Laugh For Today

[admin]

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other
and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is
based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and
turns to the obituaries page.

He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several
months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises
that it is a mistaken entry from their database.

It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.

"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.

Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Brad. open the newspaper to page 31."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"

"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"

"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"

"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's
on page 31 that's so important?"

"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"

The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where
are you calling me from right now?"

[admin]

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it
up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will
grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I
want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof!
There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears
in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right
here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari
appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible
to women."

Poof!

There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Yummy!!!

[admin]

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!"

[admin]

My friend Judy was working at a Maine coastal resort when she answered a call for information about the inn. After finishing the conversation, Judy stepped away from the desk. When the phone rang again, a student intern took the call.

"I forgot to ask something." the caller said, "How are the rooms appointed?"

"Well, six of them are appointed west," the student said, "and the rest are appointed east."

[admin]

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, " Wedding cake."

[admin]

A Texas Highway Patrol Trooper pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it had run through a stop sign.

The Trooper walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, may I see your driver's license and proof of insurance, please?"

The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on PAL, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and proof of insurance immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me what's the big difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The seasoned Trooper had enough, and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that!" At this, he opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat the living snot out of the driver with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down Š or come to a complete stop?"

[janbear]

Message
bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 2:18 pm Post subject: Humor

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Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go
to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor
directed his comments and questions to my son.
When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?"
Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote
out a prescription and handed it to me.
Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.
Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual
food drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled
statement, he showed me the label on the bottle.
As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take
with broccoli."

Received in email


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 2:18 pm Post subject:

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LITTLE PROBLEM SOLVER
One day while my daughter-in-law and I were chatting
on the phone, her 9-year-old son, Aaron, had a problem with
the VCR. Aaron is hearing-impaired and so he signed to his
mother that the VCR needed fixing. She, in turn, signed to
him that he would have to wait until she was finished talking.
Shortly after that my daughter-in-law's doorbell rang and she
hurriedly brought our conversation to an end.

She went to the door and there was Aaron. Knowing how
extended some of his mother's phone conversations could be,
he had gone outside and rung the doorbell. He had never heard
it in his life, but he knew how to use the device as a problem
solver.

-- Betty Sowder


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 2:19 pm Post subject:

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"My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store. Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders. As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair. Although he asked her to stop several
times, she kept on. Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"
"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Sun Jan 08, 2006 10:44 am Post subject:

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A little boy took the chair at the barbershop.

"How would you like your hair cut today, son?" asked the barber.

"Oh, do it like you do Daddy's, with the big hole at the back."


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 4:53 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 4:53 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!



bluidkiti
Administrator



Age: 44
Joined: 01 Dec 2005
Posts: 7079


Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 2:13 pm Post subject:

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Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she
learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.
>From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in
her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there
sure are a lot of ways to spell ‘Nothing!’"


_________________
AA gives us an opportunity to recreate ourselves, with God's help, one day at a time. --Rufus K.
"No matter what you have done up to this moment, you get 24 brand-new hours to spend every single day." --Brian Tracy
God says that each of us is worth loving.
We stay sober together - one day at a time!

[admin]

*Sleep Motivation*

An older man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

[bry]

Ole the Farmer

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota.

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs
the teat and pulls...the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs
another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I
yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.


Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

[admin]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening
weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available
all night. Would you care to select something from this
menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would
like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The
receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love
a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to
her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning,
Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at
the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs,
though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary
truthfully.

"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to
our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve
our service and would value your opinion," said the
receptionist.

"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out,
paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the
comment Mary had written. Here it is:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!' '