What do you deny, avoid or water down?

[alcoholrehabcoach]

No doubt this is another tough question to answer, especially in public. But in some cases, and this is probably one of them, it isn't always necessary to "air our dirty laundry" in order to come clean.

Today I was thinking about some decisions I failed to make in my marriage, that even now, seven years after their mother and I divorced, are still visible as scars upon my children. My indecisiveness, my denial, my excuses, my watering down the truth, all had such an immeasurable impact on my children when they were little, it is no wonder they are now having so much trouble as young adults.

I am writing this because it pains me to see people suffering, and I know there is a much better way than to always live in fear. For many people, their fear is so great they won't even admit it to themselves. They are unable to acknowledge what others clearly see. To me, being response-able means being able to choose a response that truly serves my purpose. Of course, it wasn't until I decided that part of my purpose is "To Live Well", that I was able to start responding in ways that truly support that purpose.


Today, if you really want to get the most out of these things that I am saying, then I encourage you to do 2 things right this very moment:

1. Take out a piece of paper, and write down...

A) Some things you have been avoiding
B) Some things you have been denying
c) Some things you have often been afraid to say.

Don't be afraid to write down as many things as you can think of. It is just a little practice to see how those things really feel. When you are finished, have a good look at the list, and calmly circle the one that is most offensive. And then throw the whole paper in the garbage, where all those thoughts belong.

2. Then, recalling that one thing you had circled, go ahead and post your own self-prescribed antidote, right here in this thread. This can be a new mantra to help you develop some healthier new beliefs.


This morning I saw that I had been denying way more things about my parenting skills then I really cared to admit, which is why I know the value of this exercise. I went ahead and did it for myself. Here is a mantra that I came up with, to help me help my children become even stronger:

"I am now a reliable resource for the two young people I have raised, and I connect with each of them several times a week."

Nice. That feels SO much better than how I felt just a moment ago, when my daughter told me about some unhealthy things she has been doing.


Mike

Taking a stand isn't always easy, but it is always better when we do.
Check out the new website I am building at www.MikeHighstead.com

[snugsnug]

2. Then, recalling that one thing you had circled, go ahead and post your own self-prescribed antidote, right here in this thread. This can be a new mantra to help you develop some healthier new beliefs.

I have been denying I am overweight and have to cut back on sweets and carbs. I need to exercise regularly!

I will reduce my carb intake to a more healthy amount. I will also pick and choose which carbs I will eat. I will exercise at least once a week, walk.

[flick]

c) Some things you have often been afraid to say.

I have been afraid to say anything to my partner about the amount and frequency of his drinking, which has increased again over the past 6 weeks or so.

I want to have the courage to express how I believe it affects our r/ship, I want to be able to express it truthfully but not in a way that will create a reaction!! therefore I will look within for the courage and seek wisdom on the best way to address the situation.

[geoff 1030]

A) I have been afraid to live again because I have been frozen stiff with fear.

B) I have been denying that who I am is still in here and I know him.

C) I have never been afraid to say anything and I want to use Flicks' mantra and ask God to shut my mouth when I've said enough.

[flick]

you go for it Geoff!!!!.....funny thing I generally need that mantra too...hence it being there...some things though; I am learning to keep my mouth shut because of that fear of repercussions of enormous discontent here at home....need to balance my see-saw a little better!!!....I have Borderline Personality Disorder and generally we speak out minds, never mind the repercussions!! My man, like many an addict doesn't like the truth to be shoved in his face! (I never used to either LOL).

btw a wee thought; FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real, and Face Everything And Recover.....yes I know I have been trying to bare them in mind also!!

2 more;

• F.E.A.R. doesn't have to mean Forget Everything And Run.
• F.E.A.R.: Forgetting Everything is All Right.

[Sandrea of the light]

In the past few months I have literally changed everything about my outlook, by finally really looking through my character defects. I only thought I had them when I was drinking. I have taken the last 3 months off from being employed, to work on myself, having started 5 months ago. My goal, to reconnect and dig deep into my soul searching, wanting answers to all my questions. From my childhood up, flipping through the pages of my life, and I am finding the answers, with all the clues, that were alway's beneath the surface. You see, I love the basic person I am, and alway's will be, I was lost underneath the layers. I was trapped by all the outside and inside influences that I let overwhelm me. Not, by thinking they were right, just trying to go with the flow, losing myself in the process. The only time I had the guts to really speak my mind, was under the influence, and I sometimes became brutal, in my verbal attacks, alway's with regret and apoligies.

This is a brand new journey in my life, yes it encirles the people I love, but now that I'm loving who I am again, the way I think, and the reconnectedness to my spirit and my soul, I am healing, and I am able to shine with, and in the light once more.

All my relationships are healing, my daughter and I are closer than I even thought possible. I have hurt her deeply with my poor choices, especially with her father, how many times can a little girl beg her mother, to make a home for just the two of us. We don't need him, mom!!! You can do so much more mom, save yourself, save me from this daily abuse. It will work out honey, you will see, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm thought by being strong, it was enough to make it work, and destroyed myself, and my daughter. You see, I had invested oh so many years of my time, on someone elses dream. Breaking my little girl's heart inside and out, thank god not totally crushing her spirit. There come's a time when you realize your investment is never going to come through. It took me 20 years to lose Mr. Investment.

My daughter Sierra, is now almost 21, she is strong, she is tough, she is beautiful and she is talented, and she is angry, resentful and tormented at times. She has two career choices going on, and she wants to be a professional boxer, and with 7 boy cousins, and being the only girl, with a world karate champ uncle, I know she can do it. She could model, she could sing, but no, she wants to fight, thinking her small frame and looks would catch the other girls off guard. I would rather her take it out in the ring, instead of at a party, she has hurt girls, she has a reputation of, don't mess with her and no-one does, she alway's defends the underdog in a situation, just like me. She doesn't drink very often, because she works out. She has some of my best qualities, and her fathers worst. He was the big good looking, kick ass drummer, alway's in a fight, admired and adored by all in public, home was a different story.

I have made my mistakes, the one I regret the most is with my daughter. I'm just here today to say a mother and daughter could not be closer, can talk about, I mean anything, which wasn't alway's the case. Sierra is my shining..........and I will spend the rest of my day's making her proud of me, and she is................

I've been avoiding facing the world until I was WHOLE AGAIN, body, mind and soul, I'm on a new path, and a new journey, looking forward to each morning, I'm on my way. These have been the most valuable 5 months of my life. How it all happened is a mystery and a miracle.

Never fill the void with self distruction.

[clean42day]

it didn't occur to me until you wrote this post.

because abandonment is one of my greatest fears.

I am afraid to be the one to say good-bye...........

even though it's the last thing I want to do..........

"I am now capable and able to let go of relationships that are unhealthy for me"