life loves me and I love life

[clean42day]

What happened, what it was like, and what its like now????.
My name is Gail and I am a grateful recovering addict. Grateful because I am truly blessed to be able to come this far, recovering ? because this is an ongoing process of spiritual growth that never stops, and an addict ? because I never want to forget that I am powerless over drugs or forget where I came from.

I am going to speak briefly about my childhood because it is there that I believe some dysfunctional seeds were planted that made me seek mind altering chemicals in the first place as a form of escaping from me and a reality I had no coping skills to deal with. most of the family messages I got when I was young were formulas for failure, toxic shame, and guilt. Many of the messages I internalized were unspoken and covert: Dont be, dont be a problem, grow up fast, dont feel - act adult, dont show affection it is not safe, and dont be close. I was sexually abused at the age of 5 and that set me up for early promiscuity and thinking that sex = love. On a separate occasion, I was emotionally and physically traumatized as a child by an elderly babysitter for a month while my parents were in Belgium and that taught me not to trust adults or authority figures and in general. I felt very unsafe, unprotected and at risk as a child. Since my brothers and sisters were much older than me I got left out a lot and most of the time I felt different, disconnected, and alone.
I had no sense of trust in others and was never really taught how to trust myself. Lets just say that in general I was emotionally isolated/shutdown and had no way of expressing feelings, I didnt have a safety zone to rely on, I was not protected, and I learned some really dysfunctional ways of protecting myself. But by far the most damaging message I got as a child was that somehow I was responsible for everyones? feelings and their shame too. I thought this was normal and I lived with it for 35 to 40 years.

Without going into too much detail ? I tried to take my own life when I was 5 years old, took my first mind altering chemical at the age of 9, had my first blackout from alcohol at the age of 11, smoked my first joint of marijuana at 12, and had done every drug in the book by the age of 17. At 18 years of age, I had already paid many consequences for my drug abuse - being kicked out of 4 Jr. Highs and sent out of state to finish 9th grade, sent to an adolescent mental ward at 14, being mandated to foster care at the age of 14 because I was uncontrollable and my parents gave me to the court system because they didnt want to be held responsible for what I might do next.
I had already been in two jails by the age of 16, dropped out of high school in favor of a GED, and anger and depression seem to be my only coping skills. At that time in my life I internalized most of my anger and I was out to get me and I was my own worst enemy.

My priorities in life back then were sex, drugs and rock and roll and when all else fails and **** hits the fan = RUN. I went from being 12 to doing 21 year old things in less than a year. At 18 a man introduced me to freebase cocaine and out of all the drugs I had ever done, that was the one that flipped my switch, I was instantly and hoplessly addicted, and that was the beginning of many endings in my lifetime. I was in love with the pipe.

By the time I was 24 I had lost jobs and had been evicted from 3 apartments, sold 2 cars for drugs, ruined one marriage, became a call girl to support my habit, ruined 3 careers as a travel agent - administrative secretary, and Dog training instructor - ended up in the hospital and almost lost my left hand due to drug induced Lupus, lost the respect of my family and destroyed everything I had ever loved and valued because cocaine was the #1 priority in my life.

My mother died when I was 26, and she was the last remaining link I had to belong to my family. after her funeral I admitted to my father for the very first time that I had a problem and if I didnt get help he was going to bury two people instead of one. He paid for a treatment center and off I went to become a 30 day recovery wonder.

I heard many things at that treatment center, like addiction is a disease, it is chronic, progressive, and fatal, and without treatment jails, institutions and death is what I had to look forward to. instead of using that information to help myself I used it against myself and quit trying to control this disease. Instead of surrendering into recovery - I surrendered into self-defeat and self destruction and let this disease just take me.

And it took me alright - to places I never thought I would go, doing things I never thought I would do, with people I never thought I would end up with. Within 3 years I didnt recognize myself anymore, I crossed every value and principal I was raised with. I was unemployable, homeless, selling my body on the streets of downtown L.A for the next hit, going in and out of jails, and living at a level of existence that stray dogs live at. I bounced from abandoned buildings, homeless huts on the side of the freeway, stairwells and homeless shelters for 14 years.

