Behaviours in a new relationship

[bearfeet]

Hello all,
It's been a while since I posted but I check how you are all doing each day. It's been a few months now since EXA moved out, some of you will know that since then I have had some very dark moments wanting to call beg and plead that he comes back even though life without him in the house for me and my baby girl has been so much better since. He hasn't been in touch once to speak to either me or to see her and as far as I am aware he is till happily drinking away convinced I am to blame for all his woes and he is just acting perfectly normally.

Anyway your tips and stories have really helped me through the terrible 'missing him' moments and some days I really feel I am making progress working on looking after my own needs.

Recently I have been seeing tentatively, someone else, he's actually an old school friend who has moved away. He has no addiction problems, is kind, sensitive and caring and I'm shocked everyday at how thoughtful and sensible he is (after 5 years af disregard, insults and chaos I forgot what normal was). I fancy him, i like and admire him as a person and he makes me forget about all the horror I've been feeling.

So my worries are as follows:-

I still have moments when I imagaine exa turning up sober and wanting me back, is this normal or fair on new man? I still think of exa lots am I using this lovely guy as a substitue or worse asa message to ex? I don't think I am but don't know myself??????

Also I found myself displaying quite an unpleasant behaviour to new man yeaterday evening which reminded me of how I used to feel with exa, basically new man said he had his works party this Saturday, I joked that I was jealous etc and I would be in my own ha ha. He actually offered to not go and stay in with me, I said don't be silly go and enjoy yourself but since then have been hoping he will canel and stay with me. I trust him, I know he is sensible and I can't believe I am feeling so needy already?!

Is this a hang on from the last relationship? Am I still in love with exA?

Any input and advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling at a fragile point at the moment and want to do everything possible to make a happy fulfilled life for myself and my daughter.

Thanks again stars of my life!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

[clean42day]

if you don't take time out and at least begin the process of self examination and addressing your own insecurities and the root cause of them and actively begin the process of healing them - they will surely pop up in your new relationship all dressed up to look like a new situation with a new person.

I found in my own life - that I kept on expecting "others" to fix me...or I looked for people to "fix" on...and I would end up in a new relationship having the same old challenges....and relationship after relationship - I finally had to admit - that the common denominator was ME.

Plus becuase I didn't activley take responsiblity for my own healing - I kept attracting people to me - that would trigger all the wounding again and again forcing those issues up to the surface for me to see them, face them, and admit them. I finally got tired of it all........and it was certainly not fair to the new person I was with either............

so I took time out to heal my own life for 4 years....and stayed out of relationships - until I learned how to have a healthier one with myself.

Until then - I can honeslty say that I was just using people to help distract me from my pain and lonliness, and calling it love. and in doing that I hurt others also.

and you know what I found? - that my core issue was abandonment and feeling unworthy - and so I would unconsciously sabatage "good relationships" too - because I was so afraid they were too good to be true and wouldn't last - that I unconsciously sabataged them to get the fear and insecurity over with.....of course blaming him the whole time.............

I am not saying this is your pattern....but if you don't identify what your core issues are and what patterns of behavior you practice - you can't be aware of them and catch yourself in the middle of one to stop the process from repeating itself.

most of my learning has been in retrospect......

now I am in the what I would call the very first healthy relationship in my life - and even with all my self-knowledge I still catch myself falling into the same ole emotional traps................

but the point is - that I do catch myself and I don't expect others to heal me - no matter what - I am accountable for what I do - no matter how I feel....and my primary focus is to heal.

What changed my life and helped me begin to heal - was that I quit trying to make men my higher power - and I switched that unhealthy dependency to a spiritual higher power I could beleive in and depend on. My relationship with God is my primary relationship and that has made all the difference in the world - toward the relationship I am in today.

I know where I end and I know where he begins - and I am not so totally enmeshed in the sick validation that goes along with unhealthy love and unhealthy dependency. I am still learning daily - what healthy love is, what it feels like, what it looks like...................it is a process of growing up just like any other process - it doesn't happen over night and it is not a one time event.

here is a reading that I like that might help you:

I will know love when I realize….the fibers of a relationship are constructed from the fibers of my heart.

Are you relationship material? The question is not are you looking for a relationship? Nor is it do you want a relationship? The question is, are you a clear example of the stuff a healthy relationship is made of?

In order to be relationship material you must be able to open your heart to someone, and you must know what to do when they open their heart to you. You must be absolutely okay with every little thing that you know to be true about you. Now here’s is the kicker. Once you see yourself you must be willing to allow others to see you exactly as you are! You must be able to stand before another person with out fear, without excuses and with all of your defenses down. And if you cannot, you may not be relationship material.

If you are relationship material, you are trusting and trustworthy. If you are relationship material, when your dark hour is upon you, there is a light switch inside of you that you know how to turn on. By the same token, when your partner faces his/her own darkness, you are there. You don’t fall apart because he/she seems to be falling apart.
In order to be relationship material, you must take a risk, tell the truth, trust that you will be heard. You must lay down all defenses, expectations and judgments. You must give without taking, grow without overshadowing, bend without feeling broken and know without doubt. Most important of all, you must know exactly what you want and be willing to ask for it, knowing exactly what you are willing to do if you do not get it.

