receiving....M.B.

[clean42day]

Receiving


Here is an exercise:

Today, let someone give to you. Let someone do something nice for you.
Let someone give you a compliment or tell you something good about
yourself. Let someone help you.

Then, stand there and take it. Take it in. Feel it. Know that you are
worthy and deserving. Do not apologize. Do not say, "You shouldn't
have." Do not feel guilty, afraid, ashamed, and panicky. Do not
immediately try to give something back.

Just say, "Thank you.".........M.B.

[clean42day]

This was the absolute hardest lesson for me to learn early in my recovery. I was so used to being on my own, the giver, the strong one who didn't need anybody or anything, and I perceived recieving as an obligation to give back. Even my sponsor, tried to give me telephone money to call her and I tried to decline. She gently grabbed both sides of my mouth like a child and said. just say "thank you" ..... while mouthing the words with me.

it was a turning point when I learned to recieve graciously and really let it sink in that I was worthy of recieving. that it wasn't a trap, it was ok, I wouldn't get hurt, i didn't have to reciprocate, or feel ashamed, or guilty.

I could trust that some people were good at heart and there was no ulterior motive....that it was ok to be vulnerable and a reciever as well as a giver.

I guess for many years giving was a way to feel in control of the relationship, and recieving felt out of control.

after a while and a lot of practice....giving no longer felt powerful or stronger than....it felt humble, and recieving no longer felt vulnerable or less than....I felt grateful and blessed.

somehow today I can maintain my dignity in both.

[flickchic]

I guess for many years giving was a way to feel in control of the relationship, and recieving felt out of control.

Yes, I can relate to this well. It has taken a lot of work to accept enough self worth to then be able to accept compliments without embarassment/absolute discomfort from believing I didn't deserve to be told those things. I think the damage of abusive r/ships as an adult really concreted c/hood beliefs of self. I would be given many compliments early days to have them all removed and the complete opposite told/yelled at me instead. I recal when I met Mark I often questioned the compliments; "really?" I'd ask, he did get frustrated eventually and brought it to my attention so I worked on that area when doing c/hood recovery. Over time little by little I have learnt to accept that I am worthy, I have also learnt to see the difference between genuine free given compliments and compliments given with an attached agenda....for me that has been a very important lesson.

I have had many many people help me over the years, outisde of my immediate family and I found that hard to accept for a long time too, particularly from strangers. The most humbling of those times has been when I've really been down and out and on my butt! People who have so openly and honestly given to me and mine during those times helped me realise that if someone wanted to help me when I was in such a state and when I felt so undeserving then I guess I must be worthy after all. The biggest awakening I had there was only 18 months ago, before I returned to work, I was no longer able to recieve any monies for self and children as M's income cancelled it all out, well with the mortgage, car, etc etc we got really caught up financially and during the school holidays I was pushed to go and ask for help. The support we were given, so graciously, with much warmth and understanding really opened something up deep inside of me, and I was and still am so grateful to those people who helped us.

The greatest compliment I have received was very recently when my T shared with me that he felt he could think of none other than myself to lead a community support peer group. To know he has watched me get off my rear to feeling I am at a point of being capable to lead others in offering support to a whole community quite astounded me for a while, however I did manage to share that I am very honoured to be given that opportunity to share and give back what I have recieved over the years from so many others, including my family and friends here. For me, I am honoured to be given an opportunity to serve God by serving His children, to offer support and care in times of grief/trauma that may enter their lives and what greater compliment could there be.

[clean42day]

I have also learnt to see the difference between genuine free given compliments and compliments given with an attached agenda....for me that has been a very important lesson.

me to flick, took me 2 years to start to trust again and then another year to learn the difference too.

I also had to learn to graciously decline Freebies that had hidden strings attached....that was a really hard one for me too.

I saw my x for the first time in 15 years just last thanksgiving, explicitly to make my amends to him. his mother and father died and left him a huge inheritance. he went out and bought 7 cars, a house, computers....just in general "things" to fill up the empty hole of grief. it was sad to see him admit that none of it worked to make him feel any better or more important. He told me "I have a car for every day of the week....would you like one?" Then he asked me if I needed an apartment? it was tempting especially since I was on welfare at the time and walking or riding the bus to school, but I couldn't accept it. I knew that he was still in love with me because he told me so and I also knew what that car and apartment represented. I told him, how I felt, and what I thought, and that I felt he was in a very vulnerable position right, maybe not thinking clearly and with a whole lot of expectations. after talking with my sponsor about it, I called him back and told him that he should think about it for some time and if he still wanted to give me a volvo in 9 months, without any strings or obligations, I would accept it. He never did call me back. I am glad I delayed my gratification and did not take advantage of the situation. I wouldn't have felt good about it. even though he couldn't see the futility of it all....I could. and I had to take the road less traveled for both our sakes.

12 months later I got my own room rental and a my licence back and bought my own car. I tried to call him the other day and his sister said he left her the house and cars and went back out on the road truck driving. I hope he finds himself out there.

[flickchic]

yes, the trust is a hard one hey!!!!

I too hope for your ex's sake he finds himself out there. What a lonely man he must be.

I am glad I delayed my gratification and did not take advantage of the situation. I wouldn't have felt good about it. even though he couldn't see the futility of it all....I could. and I had to take the road less traveled for both our sakes.

well done Gail, that would have been a pretty hard decision to make I would imagine; given your circumstances at the time.