Weekly Meeting 4/1-4/7 Trust - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

*janbear* · 04-01-2008, 09:34 AM

It can be difficult to develop trusting relationships in Recovery but a necessary part in the recovery process. We all need someone we can trust. Trust brings about changes in us. Have you established any trusting relationships in recovery? How have you learned to do that? Or do you still struggle with this issue?

Montauktammy · 04-01-2008, 01:21 PM

Oh Jan are you in my head. Trust is the thing I struggle with the most, I did not get in the rooms a trustful person I was a dope fend we don't trust any one! The thing is for me I get disappointed when people don't meet my expiations , and then the fear of being hurt by people not meeting my expiations put me right back to those trust issues. I got to let people be people and God be God. As far as trust in people keeping my confidence I have found 1) I try not to do things that I could be ashamed of someone finding out. 2) I am no longer ashamed of my past it can't hurt me any more cause I have dealt with it and I am not that person any more. 3) if I make a mistake that I could feel some shame from I put it out there no matter how painful it my be so It can't make me sick and there is a possibility I can learn from it and not have to make that mistake again. As far as trusting people I trust that all people are human and will not be perfect and my HP I trust 100% of the time but that also is a learned behavior not one I was born with. Thank you Jan you rock

*barbie25* · 04-02-2008, 12:59 PM

I have fromed a couple relationships with people I feel I can trust. These are people I meet right away in my recovery. they were there my first day and are still here seven months later. I know I can trust them because they know alot about me and have never thrown it in my face or used it against me because they have been there done that. Also the more i trust myself the more i find it easier to trust others. thanks for the topic Jan.

*janbear* · 04-02-2008, 10:20 PM

I, too did not come into recovery trusting anyone. Some of it came from my past as a child being abused. I thought everyone wanted something from me. I didnt want to be touched, and i sure wouldnt tell anyone anything about me, because i feared backlash if i did that. It took me forever to get a sponsor because of that, and even when i finally got one, it took me even longer to say much about me. I just didnt know how to talk to people for fear. It took me a long time to warm up to people but someone once told me how to see if i could trust someone. They said to throw out a tidbit about myself to one person. Something that didnt matter if it got back to me or not, in other words nothing to personal. Then if i came back i would know that i couldnt trust them to keep things to themselves, or if it never came back then it was safe bet i could trust them. I have tried this on more than one occassion and found some i couldnt trust, and some i actually could trust. My last sponsor who passed away in January, i could trust her with absolutely anything, she knew everything there was to know about me and still accepted me, WoW, what a great feeling. I am still sad about that loss but i am learning to talk to and trust some my new sponsor. I am still picky who i willing to trust these days. Tammy, brought up expectations. I do well to remember that people will be people and the higher my expectations of them, the more i will be hurt when they dont live up to them, and therefore my serenity level decreases. So if i keep my expectations low, the higher my serenity will tend to be.

*zoomie* · 04-03-2008, 07:11 AM

I'm the exact opposet, I trusted everyone when I came in LOL. I had to learn though that trust is a two way street and that people did not trust me yet. I had to keep coming and follow most suggestions. I learned to rely on strangers growing up becauseof being abused in my home. I did't trust my family,so I had to trust someone. The teachers where kind ot me and so where strangers. It was only til I got in my teens and started drinking and drugging that I found that "men" had other things on their mind other than talking. I did not know how to say no,so I ended up sleeping with a lot of guys to protect myself if that makes any sence. I did't trust myself so much during my first marrage because I would drink and cheet on my then husband. I had to learn to trust myself and being sober makes you be more respectful of yourself. Great topic!

*admin* · 04-03-2008, 09:09 AM

I have to say I have a few trusting relationships in recovery with number one being my trusting relationship with God. I have been thinking about this topic most of the morning. What comes to mind when I think of trust is not just trusting others but also trusting in God and trusting in myself. I think maybe for me to develop trusting relationships with others begins with having a trusting relationship with myself and with God. I was doing a little looking around and found a few things:
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/T...ationship.html
http://www.sandiego.edu/wellness/healthy/self.php
http://www.relationship-affairs.com/yourself.html
http://www.relationshipsofgrace.com/Free%20articles.htm
http://www.ezinearticles.com/?Trust-Yourself&id=792332
http://www.nurturingart.com/trust.html
http://blog.worldvillage.com/health/trust_yourself.html

Ok I'll stop with the links here. I could get lost all day reading this stuff. Anywhos as I said for me to have a trusting relationship with others I feel starts with me having a trusting relationship with myself and God. Thanks for the topic Jan.

*janbear* · 04-03-2008, 05:55 PM

You are on target there, Tammy, trusting God had to come first. For years though i only trusted God and no person. I feared rejection, pain from people. Today i can risk some with people.

Zoomie, you reminded me of what i have heard a long time ago about us alcoholic/addicts. That we tend to go to one extreme or the other when we come in, We either trust no one with anything, or we trust everyone. Either way can get us into trouble. I guess its about finding that middle ground.

