Hard to say Hello - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

kristin · 06-30-2006, 06:57 AM

My name is Kristin and I am a cocaine addict.
I used to smoke crack but stopped doing that 10 months ago. About 4 months ago I decided that since I obviously was capable of not cooking it and smoking it, surely I could just snort it for recreational purposes. What an absolute idiot I am. Now I am right back where I started and the only thing Ive managed to learn is that no matter where I go, there I am.
Every time I use, I hate myself. Maybe hate isnt even acurate. I loathe and detest myself. How could I be in this place again? How am I going to stop and does it really matter if I use or not? I suppose if I feel this guilty and feel this angry about it, it does matter. Maybe not to anyone else, but it does to me.
I havent been able to form a rational thought for weeks, I cant remember last monday, and I feel like junk every morning. I cant get past the physical withdrawl long enough to think about what Im doing.
I really need help. However, in my infinite wisdom I moved to Mexico a year and a half ago and cant find anyone here that speaks my language enough to tell me where I can find a group.
I must sound like a lunatic but I just wanted to be with other people who know how I feel.
Thank you so much for your posts here. I have a hard time talking about this and I am moved by what you say here.
Thanks for letting me take a piece of your space here.
Kristin

*admin* · 06-30-2006, 07:07 AM

((((Kristin)))), I so very glad you decided to share with us on the board here. It is difficult once we cross that invisible line to stop alcohol and/or drugs but it can be done even if we have relapsed. I, myself, and some others have relapsed but by the grace of God have been able to get sober and clean once again and stay that way. Please feel free to continue to come here and share with us. We are here for you. We care!

Love,
Tammy

*admin* · 06-30-2006, 07:11 AM

PS Also wanted to mention that we have a forum on the board here - Online Journals/Diaries that some of us use in our recovery. Please feel free to start a journal of your own there.

06-30-2006, 07:23 AM

Kristin
I am glad you found us and hope you keep coming back to share. Cassie here, grateful recovering alcoholic. I pray that you continue to try to find help with getting past the physical withdrawal - once your body starts to heal and you get healthier, things get a whole lot easier.
friend in recovery
cassie

*Prescott* · 06-30-2006, 07:46 AM

Good morning Kristin, My name is John and I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict. I used and abused cocaine for many years and recovery is possible.I have been clean and sober 8+ yrs now and it does matter.....mostly to me. My addiction took me to the locked down psych ward
losing my mind and not knowing what was real and what wasn't. During my detox in the psych ward I got to see truly helpless addicts that went to far and never to return and it scared the sh*t out of me. When a substance abuse program was offered to me "I said what do I have to lose" that was 8/8/97 and I have been clean and sober ever since. It wasn't easy and I had cravings to drink and use for a long time. It was the AA,NA 12 step program
and fellowship that saved my butt. Saved my life and gave me a life I can be proud of today. I spent many years in jail before I ever got clean & sober or even wanted to. You can stop using also, but it will take a commitment. Detox
is tough and should be done with professional help. Staying clean for me takes fellowship and work, but it is the best gift I have ever recieved. Welcome to our group,keep coming back,you are not alone in this.

*admin* · 06-30-2006, 10:16 AM

These links may help you to find a meeting in Mexico

AA
http://anonpress.org/phone/mexico.asp
English Speaking
Cozumel 52-987-21007
Islamajeras 52-2-1177
Mexico City 52-55-11-1213
Playa del Carmen 52-984-876-0882

English Speaking
http://www.aamexico.org/

NA
LOCAL NA HELPLINE NUMBER
Mexico
52.55.55116840

http://www.namexico.org.mx/entrada.htm

Groups
http://www.namexico.org.mx/intgrupos.htm

NA Region Mexico
http://www.namexico.org.mx/servregion.htm

Email
coordinadora@namexico.org.mx

Please understand that I am not familiar with Mexico having never lived there. My hopes are that maybe if you call one of these numbers listed for NA above you may can find someone who does speak English.

Narcotics Anonymous World Services
http://www.na.org/
Contact
http://www.na.org/contact.htm

A couple of more links that may be helpful to you:
http://www.cyberrecovery.net/recoveryinformation.html
http://www.cyberrecovery.net/NA.html

NA Online Meetings
alcoholism.about.com
http://alcoholism.about.com/mpchat.htm?once=true&

Earth Group of NA Online Meetings
http://www.egna.org/

AA Online Meetings
alcoholism.about.com
http://alcoholism.about.com/mpchat.htm?once=true&

The Winners Circle
http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/2609/aachat.htm

AA Online Meetings
http://aaonline.net/

http://recoverychat.com/

http://aalivechat.com/

If you need anymore help just let us know.

