool thing about that Is the more self-acceptance I can practice the more acceptance I can offer to others.

[free2bunme]

for me in the past I never realized that a lack of having boundaries was also disclosing too much information too soon. It was almost as if I would share too many intimate details for shock value to see if someone would either accept me or abandon me. I did this unconsciously of course until my therapist pointed out that I was actaully testing people for their sincerity or tolerance level.

... (and) if they stayed and hung in there with me, I did not trust their sincerity, and would many times set myself up for a very dysfunctional relationship.

Clean, thank you so much for writing about this .... i have done this too in the past and did not realize that it was due to lack of boundaries at the time .... i just thought i was giving the worst to the person right away so that they would know exaclt what they were getting into ... certainly it was a way to keep people away as well.....

Today I don't get blown by every wind, nor am I so rigid that I can't allow people into my life. I think it all has to alot to do with self trust, self-acceptance, and honoring myself first instead of placing other peoples feelings, thoughts and ideas above my own.

I have to say that I have gotten a lot better about taking other people's opinions of me so personally. but i am very rigid about letting men into my life because i do not trust my instincts there, and with good reason based on past choices. I notice that and it bothers me, but I don't really know how to get over that hurdle. I guess just trusting that my HP will be there for me if I mess up, even if I do make a bad choice.

The cool thing about that Is the more self-acceptance I can practice the more acceptance I can offer to others.

COOL!!!!!!

[clean42day]

I have to say that I have gotten a lot better about taking other people's opinions of me so personally. but i am very rigid about letting men into my life because i do not trust my instincts there, and with good reason based on past choices. I notice that and it bothers me, but I don't really know how to get over that hurdle. I guess just trusting that my HP will be there for me if I mess up, even if I do make a bad choice.

I just went through that stage Free and the answer for me was just be willing. at some point as we get healthier, we must put our new skills and behavior into practice. it is the risk we take to grow out of our old ways and into the new, and in the process we learn self-trust along the way. Yes our HP will always be with us in this process, and it is learning to create a new history with ourselves to draw on some good choices to remember also.
somewhere along the line we will have both = the wisdom from the past and good experience in action in the now and the tally sheet will start to become balanced. as a poem I love says.....DON'T LOOK BACK, YOUR NOT GOING THAT WAY.



DON’T LOOK BACK

As you travel through life there are always those
times when decisions just have to be made,
when the choices are hard and solutions seem
scarce and the rain seems to soak your parade!

There are some situations where all you can
do is to simply let go and move on,
gather courage together and choose a direction
that carries you toward a new dawn.

So pack up your troubles and take a step forward.
The process of change can be tough.
But think about all the excitement ahead,
if you can be willing enough!

There could be adventures you never imagined
just waiting around the next bend
and wishes and dreams just about to come true
in ways you can't yet comprehend!

Perhaps you'll find friendships that spring from
new interests, as you challenge your status quo
and learn there are so many options in life,
and so many ways you can grow!

Perhaps you'll go places you never expected
and see things that you've never seen,
or travel to fabulous, faraway worlds and
wonderful spots in between!

Perhaps you'll find warmth, affection and caring,
a "somebody special" who's there
to help you stay centered and listen with interest
to stories and feelings you share.

Perhaps you'll find comfort in knowing your
friends
are supportive of all that you do
and believe that whatever decisions you make,
they'll be the right choices for you!

So keep putting one foot in front of the other
and taking your life day by day.
There's a brighter tomorrow that's just down the
road.
Don't look back, you're not going that way!

light and love

Gail

as Dr. Phil says -

GET EXCITED ABOUT YOUR LIFE