Things My Sponsor Taught ME

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From the Book

Things My Sponsors Taught ME
By Paul H.

Copyright © 1987, Hazelden Foundation.

Introduction

On a rainy Tuesday night in May, about fifteen years ago, I met two men who changed – and saved – my life. Some might say it was an incredible stoke of fortune that I meet them. Those of us in Alcoholics Anonymous recognize that, as these two men told me, “Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous!”

The realistic, honest, and straightforward way they had of making sense out of the complex business of recovery was like a splash of cold water in my face—refreshing, jarring, but always to the point and always helpful. Their wisdom became integral to my recovery; it is still helping others, since I quote my first sponsor all the time. In fact, this book consists of quotes from my first sponsors, and a little commentary on their teachings. It seems right and proper to pass along their teachings to others who seek the help of the fellowship of A.A. and its self-help offspring, such as Narcotics Anonymous.

With gratitude and strong affection, this is dedicated to Harve F. and Bob M. “Thanks, guys!” seems tame, but you know I mean it as much as anything I’ve ever said in my life.

ABOUT ALCOHOLICS ANNONYMOUS

On the Purpose of A.A.

A.A. is for people who don’t want to drink anymore. It’s not for people who want to control it or learn to hold it better, but for those who just don’t want to drink at all anymore.

There are several things to notice in this quotation. First, it says nothing about alcoholics or alcoholism. I am an “alcoholic,” but A.A. wouldn’t refuse me if the word was too much for me to say. Second, A.A. is not for those who wish to cut down, change brands, or drink like ladies or gentlemen. A. A. is for those who want to stop. A final note is about the word “want”. Millions of alcoholics and alcohol abusers need to stop, but only those who want to stop will be helped by A.A.


Please share your Experience, Strength, and Hope

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On Rules and A.A.

There are no “must” in A.A., but there are a lot of “you darned well betters.”

All the literature and traditions of the fellowship of A.A. are gentle, nonjudgmental, and persuasive. There aren’t any must. There are no “Thou shalt nots” in the A.A. Big Book or the Twelve and Twelve. A.A. members and A.A. groups are free to do as they wish. A.A., which is more than 50 years old, is a distillation of the experiences, good and bad, of millions of people. So when the wisdom of A.A or the group conscience recommends not doing something or not going somewhere, you are well advised not to do it or not to go there. It is worthwhile listening to the fellowship, because there is no problem, no situation, and no feeling you may experience that many people before you haven’t already experienced and survived sober. “Stick with the winners” remains very good advice, even if what the winners do doesn’t quite seem to be your cup of tea at the moment.

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On the Nature of A.A.

This is a “Save-Your-Ass” program, not a “Save-Your-Soul” Program; we’re concerned with the here-and-now, not the Hereafter.

A.A. does not put down alcoholics. After all, we are dealing with people just like ourselves. Programs traditionally associated with a more moralistic view toward alcoholism – often with a specifically religious orientation – emphasize reformation of a sinner for the soul’s good. The alcoholic in crisis has a lousy self-image, and being prayed over usually accentuates this.

A.A. – being formed by, of , and for alcoholics – has a different view of things. We aren’t against religion; we merely recognize that religion, of itself, is not a part of recovery.

We must feel this way or else an alcoholic who lacks religion must either become religious or be rejected. We alcoholics know rejection; we aren’t going to practice it on our own kind.

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On Alternatives to A.A. for the Alcoholic

Death if you’re lucky, insanity if you’re not—take your pick.

To some people, this must seem heartless. Actually, it is heartfelt, because it is nothing less than the simple truth. In most cases, an alcoholic has only three alternatives: death, insanity, or abstinence. There are some who have learned to live without alcohol and without the fellowship of A.A. There are reputed to be a few who have learned how to go back to “normal drinking.” There aren’t, however, many in either category. As my sponsors said, “Before you go out to try it alone, consider the consequences if you gamble that you can make it on your own and find out you’re wrong!”

A.A. treats alcoholism as a progressive, irreversible, and terminal disease. Therefore, in A.A.’s way of thinking, the alcoholic can never return to social drinking, because the alcoholic can recover from alcoholism but cannot be cured.

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ABOUT JOINING ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS:

WHY AND HOW

On Reasons for Joining A.A.

People who come to A.A. for anyone but themselves are trying to swim with concrete flippers—it can be done, but it’s a whole lot more difficult than it needs to be.

Again and again, we see people who have come to A.A. because of their wives, husbands, bosses, judges, and so on. Unless these folks come to terms with their denial and compliance (for example, “I’ll agree to anything, if you’ll only shut up!”), they have less than average chances of success, If I’m not in A.A. to save my own fanny, I will most likely not get better.

I had a friend who sobered up the first time for her job; when she retired, she got drunk. She sobered up again, this time for her husband. But he died. And then so did she.