*zoomie* · 04-04-2008, 06:56 AM

I had to learn the middle ground the hard way. Nothing bad happened,but just because people are in AA does not mean they are all there. I had one guy a long time ago give us girls from the half way house rides to meetings. He use to take me out shopping to get new clothes. One day he said he wanted to stop by his apartment. He went to his bed room and came out with a robe on. Right then and there I knew what he wanted and hightailed it out of there. I thought he was just being nice and helping us new commers,but he had other ideas. I learned to be leary of men in AA for the most part after that.

noshoes · 04-06-2008, 11:37 AM

Trust was a real big problem for me. I just didn't trust anyone, period. As a result of that, my life didn't change a whole lot for a long time. It's pretty hard to work steps correctly, when you don't have a sponsor, or even a friend that you can confide in. I was 7 years without a drink or a drug, before I found I HAD to find someone to trust. The pain of holding stuff in was becoming greater than the pain of telling someone. I found a man, and asked him to be my sponsor, and we began working the steps TOGETHER. I'd done "5th steps" in treatment before, (went thru a few of them before getting sober), but I'd always left out the stuff I was so ashamed of, that I was gona carry it to my grave. But with him, I trusted him enough to tell him ALL of it. It quite simply changed my life. It was a turning point. I wasn't just dry anymore. I was getting sober. Funny how that works.......
And on a different level of trust, I ride a motorbike on a regular basis. When I'm out riding, I don't trust anyone in a car or truck. I'm just not into putting my life into the hands of someone talking on the phone instead of paying attention.
Thanks for letting me share, Neil

Montauktammy · 04-15-2008, 01:22 PM

I am learning to trust the process of my recovery as well, yes people will disappoint me yes I will get hurt from time to time, all of theses things are true how about the statement you are right where you are suppose to be! Ouch it always hurts to hear that one right well I find it is true or how about this one pain is necessary suffering is optional. That one hurts too well I am learning that yes from time to time people I trust may hurt me and it is ok cause I can learn and grow grateful even for the growing pains. Funny how I learn more about myself when I get disappointed or feel betrayed by a person I love and I love them in spite of my pain hugs

04-01-2008, 09:34 AM	#1
janbear willing servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 14,184	Weekly Meeting 4/1-4/7 Trust It can be difficult to develop trusting relationships in Recovery but a necessary part in the recovery process. We all need someone we can trust. Trust brings about changes in us. Have you established any trusting relationships in recovery? How have you learned to do that? Or do you still struggle with this issue? __________________ And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man. -Shakespeare For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

04-02-2008, 10:20 PM	#4
janbear willing servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 14,184	I, too did not come into recovery trusting anyone. Some of it came from my past as a child being abused. I thought everyone wanted something from me. I didnt want to be touched, and i sure wouldnt tell anyone anything about me, because i feared backlash if i did that. It took me forever to get a sponsor because of that, and even when i finally got one, it took me even longer to say much about me. I just didnt know how to talk to people for fear. It took me a long time to warm up to people but someone once told me how to see if i could trust someone. They said to throw out a tidbit about myself to one person. Something that didnt matter if it got back to me or not, in other words nothing to personal. Then if i came back i would know that i couldnt trust them to keep things to themselves, or if it never came back then it was safe bet i could trust them. I have tried this on more than one occassion and found some i couldnt trust, and some i actually could trust. My last sponsor who passed away in January, i could trust her with absolutely anything, she knew everything there was to know about me and still accepted me, WoW, what a great feeling. I am still sad about that loss but i am learning to talk to and trust some my new sponsor. I am still picky who i willing to trust these days. Tammy, brought up expectations. I do well to remember that people will be people and the higher my expectations of them, the more i will be hurt when they dont live up to them, and therefore my serenity level decreases. So if i keep my expectations low, the higher my serenity will tend to be. __________________ And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man. -Shakespeare For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

04-03-2008, 05:55 PM	#7
janbear willing servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 14,184	You are on target there, Tammy, trusting God had to come first. For years though i only trusted God and no person. I feared rejection, pain from people. Today i can risk some with people. Zoomie, you reminded me of what i have heard a long time ago about us alcoholic/addicts. That we tend to go to one extreme or the other when we come in, We either trust no one with anything, or we trust everyone. Either way can get us into trouble. I guess its about finding that middle ground. __________________ And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man. -Shakespeare For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