Until today, you may not have realized what it takes to be relationship-ready. Just for today, ask yourself questions in order to discover whether you are ready to have the relationship you are seeking.

TODAY I AM DEVOTED TO GETTING MYSELF IN SHAPE FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

Until Today - Iyanla Vanzant

P.S. I made a list of all the things I thought made up a healthy relationship. And the kind of qualities of character I was looking for in a man………
security
honesty
integrity
honor
healthy boundaries
dignity
self respect
comittment
stabiltiy
spirituality
emotional maturity......ect

Then I turned the list around and asked myself. “How many of these qualities can I bring to a relationship with me already in place in my own life? “Wow that was an eye-opener”. Do I myself possess the kinds of qualities I am looking for?

I do beleive when we work on ourselves and focus on our own self development and become healthier individuals- God is preparing us - just as he is preparing someone for us.

like I said - I have been working on me for 4-5 years and now that all the newness and euphoria of this new relationship I am in is beginning to wear off (1 year now)and we are entering into the differences stage - I am realizing that I still have a lot of work to do with myself.

Self acceptance is huge one for me - and when I am insecure - Do I expect my mate to fill that hole in my soul?
Do I love myself enough to sustain me - even when I don't feel I am getting the love I need from him?

No one person, place, or thing, or man can be expected to be our end all and be all...............only God can do that. the best thing I can hope for - is a man who has most of the same values that I do and a deep comittment to work on himself too....and when we both place God first in our lives......we begin to compliment eachothers journey instead of making "the guy" or the relationship my soul purpose for exisiting.

just some of my own thoughts and experience.............

you must have your own experience with yourself..........

Don't loose the emotional and spiritual lessons you learned from your last relationship and try not to repeat that insanity in your new one.

Good luck and God bless

Gail

[clean42day]

p.s.s - I responded to your other "help needed" post too.

[Booky]

Originally Posted by bearfeet

Is this a hang on from the last relationship? Am I still in love with exA?

I really believe that when two people (male and female) are joined - especially when they have a child - then the two are joined emotionally and spiritually for life.

It (the feelings or the love) does not stop and never truly goes away.

He will feel for you for the rest of his life, and you will feel for him for the rest of your life.

And it is not some cursing or some negative condition that we can not get rid of - no.

As we get older then the old memories and those old but warm feelings are very much appreciated.

It is a blessing to be joined even if it ends up in a failed relationship.

That is the way I see it.

[clean42day]

I agree with you Booky - if and only if the union is a holy one. but what if it is not? what if it is a union of the ego.....and not of spirit? then what? do you continue to hang onto the negative? the unhealthy part? at the emotional detriment and deterioration of self in the name of the spiritual ideal?

practically speaking - I think some things are suppose to end and that opens the door for new beginnings...and better ways of being in the world and in love.

as usual every person must evaluate it from thier own experience for themselves and walk thier own path.....but I do have a rule - if it is continually painful - that is not LOVE.

I only speak from my own experience.....and I have not risen to such a spiritual plane of existance - that I can even phathom unconditional love - let alone practice it.

but that doesn't mean that I don't strive for that ideal - I make progress daily.

I really believe that when two people (male and female) are joined - especially when they have a child - then the two are joined emotionally and spiritually for life.

If I for instance had a child and my husband sexually abused my child - I would scrap the relationship and never have anything to do with him again. (period)

I am not talking spiritually - I am talking healthy..........

some relationships are healthy and they help us move forward..............some are not healthy and they only enable us to repeat the insantiy of expecting a different result.

which would you choose?

[Booky]

Originally Posted by clean42day

I do have a rule - if it is continually painful - that is not LOVE.

I only speak from my own experience.....and I have not risen to such a spiritual plane of existance - that I can even phathom unconditional love - let alone practice it.

but that doesn't mean that I don't strive for that ideal - I make progress daily.

I do not mean to be picky but that ideal of "unconditional love" troubles me.

We must not do unconditional love, because we must have conditions called "boundaries", link HERE.

In example; we require of our "love" that people do not abuse us, that is a boundary and it is a condition, as in conditional love.

Christians speak of Godly love being unconditional from the Greek word "Agape" which is said to mean "un-conditional love" and that is not a fair interpretation of the words.

God's love means loving our enemies but we do not love their sinful actions. It means love the sinner but hate the sin.

And what does love mean when the husband or wife is abusing us or our relationship or abusing the kids? that kind of love needs to mean putting a stop to the abuse.

The "Agape" / "unconditional love" is only unconditional to those receiving it, but it is very conditional of those giving it. That is why it is better interpreted as being disciplined or principled love. Like a wayward child might be punished because we love our kids, and that means we expect and demand that the kids do right. Unconditional love must mean that the person is not free to act abusive because their loved ones will not accept it.

The un-conditional love of the person is why we do NOT love their wrong actions.

The Mahatma Gandhi once defined love as being; "the outgoing concern for the welfare and dignity of others".

That is the way I understand it.