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On Giving A.A. a Try

Try us for 90 day; if you’re not satisfied, we’ll refund all your miseries.

I didn’t believe them when they told me this. I was an “almost” alcoholic – almost divorced, almost fired, almost jailed, and almost killed. When I came to the program, life was just about intolerable. To an alcoholic, “intolerable” means “I’m having thoughts of suicide.” The A.A. people said “Go to 90 meetings in 90 days.” Because one of them was nearly always with me—either on the phone, at my doorstep, or riding with me on the commuter train—I did go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

After spending only 90 days in the fellowship of A.A. my life was a mess—it still is! With seven children, grandchildren, and assorted animals, my wife and I live in a soap opera. To tell the truth, we probably prefer it that way. But thoughts of suicide are gone. Some of the wounds in my family are healing. I’m acting like normal people do, getting up and going to work and even doing a good job. I sleep well at night. I eat like a pig. And, at the same time, I’ve lost around 30 pounds. My miseries have pretty much gone away—nothing dramatic, they’ve just gone away. And they haven’t been back, either!

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On Joining and Quitting A.A.

You join A.A. by going to meetings; you quit by taking a drink.

My first sponsors were hard-noses. They did not fool around with their recovery programs. One of the A.A. slogans they didn’t invent but would have if someone else hadn’t beat them to it is: “Keep it simple, stupid,” also known as the KISS system. If you’re attending A.A. meetings and you’re still drinking, you haven’t joined yet. You quit A.A. when you pick up the glass because A.A. members don’t drink. Not at all. Simple, isn’t it?

You may be thinking that you’re an alcoholic who has learned to drink socially. My first sponsors told me about a practice in many A.A. clubhouse of having an empty picture frame on the wall, inscribed. “Reserved for the first A.A. member to successfully return to social drinking.” No one has ever asked to have his or her picture hung in that frame!

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On Insurance

You go to A.A. meeting for the same reasons you have insurance, for protection when you need it—and you would be in a hell of a place without it.

By this reasoning, A.A. meetings may be seen as premium payments. There are times when we have nothing within ourselves to withstand the temptation do drink. That’s why we have the insurance policy we acquire when we belong to A.A. and go to meetings regularly. I can remember my sponsor telling me that you can tell an A.A. member by his wallet or her purse full of phone numbers. Now that my won wallet has burst form being overstuffed with phone numbers, I understand the concept of A.A. as insurance.

The temptations we face as recovering alcoholics are often quite easy to overcome. But we never know when a temptation will come along that’s too much for us to handle alone. The cost of not being able to handle a temptation may to too high. A.A.’s position is that we can’t afford to let our God given insurance lapse, because we never know if we’ll receive the grace period to reinstate it. As my sponsors said, “We all have another drunk left in us; we don’t know whether we have another recovery in us.”

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On Having an A.A. “Birthday”

Congratulations, but you really ought to know

that the Nth year is the dangerous one.

The “Nth year” is this year. The message is that the dangerous year of sobriety is the present. Years past are either successful or otherwise, and years to come aren’t here yet. There is a rather somber aspect to this quote, or at least it seemed so to me when I first heard it. My sponsor was having a meeting at his house in observation of his eleventh A.A. birthday. His sponsor, who at the time was 23 years sober, made the quote. I had less than a year of sobriety at the time, and it bothered me to think that the potential for relapse would exist as long as 23 years.

From my present vantage point, with about fifteen years under my belt, it is sobering to realize that my recovery is an ongoing process that can be interrupted anytime I pick up a drink, no matter how many years I may have with the A.A. program. I don’t worry about this a lot, but I do spend some time on each of my A.A. birthdays remembering that the key word for me is “recovering,” not “recovered.”

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ABOUT ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETINGS:

WHEN AND HOW MANY

On Going to Meetings (#1)

Nobody ever got drunk from going to A.A. meetings.

Obviously, the first benefit of going to A.A. meetings is that they keep one from drinking—at least for the period during the meeting. What my sponsors meant by their remark, I think, is more subtle. The act of going to an A.A. meeting is a form of commitment to A.A. and has a time value beyond the actual evening of the meeting. Even more than a time value, this commitment to A.A. is a commitment to what A.A. stands for, which is not drinking. That’s why the common response to many alcoholics’ complaints is, “Go to a meeting!”

Meetings have a wonderful therapeutic value. The day could be stormy, full of doubts and frustrated emotions, but going to meetings helps to hasten serenity. Do you have a problem with your recovery program? Take it to a meeting and let the group conscience work on it for a while, and you’ll be surprised and helped by the results.

If you’re in doubt about whether you should go to a meeting, resolve the question on the side of caution, and go. At least 99.9 percent of the time, it’s the right decision.