If You Want What We Have

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From the Book

If You Want What We Have:
Sponsorship Meditations
By Joan Larkin

©1998 Joan Larkin

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Whatever happens at all happens as it should.
Marcus Aurelius Antonius

New Comer
I came to this meeting, but I don’t know if I belong here. I just don’t know.

Sponsor
We have a saying: “Nobody gets here by mistake.”

For many of us, this means that something inside us knows we need help and that we’re in the process of becoming willing to accept it. Some of us are drawn here thinking, at first, that we’ve come because of someone else’s problems; then we discover that we’ve also come for ourselves. Some of us sense immediately that we belong here; some come to this feeling over time; some never feel they belong. Our arriving at the first meeting can seem mysterious until we realize how unlikely it is for a person with no relationship to addiction whatsoever to show up here.

Since you can’t decide whether you belong her or not, why not stay? Consider it a gift that’s been offered you, a chance to explore your relationship to addiction. You are entitled to be here. The only “qualification” for membership is a desire to quit our addictive substance or behavior. Unless you casuse a disruption, no one’s going to ask you to leave a meeting. Relax, sit back, and listen. See if you identify with any of the feelings that you hear people share, whether or not their specific life experiences mirror yours. If you keep coming, more will be revealed in time.

Today, I am where I’m supposed to be.

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We know the truth, not only by the reason, but by the heart.

Blaise Pascla

Newcomer

I’m not sure I qualify to be in this program. I wasn’t that bad – I hear stories that are so much worse than mine.

Sponsor

There’s a joke about a group of friends standing at their drinking buddy’s graveside with his widow, all of them shaking heir heads and saying, “I don’t understand it – he wasn’t that bad.”

Who qualifies for a Twelve Step program? The answer doesn’t lie simple in the quantities of a substance consumed or in the frequency of an unwanted behavior. More telling is whether or not we have a choice. It’s useful to make a list of times we remember using in spite of intention not to and a list of times when using took us places we never meant to go, made us do things we never meant to do. Perhaps we’ll recall many such situations, perhaps only a few. The number is less important that our willingness to look back at our memories, and the feelings accompanying them, without censoring ourselves. Something inside us brought us here; it’s up to each of us to take an honest look at what that was.

Today, I look honestly at times when I have been powerless over this addiction. I acknowledge the ways it has made my life unmanageable.

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A man takes a drink, the drink takes another, and the drink takes the man.

Sinclair Lewis

Newcomer

I’ve heard Alcoholics Anonymous members say, “It’s the first drink that gets you drunk,” and Overeaters Anonymous members say, “Don’t take that first compulsive bite.” It seems a little extreme. Don’t Twelve Step programs allow for the possibility of doing things in moderation?

Sponsor

There are numerous stories of addicted people who started with the idea that they’d have “just one” of whatever it was. Hours, days, or weeks later, they were still in the middle of a binge. Most of us, when we were active in our addictions, promised ourselves repeatedly that we’d be moderate, though we’d already accumulated plenty of evidence that we lacked the desire and the capacity for moderation. One we started using, no matter how seemingly insignificant the beginning, we were under the control of our addiction. We experienced a craving that no quantity of a drug or repetition of and additive behavior could satisfy.

There are people on this planet who leave wine unfinished in their glasses and food uneaten on their plates. There are people who can do in moderation what people filling the seats at meetings couldn’t stop doing, once they started. But we are not those people. If we’ve suffered from an addiction enough to come here for treatment, why would we want to keep playing with denial?

Today, I’m strengthened by accepting my need to take special measures to protect my health and recovery.

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Later is now.

Roseanne Barr

Newcomer

I guess I do have some addiction problems, but right now is a terrible time for me. I know you’d like me to be more involved, use the program more, but I need time—there’s something else I have to deal with first. I’ve tried talking about it at meetings, but no one really has much understanding of my particular problem.

Sponsor

I do respect the fact that there are pressing problems in your life and that you are going to have to face them. Addiction is, in one sense, a response to underlying issues we all have to deal with. And in addition to our inner problems, many of us enter recovery in the midst of some crisis—serious illness, separation, overdue taxes, even homelessness are situations some of us have had to face while newly recovering. I agree that your problems are real ones. But putting off recovery is not likely to help you with them. It may make things worse.

While I may not be able to help with the specifics of your situation, I can be here to share my experience, strength, and hope as a person in recovery. Recovery is the foundation of my life today. I make it my highest priority, and as time goes on I find the help and strength I need to resolve everything else I have to deal with. If you, too, have the willingness to face your addiction and show up for your recovery, I’m willing to be here.

Today, I let go of all obstacles to recovery.

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Life is not made up of yesterdays only.

Carl Jung

Newcomer

I heard a bunch of jargon at the meeting I went to last night. I didn’t understand any of it. What does “ninety in ninety” mean?

Sponsor

I can understand your bewilderment at unfamiliar program phrases and customs. In the beginning, it may feel as if we’re participating in a culture that’s new to us. I’m glad I can help, and if I’m not here to translate, almost anyone you see at a meeting would be happy to explain unfamiliar expressions.

“Ninety in ninety” is an abbreviated way of saying, “Go to ninety meetings in ninety day.” One of the strongest suggestions this program makes to newcomers is to attend a meeting every day for at least the first three months. Intermittent attendance, a few meetings here or there, won’t provide enough information about whether we belong here or not. Ninety days of meetings can make it clear.