For 14 years I never once called home for help or talked to my family because I was too ashamed and I believed they were better off thinking I was dead. During that time I was not in denial of this disease and that it would kill me.I knew it would and I just wanted to die. I had given up trying to live a normal life.

Everyday I woke up I put my life, my safety, my freedom and my sanity on the line for the next hit of cocaine. During the time I was homeless, I was gang raped repeatedly, strangled and almost killed by a truck diver, was held hostage during the L.A riots by 3 black men, had numerous weapons held to my throat and head in various situations, and it all just desensitized me and became normal?.

More and more I just became numb to all the drama and my emotions became flat, I was on autopilot most of the time and my mind and spirit were withering away. That crack pipe dictated every last move I made. That pipe decided when I would sleep, eat, wake up, shower, clothe myself, and how I would move through my day. I remember hating to go to sleep. I would smoke myself away for days, because I knew that there would be about 30 - 60 minutes in the morning where I would wake up and have to sit in my own skin sober and I couldnt stand myself anymore.

I lived my life by suicide on the installment plan. I had become a walking addicted shell on autopilot going through the moves of self-defeat on a daily basis. Jail became my second home and about the only place I felt safe.

What happened: I got sick and tired, worn out, sick of ripping and running, sick of the drama, the kaos, the hustle, the revolving door of jail, sick of myself and sick of life. In the end days of my using. I wished and prayed that every hit would just blow up my heart and end the insanity of the hopeless existence I was living. I was killing myself slowly. All the cops knew me by name and my world had shrunk to 3 points: the street where I worked and sold myself, my abandoned car, and the dope mans house. I was like a rat in a cage spinning on a wheel as fast as I could go and headed no where fast. I had a 500 dollar a day habit and couldnt keep a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and I couldnt even get high anymore. I would take a hit and skip over the euphoria that use to make me hight and instead go straight into paranoid delusions of fear. There was no more predicting the outcome of what I might do to myself next.

I remember sitting on the railroad tracks one night and falling asleep, tried to kill myself with pills and vodka and I was in a coma for 3 days and woke on life support in the hospital angry that I was still alive. I even went as far as to ask a gang member how much it would cost of pay for someone to be killed - hoping that I could save enough money to have myself taken out! since I couldnt seem to even get suicide right. I hated everything about my life, but mostly hated myself and what I had become. I couldnt even look myself in the eyes anymore and I hated my reflection in the mirror. I didn? know who was staring back at me - but I knew I was my own worst enemy.

During those 14 years I had been mandated to 2 treatment centers by the courts and I complied, stayed clean for periods of time, heard a message of recovery but never really internalized it inside myself to the point of the kind of surrender necessary to turn a corner in recovery.

Quite simply I was not done. And every time I would get clean and start to work the 12 steps, my own self-destructive behavior and deep shame would sabotage me all over again. I really never believed I was ?worth? my recovery and so that is exactly what I experienced = failure. I was not only addicted to drugs I was also addicted to the high drama, the excitement of living on the edge, fast money, and living without regard for consequences or the accountability of being the author of my life.

I was also a flaming co-dependent and the ultimate victim. If I was not addicted to drugs, then I was addicted to unhealthy people.and both are equally destructive, a form of insanity and the result was misery even sober.

Each time I got clean I would uncover another layer of dysfunctional belief systems, unhealthy behavior, and faulty thinking and get a little closer to the root of the problem, and each time I would relapse I would learn how I had set myself up for self-defeat and self sabotage.
.
Without drugs my life was still very unmanageable and I came to realize that I never really learned positive life coping skills, or a healthy self-perception of self - I really never knew who the hell I was.

The last time I was arrested, I was grateful the war was over.(25 years of drugging was over) Sitting in the back of that police car was a relief that I had been rescued one more time from my own self destruction. I sat in jail for 3 weeks and fully surrendered for the final and last time. I had looked back over my life and looked at where I was headed if I didnt stop the revolving door of relapse and recovery. and I saw myself as an old wrinkled up homeless lady walking the streets with an oxygen machine on her back, a bag of bones, no teeth in her head, headed towards a nameless body bag and grave with Jane Doe on the tombstone. That was my reality and I wasnt far from it.