Love,
Tammy

*zoomie* · 06-30-2006, 10:37 AM

Hi and welcome! Please use the links Tammy has posted above to help you on your way. It's all very hard to stop on your own and you may need a doctor's help. This site has saved my life in the recovery we all share day to day. We are never alone and we are loved by eachother. Please keep coming back and letting us know how your doing.
(((((((((((((Huggys)))))))))))))

SkinnyNinja · 06-30-2006, 01:32 PM

Hi Kristin

Hopefully you can find a way to break out of your cycle of using and string together some clean time. If you manage to find some help and do this, I promise that, in time, you will come to like yourself again. It does get better.

Waking · 07-02-2006, 12:28 PM

Hey Kristin, Great to see you here, I've been here a week, trying to stop drinking and using Coke and ecstacy (mainly drink though). When I fell through the door last week on my knees I was in a state. Now I find I have a little more kindness for myself and this has helped me forgive myself and be free(er) from the loathing. As a result, I have done one week sober!

Wishing you some peace and friendship here

Wx

kristin · 07-03-2006, 07:05 AM

Thank you all SO much for your replies. I really felt alot of compassion and understanding when I read them.
Im on day three clean and it always seems to be the hardest day for me. The first day clean is easy because I feel so crappy I just eat and sleep all day. The second day I can almost function and may even attempt some mascara. And then day three always shows its ugly face.
I think, "Check me out! I did two days and it wasnt so bad! Surely Im not an addict" and Im back at it.
I caught the word "loathing" in one of the replies here. That was the word I was looking for to describe the way I feel everytime I use. It sounds ridiculous but sometimes I have the overwhelming urge to slap my own face smooth off my head.
Ive spent nearly my entire life alone and have always been self sufficient. I guess Ive finally found one thing that I just simply cannot do by myself. Thats a hard one for me. I feel like such a failure. How can a little dab of powder have such a devestating effect? Its just the dumbest thing.
I appreciate the links for the meetings here in Mexico a great deal and am checking the areas. Thank you for the time you took to post them for me.
I wish you all the best and hope to one day be here for you.
Peace

06-30-2006, 06:57 AM	#1
kristin Newcomer Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Mexico Posts: 2	Hard to say Hello My name is Kristin and I am a cocaine addict. I used to smoke crack but stopped doing that 10 months ago. About 4 months ago I decided that since I obviously was capable of not cooking it and smoking it, surely I could just snort it for recreational purposes. What an absolute idiot I am. Now I am right back where I started and the only thing Ive managed to learn is that no matter where I go, there I am. Every time I use, I hate myself. Maybe hate isnt even acurate. I loathe and detest myself. How could I be in this place again? How am I going to stop and does it really matter if I use or not? I suppose if I feel this guilty and feel this angry about it, it does matter. Maybe not to anyone else, but it does to me. I havent been able to form a rational thought for weeks, I cant remember last monday, and I feel like junk every morning. I cant get past the physical withdrawl long enough to think about what Im doing. I really need help. However, in my infinite wisdom I moved to Mexico a year and a half ago and cant find anyone here that speaks my language enough to tell me where I can find a group. I must sound like a lunatic but I just wanted to be with other people who know how I feel. Thank you so much for your posts here. I have a hard time talking about this and I am moved by what you say here. Thanks for letting me take a piece of your space here. Kristin

06-30-2006, 07:46 AM	#5
Prescott Moderator Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Prescott AZ Posts: 3,196	Good morning Kristin, My name is John and I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict. I used and abused cocaine for many years and recovery is possible.I have been clean and sober 8+ yrs now and it does matter.....mostly to me. My addiction took me to the locked down psych ward losing my mind and not knowing what was real and what wasn't. During my detox in the psych ward I got to see truly helpless addicts that went to far and never to return and it scared the sh*t out of me. When a substance abuse program was offered to me "I said what do I have to lose" that was 8/8/97 and I have been clean and sober ever since. It wasn't easy and I had cravings to drink and use for a long time. It was the AA,NA 12 step program and fellowship that saved my butt. Saved my life and gave me a life I can be proud of today. I spent many years in jail before I ever got clean & sober or even wanted to. You can stop using also, but it will take a commitment. Detox is tough and should be done with professional help. Staying clean for me takes fellowship and work, but it is the best gift I have ever recieved. Welcome to our group,keep coming back,you are not alone in this. __________________ "Keep it simple" Love in recovery...John

