Withholding...Melody Beattie

[clean42day]

Withholding

Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a person
we're in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but we're not.
We're not available to participate in the relationship.

We shut down.

Sometimes, it is appropriate and healthy to shut down in a relationship.
We may legitimately need some time out. Sometimes it is self-defeating
to close ourselves off in a relationship.

To stop being vulnerable, honest, and present for another person can put
an end to the relationship. The other person can do nothing in the
relationship when we are gone. Closing ourselves makes us unavailable to
that relationship.

It is common to go through temporary periods of closing down in a
relationship. But it is unhealthy to make this an ongoing practice. It
may be one of our relationship sabotaging devices.

Before we close down, we need to ask ourselves what we are hoping to
accomplish by shuting down. Do we need some time to deal? To heal? To
grow? To sort through things? De we need time out from this
relationship? Or are we reverting to our old ways, hiding, running, and
terminating relationships because we are afraid we cannot take care of
ourselves in any other way?

Do we need to shut down because the other person truly isn't safe, is
manipulating, lying, or acting out addictively or abusively? Are we
shutting down because the other person has shut down and we no longer
want to be available?

Shutting down, shutting off, closing ourselves and removing our
emotional presence from a relationship is a powerful tool. We need to
use it carefully and responsibly. To achieve intimacy and closeness in a
relationship, we need to be present emotionally. We need to be
available. ....M.B.

[clean42day]

I learned this skill from my father the emotionally detached doctor. it was a coping skill he had to learn for his profession but he also practiced it at home. us kids intuitivley knew not to talk about feelings or emotions. we also knew that if we did, we would get the silent treatment, or shut out of his life. he also used withholding as a form of punishment. actually I think he was emotionally unavailable to himself also. it became a coping skill of avoidance that seemed to work for him.

no wonder I became so good at it myself.

The problem is it doesn't work anymore. In recovery I am learning to acknowledge my feelings, express them and be openly honest. being appropriate at all times?????? well that's another story. lets just say that I try not to hurt others with my feelings and keep my statements in the "I feel" boundaries instead of "you make me feel" blaming mode.

I don't have too many unhealthy or unbalanced relationships in my life anymore. I do at times have to deal with the "normie" relationships of where I live, but for the most part I do not have to withold to keep myself safe, more like I withhold, at times, to keep others safe from me.

I am not so sure if I actually withhold as much as I use to. There are those times when I simply do not have the emotional energy to spend with others, and choosing solitude is very different from avoidance or withholding.

avoidance is running....solitutde is being still. withholding to find solitude can be a good thing to gather energy, get a clearer perspective, process through emotions, and get centered again.

I do the best I can with what I have to work with at this stage of my development.

and I talk to God a lot these days.