And so I made a choice - to give recovery one last final shot and give it my very all. I prayed like I had never prayed before in the jail cell and I kept on praying. not for my freedom or to just get out - I prayed that God would lift me up and show me how to live.

When I arrived in court 3 weeks later I was fully prepared to go to prison. Over my drugging career I managed to rack up 5 felony possession charges and had violated my probation about 15 times. But the judge had other plans for me. She mandated me to the toughest rehab in the county for a year. She said prison was the easy way out. and that Rehab would be much harder work, and she was right. The last rehab I went to was not just for treating drug addiction, it was also a behavioral remodification center and I needed every bit of it.

I arrived on Christmas Eve with the white jumpsuit the court gave me, a toothbrush, a comb to my name. I had already surrendered that this is not what my life had come to, but was exactly where my new life could begin. And I was ready, willing, and an open and wounded soul. My attiude was: I dont know how to live anymore, please show me how?? and I stayed grateful willing and open throughout the whole emotionally painful process.

I remember my first day with my case management counselor and he asked me what I thought I needed to work on in rehab. And I rattled off childhood issues, co-dependency issues, domestic violence syndrome, sexual abuse, emotional and physical abuse, rape and violence, and PTSD?.ect. and he looked up from his chart and said: we are not equipped to address those issues here, we only treat addiction? and I said then you are wasting your time and so am I.

I knew enough about the disease of addiction and had been through enough therapy to also know it is just a symptom of a much deeper cause and condition - a spiritual malady, a deep woundedness and a lack of a sense of self. And removing my drug use - was to remove my only coping skill in life and without treating underlying issues all treatment would do is slap a bandaid on things I had no tools or life skills to deal with.

He pulled every string he could to get me the help I needed and had to but heads with quite a bit of red tape policy makers. Now that treatment facility has incorporated rape counseling, family and marriage therapy, along with a much more comprehensive program of treatment for people with grave emotional disorders.

My journey into recovery began on December 2, 2002..and I have not looked back since. The only reason I look back into my past is to remind myself what not to do and how not to live life and maybe use my example to help others realize there is a better way to live. I walked away from everything I had ever known in favor of a new experience with life and with myself. I not only worked a treatment program, I went to Sexual assault recovery sessions, inner child therapy, co-dependents anonymous, and counseled privately with a therapist.

The first year was the hardest: treatment, therapy, counseling, behavioral changes, along with a loving sponsor who took me through the steps and lead me by spiritual examples were my new classrooms for life. I had to look into the doors of my soul that I had closed and pull out memories that I had buried from so long ago in my childhood, I had to open them and see what was there, assess the damage done, walk through the healing stage and finally emerge out the other side with forgives for my perpetrators, and forgiveness for self and give myself permission to become a survivor. I had to find that little girl and teach her how to trust me at that same time that I learned how to ?be? trustworthy. I had to re-parent myself and give God full permission to be my new spiritual parent and allow him to love me and raise me all over again.

In that process I learned what self-honor? meant, and not only how to honor me, but how to honor others and most of all how to honor the ?God? inside me. I learned how to set and hold healthy boundaries in my life. I practiced a lot of contrary action in that first year to be able to change and recondition my behaviors and re-wire my emotional reactions into healthy responses, re-frame the past and my perceptions of life, and re-define my place in it.

I worked through the traumas of rape, domestic violence, sexual abuse, co-dependency, being a victim of attempted murder, and all the while stay true to a self that I was just getting to know for the very first time at the age of 40. All in all, my first year was a holistic journey.not just a 12 step one. I even had to re-learn how to eat, cook, make my bed, dress appropriately, and re-learned social skills.

