The Disease

[janbear]

The Disease

I have a disease called addiction.
Yes I am powerless but how do I accept this condition?
I go to meetings and try to listen
and sometimes throughout the day -
my mind glamorizes and the thought of using glistens.
I say the serenity prayer out of fear
and try to believe a few new friends really care.
Many times I feel hopeless and doomed.
I try to get out of it but just get consumed.
Up and down a roller coaster I go.
I wish it would stop but when I do not know.
This disease is so powerful and angry.
All it wants is control of me.
There has to be a way to deal
and am told in order to do that I must feel.
I'm feeling many things...Anger, tired, lonely and fearful
that sometimes I become quite tearful.
For many years I have used.
I can now see the progression and how I abused.
I have been numb for so long
God, how I want to feel I belong.
What a false sense of security this disease has given.
I want to feel that life is worth living.
Suicide and using are not an option.
Finding a new way to live will take much caution.
I should be grateful for the disease has been arrested
but every single day I feel I am being tested.
I'm not sure of my real personality
but am told in order to make it I need spirituality.
How do I get all that I need
when all the disease wants is to feed?
I know the answers are not in a bottle or in dope.
All I need is to learn how to cope
then maybe I'll have a little hope.

written by Kelly