Dealing With Anger

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Since Al and I started talking in his "12 Steps" thread, I've had several people asking me about anger. I decided it's worth a separate thread, given this recent post from CleverCelt:

Originally Posted by CleverCelt

Thank you Mike

I've been sober awhile and thought I had this anger thing under CONTROL. Just because I wasn't showing anger in tense situations I thought I was Growing (up). What I have recently realized is that I have chosen not to deal with things that might create conflict. I have not been dealing with anger I have been deflecting it. It's the same feeling I get when I know I am avoiding a problem instead of solving it. This attitude has created some uncomfortable circumstances for me as you can imagine.

When I was young in recovery I enjoyed the dramatic changes and could truly feel myself growing and recovering. Today the changes are subtle that I have trouble appreciating them.

Your thoughts would be appreciated!

Well, my first thought is, all communication is either an expression of love, or a cry for help. So if that's the case, I'm looking at your post and deciding you'd like some help.

What you are looking for I'm not quite sure yet, so I wanted to start this thread to give you, me, and anyone else who is interested a chance to explore this really important topic.

My second thought is, GOD THIS IS A REALLY HUGE topic, especially for alcoholics and other people struggling with control. I say that because all anger is rooted in fear, all fear can be traced back to uncertainty, and quite often the way people try to get certainty, is by trying to be in control.

And for me that thought is pretty easily dismissed because I am "comfortable being uncomfortable." Not sure how much sense that makes to anybody else, but you asked for my thoughts.

Is there a specific question that you had, CC? Or what are your thoughts on the subject?


Mike Highstead

Free online workshop to manage thoughts, feelings & behavior

[CleverCelt]

"comfortable being uncomfortable." Not sure how much sense that makes to anybody else, but you asked for my thoughts.




Mike

You do make sense to me. I know I can become acclimated to uncomfortable conditions or situations. I feel it could be detrimental to my recovery if I stay there.

I agree with you ANGER is a huge topic but it has been very important one for me. The anger I feel today is much different yet exactly the same as when I was active. The circumstances are different but the effect on me is the same. I believe "Fear is the by product of Lack of Faith". I truly thought that my Faith has come along way in the past couple of years.

Most times I feel like I get angry because I am not getting what I think I deserve. ( I have Entitlement issues also ). I start to feel shameful and embarrassed that I am not working my program and that starts a vicious circle.( Cycle ). I feel with the time I have in this program I should further then this. ( Frustration ).

Your thoughts are appreciated.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Originally Posted by CleverCelt

...The anger I feel today is much different yet exactly the same as when I was active. The circumstances are different but the effect on me is the same. I believe "Fear is the by product of Lack of Faith". I truly thought that my Faith has come along way in the past couple of years.

Most times I feel like I get angry because I am not getting what I think I deserve. ( I have Entitlement issues also ). I start to feel shameful and embarrassed that I am not working my program and that starts a vicious circle.( Cycle ). I feel with the time I have in this program I should further then this. ( Frustration ).

Your thoughts are appreciated.

CC,

I've got two tough questions for you:

1. In this case, it sounds like your questions of entitlement, shame, embarrassment, and faith are all about the same thing. What might all those things have in common for you?

2. Let's say you're at a party and you have just met a guy named Bob. To you, Bob seems really bright. He's smart, kind, articulate...but one of the first things out of his mouth, is that he tells you he has "Entitlement issues".

Of all the things to say to a person he just met, what do you think Bob gets out of believing he has "Entitlement issues", or what might be his unconscious motivation for telling people that?

[CleverCelt]

Originally Posted by alcoholrehabcoach

CC,

I've got two tough questions for you:

1. In this case, it sounds like your questions of entitlement, shame, embarrassment, and faith are all about the same thing. What might all those things have in common for you?

2. Let's say you're at a party and you have just met a guy named Bob. To you, Bob seems really bright. He's smart, kind, articulate...but one of the first things out of his mouth, is that he tells you he has "Entitlement issues".

Of all the things to say to a person he just met, what do you think Bob gets out of believing he has "Entitlement issues", or what might be his unconscious motivation for telling people that?

Mike

I agree with you they are tough questions. I want to try to answer them.

First, I think that the questions of entitlement, shame, embarrassment, and faith maybe an attempt to excuse myself for not being more comfortable in my recovery. What I think you are getting to is that I am taking my will back and not turning my will and life over to the care of my higher power.

It's amazing thing's seem so much clearer when I read what I am Posting!

Secondly, I truly feel for our friend Bob. These entitlement issues seem to be that I am not accepting my higher powers will for me. I have convinced myself that I should be more comfortable or balanced in recovery. I should not be having problems keeping a job for more then a couple of months. I should be able to feel joyful about being in a relationship.

