Mike...am I being judgmental? - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

justaskin · 12-01-2008, 06:08 PM

Hi Mike, I am new to this forum and need some feedback. I am a grateful 43 yr old female that has been clean/sober for 3 yrs and 28 days.

My 21 yr old niece (my sister's daughter) is returning willingly to rehab (meth is her drug of choice) for her second time but she is now a mother of 1 year old son. She had a 5 day wait period before entering rehab and last Friday she asked if I would go to an NA meeting w/ her for support, I said "of course". At about a half hour before I was supposed to pick her up, she called and asked if I would meet her at the meeting location because she was going to drive two (guy) friends who needed a ride to the meeting. I felt an immediate uneasiness and asked if these two friends were the guys she used meth (her dealers) with and she said yes but they both have at least 60 days sober, and that they were staying sober as a team. I asked if they were court ordered to attend or are they going willingly, she said they were court ordered. I told her that I felt uncomfortable with her decision and I think she should detach or stay away from these associations and find another meeting.

She thinks these guys are so cool and they know her like no one else and that I am the one that is being judgmental and closed minded. I sent an email to me sister w/ my explanation and concern. She said that indeed she and my Niece were disappointed that I would be closed minded and judge her by not going to the meeting because those guys were attending too.

Is it me?

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

*alcoholrehabcoach* · 12-01-2008, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justaskin

...she asked if I would go to an NA meeting w/ her for support, I said "of course".

Justaskin,

Your sister is blessed to have someone like you who cares.

In answer to your questions, we all have to make decisions. We all have to make our own assessments given the information that we have. And yes, we must all use our own judgement to do what we think is best.

If your outcome is to support your sister, then as well as letting your views be known, why not ask her how she feels that you can best support her?

Doesn't mean you have to compromise yourself in any way. If someone I loved came to me for help, I wouldn't give a dam* who else might happen to be in the way. And if that person I loved was hanging around with people I was concerned about, to me that sounds like all the more reason I should be right there by her side.

Now my question is, are you writing to support your sister, or are you writing to see if you're a judgmental kind of person?

(I'm not judging you

, I just want to be clear about what you're after.)

justaskin · 12-01-2008, 07:27 PM

Me again Mike - to be more clear w/ my question:

1. Was I being judgemental and non-supportive with my decision not to attend a meeting w/ my Niece because her (ex) drug dealers would be there. These are two men that (very recently) kept giving her meth w/o paying for it and then got busted and are now required to attend NA meetings. She only wants to go to the meetings they are at and says they need her for support and transportation.

I scoured the 'Big Book' and the only reference is 'the addict/alcholoic needs to change persons, places and things' or to disassociate from the old ways and create new paths to a more healthy recovery.

Both my sister and my niece think I am closed minded and judgmental for thinking it is wrong for her to be attending meetings w/ these close male friends she used with just months ago.

*alcoholrehabcoach* · 12-01-2008, 08:36 PM

The way I see it, you simply took a stand on something you believed in.

Now whether that was the "right" or "wrong" thing for you to do, well that is clearly why you are struggling with the whole idea of passing judgment. Or being judged by others.

So what I will tell you is, what I or anyone else thinks about whether or not you are a judgmental kind of person...that really doesn't matter.

What matters is, do you?

Of course, as you and I both know, "being judgmental" is something you are concerned about, not only in this example, but in other areas as well.

So let me ask you this. What does being judgmental mean to YOU?

Tell me your definition and I'll show why you're struggling.

12-01-2008, 06:08 PM	#1
justaskin Newcomer Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 2	Mike...am I being judgmental? Hi Mike, I am new to this forum and need some feedback. I am a grateful 43 yr old female that has been clean/sober for 3 yrs and 28 days. My 21 yr old niece (my sister's daughter) is returning willingly to rehab (meth is her drug of choice) for her second time but she is now a mother of 1 year old son. She had a 5 day wait period before entering rehab and last Friday she asked if I would go to an NA meeting w/ her for support, I said "of course". At about a half hour before I was supposed to pick her up, she called and asked if I would meet her at the meeting location because she was going to drive two (guy) friends who needed a ride to the meeting. I felt an immediate uneasiness and asked if these two friends were the guys she used meth (her dealers) with and she said yes but they both have at least 60 days sober, and that they were staying sober as a team. I asked if they were court ordered to attend or are they going willingly, she said they were court ordered. I told her that I felt uncomfortable with her decision and I think she should detach or stay away from these associations and find another meeting. She thinks these guys are so cool and they know her like no one else and that I am the one that is being judgmental and closed minded. I sent an email to me sister w/ my explanation and concern. She said that indeed she and my Niece were disappointed that I would be closed minded and judge her by not going to the meeting because those guys were attending too. Is it me? If nothing changes, nothing changes.

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12-01-2008, 07:27 PM	#3
justaskin Newcomer Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 2	Me again Mike - to be more clear w/ my question: 1. Was I being judgemental and non-supportive with my decision not to attend a meeting w/ my Niece because her (ex) drug dealers would be there. These are two men that (very recently) kept giving her meth w/o paying for it and then got busted and are now required to attend NA meetings. She only wants to go to the meetings they are at and says they need her for support and transportation. I scoured the 'Big Book' and the only reference is 'the addict/alcholoic needs to change persons, places and things' or to disassociate from the old ways and create new paths to a more healthy recovery. Both my sister and my niece think I am closed minded and judgmental for thinking it is wrong for her to be attending meetings w/ these close male friends she used with just months ago.

12-01-2008, 08:36 PM	#4
alcoholrehabcoach Friend Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 293	The way I see it, you simply took a stand on something you believed in. Now whether that was the "right" or "wrong" thing for you to do, well that is clearly why you are struggling with the whole idea of passing judgment. Or being judged by others. So what I will tell you is, what I or anyone else thinks about whether or not you are a judgmental kind of person...that really doesn't matter. What matters is, do you? Of course, as you and I both know, "being judgmental" is something you are concerned about, not only in this example, but in other areas as well. So let me ask you this. What does being judgmental mean to YOU? Tell me your definition and I'll show why you're struggling.