Extreme co-dependancy

[andre]

I just spent the last year in a terrible relationship.
On the surface, at least for the first few months everything seemed perfect but then it all started falling apart.
I had never heard the phrase co-dependancy before I joined a small spiritual group and in the opening circle I kept hearing it being mentioned so I looked into it and lo and behold I realsied I was in a very dysfunctional relationship.
I tried so hard to understand it all and to save our relationship but we were as bad as each other at letting go.
We carried on sleeping with each other for months after splitting up and had so many tearful goodbyesthat I couldnt bare it any more.
In the end I had to be cruel to myself and ask her to stop contacting me.
This is as close as we've ever been to achieving that right now as I seem to have finally got through to her.
She has a terrible time moving on and keeps contacting me when she feels low, which just drags me straight back into feeling broken hearted.
I have begun the painful process of getting over it so many times only to have her contact me again.
I have been very decisive this time and hopefully I won't hear from her anymore.
It has been the most exhausting year of my life,
realising just how damaged I am and dealing with someone equally damaged (but who refuses to accept any responsibilty)
at the same time.

[Booky]

Originally Posted by andre

I just spent the last year in a terrible relationship.
On the surface, at least for the first few months everything seemed perfect but then it all started falling apart.
I had never heard the phrase co-dependancy before I joined a small spiritual group and in the opening circle I kept hearing it being mentioned so I looked into it and lo and behold I realsied I was in a very dysfunctional relationship.
I tried so hard to understand it all and to save our relationship but we were as bad as each other at letting go.
We carried on sleeping with each other for months after splitting up and had so many tearful goodbyesthat I couldnt bare it any more.
In the end I had to be cruel to myself and ask her to stop contacting me.
This is as close as we've ever been to achieving that right now as I seem to have finally got through to her.
She has a terrible time moving on and keeps contacting me when she feels low, which just drags me straight back into feeling broken hearted.
I have begun the painful process of getting over it so many times only to have her contact me again.
I have been very decisive this time and hopefully I won't hear from her anymore.
It has been the most exhausting year of my life,
realising just how damaged I am and dealing with someone equally damaged (but who refuses to accept any responsibilty)
at the same time.

Well I could be wrong - but I can not help feeling sorry for the woman.

Why must you break up?

If you make healthy boundaries link HERE then there is no reason for you AND SHE to get better together.

I have broke up many times in the past and now I live alone and lonely, and so now I do not approve of breaking up unless there is some really big reason for it.

You already slept with the woman so it is not just casual. And if she needs help then you need to help her.

[andre]

Originally Posted by Booky

Well I could be wrong - but I can not help feeling sorry for the woman.

Why must you break up?

If you make healthy boundaries link HERE then there is no reason for you AND SHE to get better together.

I have broke up many times in the past and now I live alone and lonely, and so now I do not approve of breaking up unless there is some really big reason for it.

You already slept with the woman so it is not just casual. And if she needs help then you need to help her.

I totally agree with you. I loved her so much and I still feel like I do at times. I really wanted to stay together and heal together but she never admitted she had any problems and spent the whole time accusing me of my faults.
It was really sad and frustrating to see so much denial in someone who so obviously needed help.
I know that she's looking for her next relationship now, hoping to find the perfect man who will put it all right for her.
Like I said though it was extremly co dependant. She used to tell me she wanted to kill herself all the time and her influence on me was that I wanted to kill myself too. it was a very unhealthy relationship.

[clean42day]

toxic love is never the right thing to keep together.....it is only something to learn from in retrospect.

I think you made the healthiest choice you could have for yourself and for your life.

don't loose the lessons and move forward.

good luck and God bless

light and love

gail

[ShondraNicole]

Andre, I can relate to everything you have said. What you went through is what my ex and I have just got done going through. We too dated for a year, on and off. Every break up was harder..and neverlasted, and our problems Kept getting worse. We both have weak boundries, and they got more and more laxed as we went on. We werent dating but "talking" rather, which means dating without a title, and everything thats incompassed in dating we did.. We both realized that this is not healthy for either one of us, and for the last two weeks we have had a more friend base relationship. To compound things, which should make things easier for me, but my codependency is holding on so strong, is that he had been cheating on me with my best friend, and has went back in forth between her and I constantly. Even to this day he continues to say "there is a part of me that wants her and a part of me that wants you.." That type of honesty is the type I wish to never get..
The thing that has to happen for us, I know is to just not date. I want to save him and be the best for him so when he makes up his mind we can have the relationship i think we should..
but its not healthy..

maybe one day it will happen, but we both arent in a healthy spot, and the worse thing i can do is wait around till he gets better.
Took over a year to just think of the idea of stopping this horrible cycle..
Im on step one as of two days ago..i have a long road to go...

[andre]

Originally Posted by ShondraNicole

Andre, I can relate to everything you have said. What you went through is what my ex and I have just got done going through. We too dated for a year, on and off. Every break up was harder..and neverlasted, and our problems Kept getting worse. We both have weak boundries, and they got more and more laxed as we went on. We werent dating but "talking" rather, which means dating without a title, and everything thats incompassed in dating we did.. We both realized that this is not healthy for either one of us, and for the last two weeks we have had a more friend base relationship. To compound things, which should make things easier for me, but my codependency is holding on so strong, is that he had been cheating on me with my best friend, and has went back in forth between her and I constantly. Even to this day he continues to say "there is a part of me that wants her and a part of me that wants you.." That type of honesty is the type I wish to never get..
The thing that has to happen for us, I know is to just not date. I want to save him and be the best for him so when he makes up his mind we can have the relationship i think we should..
but its not healthy..

maybe one day it will happen, but we both arent in a healthy spot, and the worse thing i can do is wait around till he gets better.
Took over a year to just think of the idea of stopping this horrible cycle..
Im on step one as of two days ago..i have a long road to go...

Sorry I haven't been online for months to be able to answer.
I think these kind of relationships are a lot more common than we think.
I've been seeing a therapist on and off this year though and made some good progress into understanding all my behaviour.
As for my relationship, it almost reignited again a few months ago but I think it has finally died a death.
The co dependant part of me still wishes it was going on but the rest is breathing a sigh of relief.
The therapy has made me take a big step back though and for now I'm single and not feeling like I need someone. Knowing that I dont need someone in fact, until I get a much better understanding of who I am.

[notsure]

Hi Andre,
just wanted to give you some encouragement! I think these kind of relationships are not all that uncommon also, and are the result of two people not being able to solve a problem in the relationship but still liking each other and wanting to be with each other. But for a relationship to grow and blossom you do need to have two people in it ready and willing to learn about each other and learn how to be together in a happy way for both. The constant breaking up really is exhausting emotionally and if nothing is ever resolved it just continues on that way with uncertainty and no commitment. Ugh! I've been there, I think everyone has at some stage. In my experience the longer it goes on the more you get hurt. I think you did the right thing but I know it's hard