06-30-2006, 01:32 PM	#8
SkinnyNinja Regular Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Michigan, USA Posts: 16	Hi Kristin Hopefully you can find a way to break out of your cycle of using and string together some clean time. If you manage to find some help and do this, I promise that, in time, you will come to like yourself again. It does get better. __________________ www.spiritualriver.com

07-03-2006, 07:05 AM	#10
kristin Newcomer Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Mexico Posts: 2	Thank you! Thank you all SO much for your replies. I really felt alot of compassion and understanding when I read them. Im on day three clean and it always seems to be the hardest day for me. The first day clean is easy because I feel so crappy I just eat and sleep all day. The second day I can almost function and may even attempt some mascara. And then day three always shows its ugly face. I think, "Check me out! I did two days and it wasnt so bad! Surely Im not an addict" and Im back at it. I caught the word "loathing" in one of the replies here. That was the word I was looking for to describe the way I feel everytime I use. It sounds ridiculous but sometimes I have the overwhelming urge to slap my own face smooth off my head. Ive spent nearly my entire life alone and have always been self sufficient. I guess Ive finally found one thing that I just simply cannot do by myself. Thats a hard one for me. I feel like such a failure. How can a little dab of powder have such a devestating effect? Its just the dumbest thing. I appreciate the links for the meetings here in Mexico a great deal and am checking the areas. Thank you for the time you took to post them for me. I wish you all the best and hope to one day be here for you. Peace

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06-30-2006, 07:07 AM	#2
admin Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 28,249	((((Kristin)))), I so very glad you decided to share with us on the board here. It is difficult once we cross that invisible line to stop alcohol and/or drugs but it can be done even if we have relapsed. I, myself, and some others have relapsed but by the grace of God have been able to get sober and clean once again and stay that way. Please feel free to continue to come here and share with us. We are here for you. We care! Love, Tammy

06-30-2006, 07:11 AM	#3
admin Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 28,249	PS Also wanted to mention that we have a forum on the board here - Online Journals/Diaries that some of us use in our recovery. Please feel free to start a journal of your own there.

06-30-2006, 07:23 AM	#4
cassie Guest Posts: n/a	Kristin I am glad you found us and hope you keep coming back to share. Cassie here, grateful recovering alcoholic. I pray that you continue to try to find help with getting past the physical withdrawal - once your body starts to heal and you get healthier, things get a whole lot easier. friend in recovery cassie

06-30-2006, 10:16 AM	#6
admin Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 28,249	These links may help you to find a meeting in Mexico AA http://anonpress.org/phone/mexico.asp English Speaking Cozumel 52-987-21007 Islamajeras 52-2-1177 Mexico City 52-55-11-1213 Playa del Carmen 52-984-876-0882 English Speaking http://www.aamexico.org/ NA LOCAL NA HELPLINE NUMBER Mexico 52.55.55116840 http://www.namexico.org.mx/entrada.htm Groups http://www.namexico.org.mx/intgrupos.htm NA Region Mexico http://www.namexico.org.mx/servregion.htm Email coordinadora@namexico.org.mx Please understand that I am not familiar with Mexico having never lived there. My hopes are that maybe if you call one of these numbers listed for NA above you may can find someone who does speak English. Narcotics Anonymous World Services http://www.na.org/ Contact http://www.na.org/contact.htm A couple of more links that may be helpful to you: http://www.cyberrecovery.net/recoveryinformation.html http://www.cyberrecovery.net/NA.html NA Online Meetings alcoholism.about.com http://alcoholism.about.com/mpchat.htm?once=true& Earth Group of NA Online Meetings http://www.egna.org/ AA Online Meetings alcoholism.about.com http://alcoholism.about.com/mpchat.htm?once=true& The Winners Circle http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/2609/aachat.htm AA Online Meetings http://aaonline.net/ http://recoverychat.com/ http://aalivechat.com/ If you need anymore help just let us know. Love, Tammy

06-30-2006, 10:37 AM	#7
zoomie Moderator Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 2,204	Hi and welcome! Please use the links Tammy has posted above to help you on your way. It's all very hard to stop on your own and you may need a doctor's help. This site has saved my life in the recovery we all share day to day. We are never alone and we are loved by eachother. Please keep coming back and letting us know how your doing. (((((((((((((Huggys)))))))))))))

07-02-2006, 12:28 PM	#9
Waking Regular Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 25	Hey Kristin, Great to see you here, I've been here a week, trying to stop drinking and using Coke and ecstacy (mainly drink though). When I fell through the door last week on my knees I was in a state. Now I find I have a little more kindness for myself and this has helped me forgive myself and be free(er) from the loathing. As a result, I have done one week sober! Wishing you some peace and friendship here Wx

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