~ PERFECTION ~

[janbear]

~ PERFECTION ~

:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing
from God
as my sucesses and my talents,
and I lay them both at His feet.

Mahatma Gandhi

:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:
I don't know why I used to think that if
something wasn't done perfectly, it wasn't
worth doing. I was an all-time overachiever,
and to fail at something was totally
unacceptable. It was hardly surprising
that I couldn't like, let alone love, myself,
since I set such impossibly high standards
for myself. I was constantly pushing
myself to excel at those things I was
good at, and would beat up on myself if
I failed to measure up to the high
expectations I held. I was especially
critical of my body and thought that if I
had the perfect body, then my life would
be perfect.

When I came into the program, I had to
learn not to be so hard on myself. For
the first time I began to realize that I was
human and could still be loveable and
worthy, even with all my imperfections
and character defects. I am lovingly
reminded by my sponsor and my friends
in the fellowship to be more gentle on
myself, and that I don't even have to do
the program perfectly. I just need to do
the best I know how for that day; then I
can see progress one day at a time. I
don't have to push myself to be perfect
all the time in order to win approval or
gain love. What a relief that is!

ONE DAY AT A TIME ...
I don't have to be perfect all the time. I just
need to to be the best me that I can for today,
and that's the way God intended me to be.

:~*~

[flickchic]

Causes of Perfectionism
If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early in life that other people valued you because of how much you accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to value yourself only on the basis of other people's approval. Thus your self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting to protect yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is your only defense.

A number of the following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:

Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.

Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.

Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval.

All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a straight &quotA" student who receives a &quotB" might believe, &quotI am a total failure."

Overemphasis on &quotshoulds." Perfectionists' lives are often structured by an endless list of &quotshoulds" that serve as rigid rules for how their lives must be led. With such an overemphasis on shoulds, perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.

Believing that others are easily successful. Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.

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Excellent post Jan,

I was especially
critical of my body and thought that if I
had the perfect body, then my life would
be perfect.
...yes me too!!!

I had never before accepted that I was a perfectionist.....how could I possbily be...I'm so far from perfect....if I was a perfectionist, surely I would view myself so much higher????...wrong!!


John my T and I had quite a good chat re my expectations of self, my percieved thoughts on others' expectations of me and God's expectations of me....all related to perfectionism...
I've commented b4 on how I have seen it in my eldest son Jacob, in the past, thankfully he is letting go of it and becoming more relaxed with himself, his views of himself and what is achievable and not. Saw it in him, not self...that good old mirror, things that really stand out, that we want to change in others is in the 'mirror'!!

Pride is a result of perfectionism also as I discovered yesterday, pride/ego....
I shared with John about not wanting to ask for help, not even from God, I have been able to accept past mistakes(which at the time and for some time after I percieved as failure), have been able to ask Jesus to forgive me, im doing so I believe I have accepted that I was far from perfect, pretty normal actually, for an addict at least. Anyway seems I still have that defect by way of not asking for help recently...hang on, that meant I had to own to not being able to cope, not being capable....well hello!!!!....that is failure in my eyes, it's less than what Felicity is!!!...oh oh through my own high expectations I "shove them upon Mark" also, "he ought" to have known I needed help, I expected him to be perfect also (well he is isn't he???)...he failed me, "I" thought; by not knowing and acting upon my needs....
woah back Felicity.....such judgement...no wonder God and I were having some problems there...actually it was me having problems with Him....He was there awatching the whole thing...waiting I feel for the right time to help me open my eyes, to "use my voice", to "own my defect", to "see it for what it is".

"SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD"....yep that one came up too!!!!...I should have been able to cope!!!! I have been working on shoulds for ages, trying to be very concious of using and incorporating that word, well it's not just the use is it...it's the meaning of what should really is that brings one down when one uses it...should is of a definitive mind set...."I should", that's the end of the story (so to speak) isn't it!! My parents used should as "you will", and indirectly; "you are". i.e "you should brush your teeth now"....."you will go and do them right now", "you should do better at your studies", "therefore you will as you are better than that".... I think it was the fear resulting from the authoratarian stance taken that induced for me..as 'should' to deffinitive. Hence when I use it that's got to be the way it is...black and white thinking yet again. Things brings the offset...."procrastination"....should for me, I right now am seeing has brought about much procrastination by way of rebellion; it probably followed to become a bad habit, however I strongly feel it's origins were purely of a rebellious nature. Telling oneself one should pay the bills when one gets paid, one should vacuum, well "I'll be blowed cause I don't feel like doing that right now and hwo's going to make me?" hmmp!!!!

Interesting where one thing can lead right into another hey!...by procrastinating, we are then letting ourselves down...cause we already "know" that we "should" have done that. Letting ourselves down, failure, end result....an enormous kick up the rear for a perfectionist, therefore we are far less than!!! We failed, therefore we are, "I" am, the 'failure'. And isn't that the biggest kick of all time to a perfectionist...we "should not", therefore we "will not" fail, our self esteem drops to an all time low, our confidence is destroyed....boy oh boy aren't we so terrible. so not worthy. the amount of times I have booted my r/ship from here to the depths of blackness because I expected it to be just so, it had to be perfect, the way "I" percieve perfect of course!!!....and when it wasn't, it destroyed me and my perception of self and of course being the sick person I blamed the next person....it's all your fault..you didn't and you should have.....vicious circle!!!


Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval. ....I think this one is my biggy for perfectionism in my life these days....

I think I can accept and like the idea that I'm not perfect, wow it's got to take a lot of pressure off surely!!! And yep usually when we can accept that we are less than perfect and let others see that and ask for help; allow others to see we are actually human after all allows them to like us a whole lot more.