And the biggest stumbling block was re-teaching myself how to trust life again, and most importantly how to trust myself and be a trustworthy individual. I learned I was capable and able to do the right thing and overcome the patterns of self-sabatage, how to recognize them, and not allow them to rule my life. In short I learned how to honor life?.and at the same time honor myself and the people around me. God gave me enough faith to believe in myself and to really believe that life loved me and that I could learn to love life again.

The steps gave me tools to deal with everyday life, therapy gave me skills for emotional self management, and counseling kept me on track throughout the whole process. I got a great solid foundation my first year with the help of a whole slew of professionals and a loving sponsor, a 12 step fellowship of wonderful people, and a loving God that has never once left my side during that process.

My 2nd and 3rd years I started school and stepped off into more independent living and started putting into practice all I had learned about myself, the program, life/coping skills and put my effort into daily actions to change my life. By the end of the 3rd year I had a 3.75 GPA in school, completed all my court commitments, and was free of the justice system for the first time in 15 years, I got my license to drive back, saved for and bought a car, paid rent and bills on time, learned to manage money, planned goals and reached them, and learned healthy communication skills, boundaries, and how to be a friend again.

I renewed a relationship with my family and had to learn how to be a respectful supportive daughter as well as a loving sister.and all the while - not allow my families dysfunctional system to pull me back into the unhealthy insanity we were all raised with.

This 4th year has been about living the steps into my life moment by moment, practicing spiritual principals, becoming fully accountable and responsible for the actions I take, the decisions and choices I make, and allowing myself to make mistakes - but not be defeated by them. I am challenged daily to re-create a new history with myself and leave a different trail of footprints in the world behind me.

I have had many full circle recovery moments in this last year and have come to understand that all the trauma I have lived through-has now become my greatest blessing. Because of the exact experiences I have had in life - I am uniquely qualified to relate to others peoples traumas and addiction because I have walked in their shoes, and can support them through the process of healing that I myself had to walk through, and give back the love and encouragement that was freely given to me.

I speak on panels regularly, work with sponsees, and am of service in every area of my life - not just 12 step life. I try to be an example of a 12 step way of life, how to not give up, how to begin again, and give back to others - and to cooperate with life and a loving God that guides me.

In short I would have to say that the biggest gift recovery has given me ? is it put the power of free choice back into my life freedom from active addiction - freedom from core issues that use to hold me hostage, - the faith and hope to heal, and freedom to stay true to my authentic real self.

God never once gave up on me and I have learned how not to give up on myself. I am a beautiful loving, worthy and valuable child of God and today I am WORTH my recovery. I am actually comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life at the age of 46 and enjoy my own company. I dont have to run from myself anymore - or validate my value and worth according to other peoples standards or perceptions of me. I am free to choose my own truth instead of being blown by every wind, and I hold integrity, dignity, love, and self honor as my highest standards.

As I sit here writing this; I dont know all the answers or exactly where I am headed - or what life has in store for me, but I do have goals and dreams back in my life and hope that I can achieve them. I also feel that I am capable and able to handle what ever may come my way without putting a chemical in my body to get through it. The God I have in my life today ensures me that as long as I align my will with his - I will be empowered to handle whatever he has planned for my life. I allow him to use me today in whatever way is towards my highest good to help me and to help others. Life is no longer just about what I can get, but what I can contribute and what I have to give to others. Every morning I wake up I have the power of choice of how I will move through my day alive, well, recovering and free.

The fear of life has been lifted - today I believe that life loves me-and that God gave me this life as a gift - what I do with it from this point forward - is my gift back to him.

The obsession to use drugs has been removed from my life and I have been given a second chance to change and begin again.

Every single day I am grateful and I stay grateful and look for the blessings in every moment and yes even in the problems. Mistakes and problems are only challenges to learn and not loose the lesson.

I graduated in June magna *** laude, and I am now working towards my BA in Psychology, and at the same time I hope to complete a chemical dependency counseling license in the next 3 years. Maybe I can give back what was freely given to me.

recovery works! if you work it.

Your life is only going according to God's plan...if you are!

Life is no longer measured by the breaths i take, but by the moments that take my breath away.