What came to mind while I was reading this is maybe I have a "Fear of Success". I seem to sabotaging myself.

Mike thanks for your time I feel like I have gotten more out of talking to you today then the two meetings I went to!

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Happy to be of help!

Next thing I'd suggest is to immediately take some kind of action that will help establish this new awareness, and then continue taking supportive actions to reinforce or condition it over time.

Let me know how you do with that, or if there's anything else I can do.


Mike

[Deeters]

I posted this last week and Mary responded, thank you Mary. I would like to know if we submit a question, and it's been many days, no private response received, how do we go back to find out if anyone else gave their feelings on an issue. I'm still new to this site.

Thank you to anyone who can direct me.

I need help understanding something. All of my life I've had jobs that have entailed working with people, answering the phone, receptionist, whatever. I have hated every job because it's working with people. Since becoming an alcoholic and dealing with issues in my personal life, I have beeen able to fake that I enjoy working with people, but I actually and I hate to use the term "hate", but I do hate working with people. I've never understood why and I need to understand now.

I've been working with the state for 10 years answering phones and of course, processing paperwork. I had a terrible manager for 8 of those years who made my life a living hell. Then I finally got a great manager who is understanding and has tried to work with me.

When I'm in the middle of stress, my stress comes out in my tone of voice. I've tried to act happy, but I'm not and never have been. It's like the devil takes over sometimes and I just want to reach through the phone and say "Don't you have any common sense? You don't now what to put for a business name on an application? You don't know what 5 years of work history means? You want us to make your lack of planning our/my emergency?

The low down is insurance agents have 2 years to complete continuing education. They only have 24 hours to take and about 400 of them lose their forms and wait until the last minute to complete their education. Or I explain the entire process to find someone has been on their &*$(% cell phone and didn't write a thing down and I wasted time and my breath to answer something they had no intention of being responsible and calling from a land line to write down the information.

I've been to personnel several times because someone complained about my tone. Yet, I have and continue to go out of my way to help a lot of people which is never seen or heard. It's only that one dumb mother (#)D( who complains and then I'm in trouble again.

After I relapsed over a week ago and wanted to end everything, I've struggled with the desire to drink and/or end it because I feel guilty that I don't appreciate what I have and just wish God would take me. I pray for death every day instead of appreciating the life I have.

Can anyone tell me why my whole life I have hated working with people? I can type 100 wpm, and have other great skills that have carried me through, so I always have ended up in people jobs.

Why does it bother me when people are so stupid as to not read something and follow directions rather than calling us and wanting us to hold their hand and do it for them? Why does it bother me that I have to get the same person again on the phone after I've spent considerable amount of time explaining what they need to do?

Is it ego? What is it? I got called on it again yesterday (my attitude to a caller that was a dumb as a door nail and I mean she has not business being an insurance agent if she can't fill out a simple form). I transferred her to my lead worker because I could feel myself getting aggitated.

I have to have an answer as to what is wrong with me that I hate this job and having to work with people? I'm not a selfish person unless I'm in the middle of my own s...t. I have been unable to separate the 2.

Please give me your insight into this. There is no other job I can do at this time in my life. I feel so sick that so many people would give anything to have my job. All of my coworkers except one, just have a good time repeating themselves all day, having the phone ring one call after the other, they don't let it get to them.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I am not going to lie, I still wish God would take me and relieve me of the guilt I have for not appreciating what I have.

What is wrong with me?

Thank you to anyone who can help me figure this out or who experiences similar things.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Originally Posted by Deeters

I need help understanding something...I hate working with people. I've never understood why and I need to understand now.

...I feel guilty that I don't appreciate what I have and just wish God would take me. I pray for death every day instead of appreciating the life I have.

Can anyone tell me why my whole life I have hated working with people?

I have to have an answer as to what is wrong with me that I hate this job and having to work with people?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I am not going to lie, I still wish God would take me and relieve me of the guilt I have for not appreciating what I have.

What is wrong with me?

Deeters,

Yes, I got your private message but have been away on vacation the past couple of weeks. So let's see if I can offer you some insight.

First, your focus totally sucks.

The quality of our lives is determined by the quality of the questions we ask. And our questions direct our focus.

So what happens when you ask a question like "What's wrong with me?" You end up getting answers to your question! You get to hear about all kinds of things that are wrong with you! You end up getting all kind of answers that make you feel like sh*t! You get answers that make you feel angry and upset!

And then the way that you are feeling determines the way you act, and the quality of results you get.

So let me ask you this: What are some of the BENEFITS of getting angry?

[Deeters]

Thanks for telling me the way it is Mike. Have a wonderful day!