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04-01-2008, 01:21 PM	#2
Montauktammy Trusted Servant Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 513	Oh Jan are you in my head. Trust is the thing I struggle with the most, I did not get in the rooms a trustful person I was a dope fend we don't trust any one! The thing is for me I get disappointed when people don't meet my expiations , and then the fear of being hurt by people not meeting my expiations put me right back to those trust issues. I got to let people be people and God be God. As far as trust in people keeping my confidence I have found 1) I try not to do things that I could be ashamed of someone finding out. 2) I am no longer ashamed of my past it can't hurt me any more cause I have dealt with it and I am not that person any more. 3) if I make a mistake that I could feel some shame from I put it out there no matter how painful it my be so It can't make me sick and there is a possibility I can learn from it and not have to make that mistake again. As far as trusting people I trust that all people are human and will not be perfect and my HP I trust 100% of the time but that also is a learned behavior not one I was born with. Thank you Jan you rock

04-02-2008, 12:59 PM	#3
barbie25 Moderator Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: St. Francis mn Posts: 276	I have fromed a couple relationships with people I feel I can trust. These are people I meet right away in my recovery. they were there my first day and are still here seven months later. I know I can trust them because they know alot about me and have never thrown it in my face or used it against me because they have been there done that. Also the more i trust myself the more i find it easier to trust others. thanks for the topic Jan.

04-03-2008, 07:11 AM	#5
zoomie Moderator Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 2,204	I'm the exact opposet, I trusted everyone when I came in LOL. I had to learn though that trust is a two way street and that people did not trust me yet. I had to keep coming and follow most suggestions. I learned to rely on strangers growing up becauseof being abused in my home. I did't trust my family,so I had to trust someone. The teachers where kind ot me and so where strangers. It was only til I got in my teens and started drinking and drugging that I found that "men" had other things on their mind other than talking. I did not know how to say no,so I ended up sleeping with a lot of guys to protect myself if that makes any sence. I did't trust myself so much during my first marrage because I would drink and cheet on my then husband. I had to learn to trust myself and being sober makes you be more respectful of yourself. Great topic!

04-03-2008, 09:09 AM	#6
admin Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 28,249	I have to say I have a few trusting relationships in recovery with number one being my trusting relationship with God. I have been thinking about this topic most of the morning. What comes to mind when I think of trust is not just trusting others but also trusting in God and trusting in myself. I think maybe for me to develop trusting relationships with others begins with having a trusting relationship with myself and with God. I was doing a little looking around and found a few things: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/T...ationship.html http://www.sandiego.edu/wellness/healthy/self.php http://www.relationship-affairs.com/yourself.html http://www.relationshipsofgrace.com/Free%20articles.htm http://www.ezinearticles.com/?Trust-Yourself&id=792332 http://www.nurturingart.com/trust.html http://blog.worldvillage.com/health/trust_yourself.html Ok I'll stop with the links here. I could get lost all day reading this stuff. Anywhos as I said for me to have a trusting relationship with others I feel starts with me having a trusting relationship with myself and God. Thanks for the topic Jan.

04-04-2008, 06:56 AM	#8
zoomie Moderator Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 2,204	I had to learn the middle ground the hard way. Nothing bad happened,but just because people are in AA does not mean they are all there. I had one guy a long time ago give us girls from the half way house rides to meetings. He use to take me out shopping to get new clothes. One day he said he wanted to stop by his apartment. He went to his bed room and came out with a robe on. Right then and there I knew what he wanted and hightailed it out of there. I thought he was just being nice and helping us new commers,but he had other ideas. I learned to be leary of men in AA for the most part after that.

04-06-2008, 11:37 AM	#9
noshoes Cactus banger Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Tonopah, AZ Posts: 7	Trust was a real big problem for me. I just didn't trust anyone, period. As a result of that, my life didn't change a whole lot for a long time. It's pretty hard to work steps correctly, when you don't have a sponsor, or even a friend that you can confide in. I was 7 years without a drink or a drug, before I found I HAD to find someone to trust. The pain of holding stuff in was becoming greater than the pain of telling someone. I found a man, and asked him to be my sponsor, and we began working the steps TOGETHER. I'd done "5th steps" in treatment before, (went thru a few of them before getting sober), but I'd always left out the stuff I was so ashamed of, that I was gona carry it to my grave. But with him, I trusted him enough to tell him ALL of it. It quite simply changed my life. It was a turning point. I wasn't just dry anymore. I was getting sober. Funny how that works....... And on a different level of trust, I ride a motorbike on a regular basis. When I'm out riding, I don't trust anyone in a car or truck. I'm just not into putting my life into the hands of someone talking on the phone instead of paying attention. Thanks for letting me share, Neil

04-15-2008, 01:22 PM	#10
Montauktammy Trusted Servant Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 513	I am learning to trust the process of my recovery as well, yes people will disappoint me yes I will get hurt from time to time, all of theses things are true how about the statement you are right where you are suppose to be! Ouch it always hurts to hear that one right well I find it is true or how about this one pain is necessary suffering is optional. That one hurts too well I am learning that yes from time to time people I trust may hurt me and it is ok cause I can learn and grow grateful even for the growing pains. Funny how I learn more about myself when I get disappointed or feel betrayed by a person I love and I love them in spite of my pain hugs