My favorite affirmaiton: All the good I am seeking...
is now seeking me.

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
- Carl Bard -



Be safe, be strong, and be still.

Light and love

Gail

[clean42day]

thank you Anna - I wrote this when I was 4 getting ready to turn 5......on another website and I posted it yesterday here. I turned 6 years clean this past december.....and alot has happened in the last year. Namely, I gave myself permisson to date again romantically and opened my heart to love again. This took a huge amount of learning to trust me to "BE" a healthy partner in a relationship. I have been with D for a year and a couple of days.....and let me tell you.............This has been the hardest year of my recovery.

Sometimes I want to ask myself ???????what was i thinking last year when I thought I would be ready for a relationship:

I feel like I am on that emotional rollercoaster from my first year and like I haven't learned a thing

But what I have learned is boundaries and how to keep them and that coping skill along with the steps and god are the only 3 things that have saved my sanity.

but right now as I sit here writting this - I feel emotionally broken - not defeated - just broken. I feel like I have betrayed myself by believing that I had enough self love to carry me through this. I don't feel like I can endure much more of the challenges and testing this relationship has required of me.

at some point I have to tell myself the truth......
just like I did in that first step with drugs.

I am powerless over this relationship and my life in unmanageable in so many emotional ways.

I have come to believe - that my primary mistake was that I didn't ask God to come into this relationship with me.

and have made a decision to practice some self care and step back out of it and allow God to lead my life and healing again.

in short - "I surrender"

It feels like I am choosing lonliness again - but what I am really choosing is.............."me".

that's a form of self love and self honor.

so another door is closing in my life and somewhere out there God is opening another one...........................I am sure of it

and trust with all my heart that I am being prepared to walk through it.

here I am again - walking in blind faith - with a little bit of wisdom from my past and a whole lot from my present.

for any newcomers reading this: Recovery is a process of growth and it is not a bed of roses all the time - many times our greatest growth comes from walking through the valley......I am in the valley right now.....but I am keeping my eyes on the hills - and I am going to let hope pull me forward.

and throughout it all, no matter how much pain I go through ........

getting loaded is NOT AN OPTION

light and love

Gail

[thereishope]

Gosh....you know what????
I just want to give you a great big supporting hug and my heart goes out to you.

[clean42day]

Failure in Love….by Leo Buscaglia

FAILURE IN LOVE

There is no failure where love is concerned. To be unsuccessful is not the same as failure. Our disappointment is more likely to provide an opportunity to learn and to grow.

If we don’t risk loving, we will never fail in love. But much worse, we will also never experience its wonder. As Loyd Jones assures us, those who try to do something and fail are infinitely better off than those who try to do nothing and succeed.

We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn’t. Success often lies just on the other side of failure.

As long as we continue to seek love, some failure is bound to occur. But hurt is a strong impetus for action. When we seek to find the causes of our failures, we always, emerge wiser. We gain new alternatives for our old behaviors and acquire new resources for future encounters. This is certainly not failure. Rather, it is the way that produces lasting change. It is the way of insight and growth. It is the way of Love.

There is no failure except in no longer trying.
~Elbert Hubbard~

===================================
MY THOUGHTS:

Although this reading speaks about failure in love, we could easily replace the subject with just about anything and it would still be a powerful message.

Failure in jobs

Failure in friendships

Failure in school

Failure in communicating our feelings

Ect.

I don’t really believe in failure at all – rather failure is a “lesson” to do it differently next time.

His last sentence really hits home:

“ When we seek to find the causes of our failures, we always, emerge wiser. We gain new alternatives for our old behaviors and acquire new resources for future encounters. This is certainly not failure. Rather, it is the way that produces lasting change. It is the way of insight and growth. It is the way of Love.”

My sponsor has always told me "do you know how to tell if your growing Gail?" = when your no longer making the same old mistakes - now your making brand new ones

There can really never be any kind of failure in – Growth!

[annalittlebit]

[jeff_f]

Jeff F

[SugarScars]

You are so amazing!! Thank you for sharing your story with us!