At first, it may sound like a lot. But when we think of the time we have given to our addiction—pursuing it, trying to control it, acting on it, feeling sick and guilty about it—then an hour or an hour and a half doesn’t seem like too much of a commitment. Meetings create a sense of belonging to a community and a solid basis of support over time. It’s such a good use of time; and hour in a room with my peers gives me a reserve of strength and hope for an entire day.

Today, I am part of a community of people in recovery.

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It’s not what you were, it’s what you are today.

Newcomer

I get the general idea of “ninety meeting in ninety days.” But aren’t there any exceptions? Some days, like on the weekends, I have time to go to more than one, but later in the week, when I’m exhausted from work, I’d sometimes rather go to a movie or go to bed early.

Sponsor

No one takes attendance; no one expects perfection. But why deprive yourself? In this program, we stay away from addiction a day at a time. At the beginning of recovery, especially if we’re going through a process of detoxification, twenty-four hours can seem endless. Going through a whole day of early recovery on our own may be bewildering and anxiety-producing. Why “white-knuckle it” when help is available at a meeting?

Anticipating a meeting at the lunch hour or at the end of a workday gives me a kind of safety net. Knowing throughout the day that I’m headed for a place where recovery is the top priority can help me through hard moments—I anticipate the meeting, instead of my preferred drug or compulsive behavior. Some of us prefer to begin the day with an early-morning meeting that helps us face the hours ahead calmly.

Each new day offers us new challenges, new opportunities for our addictions to flex their muscles. Going to a meeting can strengthen our spirits and help ensure our continuing recovery.

Today, I further my recovery by going to a meeting.

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Fortunately, time, rather than intelligence or study, eventually helps us see the other side of things.

Newcomer

I don’t think these meetings do enough. Some people come in with their health in terrible shape. Someone should be evaluating them! I think I should be getting vitamin B shots. I’m angry that such important things are being ignored.

Sponsor

You may very well need extra vitamins; nutrition sounds like something you might be ready to look into. You may want to see a doctor, a nutritionist, or both. I support you in your desire to get help with the ways you have neglected your health. And I understand that you feel angry at not being taken care of.

One reason that this program works for me is that it respects my decision to seek help, if and when I choose to, from the people and institutions I trust. It doesn’t get into the business of dispensing medical advice, diets, vitamins, or exercise plans, any more than it tells me where to pray, how to earn a living, or whom to vote for. The group doesn’t hire experts to come tell us how to run our lives, and we don’t have to be covered by insurance to come to a meeting. Each of us here is an expert on just one thing; our own experience of addiction and recovery. You might say that we’re specialists!

Today, I appreciate the gift of my experience. I add one new thing to my knowledge of how to take care of my health—physical, mental, and spiritual.

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…that they may solve their common problem…

ALCOHOLICSANNONYMOUS PREAMBLE

Newcomer

When they say we’re here to solve our common problems, I’m really put off. Adults should be able to handle their problems on their own, shouldn’t they?

Sponsor

We don’t go to meetings to solve our “problems” but rather our “problem”—singular. Meeting address the problem none of us could solve on our own; the disease of addiction.

I can identify with your discomfort at the thought of accepting help from a group of people. I’ve always wanted to think of myself as independent. Talking about what’s bothering me feels like I’m risking my pride, my privacy, and my autonomy.

Deep down, though, I care a great deal about what other people think of me. I’m afraid that if they really get to know me, they’ll find out I’m not good enough. I’m afraid they’ll want more from me than I’m capable of giving. I’d rather believe that I don’t need others than risk being challenged or let down by them.

I’m not alone in having these fears and resentments of others. Most of us who’ve resorted to addictive substances or behaviors have problems in our relationships with other people.

When, through the help of other recovering people, we solve our common problem of addiction, we become truly independent. We’re free of our deadly attachment to a drug. We’re free to acknowledge our connections with other human beings.

Today, I add the word “help” to my vocabulary.

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…that they may solve their common problem…

ALCOHOLICSANNONYMOUS PREAMBLE

Newcomer

When they say we’re here to solve our common problems, I’m really put off. Adults should be able to handle their problems on their own, shouldn’t they?

Sponsor

We don’t go to meetings to solve our “problems” but rather our “problem”—singular. Meeting address the problem none of us could solve on our own; the disease of addiction.

I can identify with your discomfort at the thought of accepting help from a group of people. I’ve always wanted to think of myself as independent. Talking about what’s bothering me feels like I’m risking my pride, my privacy, and my autonomy.

Deep down, though, I care a great deal about what other people think of me. I’m afraid that if they really get to know me, they’ll find out I’m not good enough. I’m afraid they’ll want more from me than I’m capable of giving. I’d rather believe that I don’t need others than risk being challenged or let down by them.

I’m not alone in having these fears and resentments of others. Most of us who’ve resorted to addictive substances or behaviors have problems in our relationships with other people.

When, through the help of other recovering people, we solve our common problem of addiction, we become truly independent. We’re free of our deadly attachment to a drug. We’re free to acknowledge our connections with other human beings.

Today, I add the word “help” to my vocabulary.

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