question about boundaries

[clean42day]

Hi Mike - I thought this would be a good question - not only for me to clarify - but for everyone's information in general.

What are boundaries?

What is thier function?

How do we set them, state them, and uphold them?

and most importantly - how do you know the difference between a boundary and an attempt at manipulation and control?

yeah I know too many questions: But I think they are one of the most important personal developement tools in recovery and I know for myself - they are also the hardest one to practice in action.

I don't ususally recognize I have crossed a boundary until after the fact and then I get all pissed off at myself for Letting myself down.

thanks in advance for your reply.

oh and by the way Happy Valentines day to you and yours.

light and love

Gail

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Originally Posted by clean42day

Hi Mike - I thought this would be a good question - not only for me to clarify - but for everyone's information in general.

What are boundaries?

What is thier function?

How do we set them, state them, and uphold them?

and most importantly - how do you know the difference between a boundary and an attempt at manipulation and control?

yeah I know too many questions: But I think they are one of the most important personal developement tools in recovery and I know for myself - they are also the hardest one to practice in action.

I don't usually recognize I have crossed a boundary until after the fact and then I get all pissed off at myself for Letting myself down.

thanks in advance for your reply.

oh and by the way Happy Valentines day to you and yours.

light and love

Gail

Gail,

What a great series of questions! Here's my understanding of boundaries, their function, and how we can set, state and uphold them.

A boundary can be defined as "Something that indicates an extent or limit."

By that definition, a boundary can be something very clear and obvious, like a fence around a yard, or the solid line down the middle of a road. Or it can be something much harder to perceive. For example, something as imperceptible as the idea that "1 drink is my limit" or "no sex on the first date". In that case, we can certainly see when "the line has been crossed", but then we have to ask ourselves how clear that boundary was actually made in the first place.

Did we really make the line as clear and obvious as a barb-wire electric fence with a moat and fire breathing dragons there to enforce the consequences of the line being crossed? Or was it something we were willing go ahead and let slide a little for the sake of...whatever.

If we cross the line on a highway, drive into opposing traffic the result is immediate and devastating. And even if we climb over someone's fence, there is no question we are disregarding a boundary that someone has clearly set.

Something's are black and white. Here's the line. If you cross it here's the consequence.

But our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, our fears...these things are not always so easy to interpret. They are not even easy for us to always understand within ourselves, let alone expect others to understand what we are thinking and feeling - to expect others to always know our boundaries. That's why we must do everything we can to make our boundaries as clear as possible.

Here is an example:

I have some beliefs that go something like "I should never leave people hanging in the middle of a conversation. I should always do everything I can to help people out as much as possible. It is extremely rude to start something with someone, and then not do everything I can to finish it." These kind of beliefs I would call "Guidelines".

On the other hand, I have some beliefs that say "There is nothing more important than my health. Before I can take of other people I must always be sure I am taking care of myself." These I would call "Rules".

Sometimes, as was certainly the case this week, abiding by one set of rules requires that I disregard my guidelines, and sometimes, to even disregard other rules. Then it comes down to a question of "My Values". My values ask "Based on what's most important to me, what will I do next?"

In this case, to protect my health and sanity this week, I simply took a break from all the people who were demanding my attention. No doubt leaving some people hanging and wondering what the heck was going on, but I have rules regarding my health that are even more important to me than my rules regarding work.

And now I am thinking this is a really big topic and is deserving of more attention than I can give it at the moment, so let me start with this and then we'll talk more about it later.

The difference in the strength of your boundaries and your ability to uphold them, is the difference between what you are convinced SHOULD be done, and what you are convinced MUST be done.

Upholding the consequences is the key to upholding the boundary.

Great questions! Thanks again for asking them, looking forward to seeing where this thread leads.

Mike

And hey! Thanks also for the Valentine's Day wishes!

[clean42day]

tried to reply to this twice today from school and I lost my post

The difference in the strength of your boundaries and your ability to uphold them, is the difference between what you are convinced SHOULD be done, and what you are convinced MUST be done.

Upholding the consequences is the key to upholding the boundary.

Well it looks like I am in the consequences stage then....becasue I have had enough of him constantly pushing my boundaries and then turning it around on me and telling me I am not understanding enough....that I should have more patience. I am moving out of D's house this week.

my heart is broken and it keeps telling me I might be making the wrong decision. But my head says nope - I am doing the right thing. I am definetly not in alignment with myself. but I do know this: we teach people how to treat us and if I don't do this - I am also teaching myself that I cannot honor me.

as much as it hurts - it is the healthiest thing I can do at this point.

don't know where it is going to go from here - but God does. and that's good enough for me

I surrender!

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Originally Posted by clean42day

tried to reply to this twice today from school and I lost my post



Well it looks like I am in the consequences stage then....becasue I have had enough of him constantly pushing my boundaries and then turning it around on me and telling me I am not understanding enough....that I should have more patience. I am moving out of D's house this week.

my heart is broken and it keeps telling me I might be making the wrong decision. But my head says nope - I am doing the right thing. I am definetly not in alignment with myself. but I do know this: we teach people how to treat us and if I don't do this - I am also teaching myself that I cannot honor me.

as much as it hurts - it is the healthiest thing I can do at this point.

don't know where it is going to go from here - but God does. and that's good enough for me

I surrender!

Gail,

No doubt God will now respond with blessings in abundance to this beautiful statement you have made for yourself.

Bravo!

"This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine..."

[Deeters]

There's a very good book "Get Rid of Him." I can't remember the authors name, but if a woman or man reads the book who is dealing with boundaries it's very helpful. Mostly what it talks about is how this other person has affected your life and if you want to be affected by this person any longer. The things she brings out to think about help us make that decision. One thing I did when I was in a similar situation was I made a list of the good things about the person and the things I didn't like about him. It was amazing that the list only had about 3 good things he brought into my life and 15 things he brought that only robbed me of my sanity and my self worth. After reviewing the list, it was more evident than ever that he wasn't good for me.

I understand the pain of learning to be alone again and not have that person who was in our life and gave us those 3 good things. What I learned by walking and crying through the pain is that I was better off without him and it was better for me to get rid of him.

There comes a time in our lives in many situations where it would be good if we said to ourselves, "What am I willing to trade or give up for what I really want?" Life is a trade off. Do I want to trade my sanity, self worth, peace of mind, sobriety for this situation or person? Logical minds would say no, emotions and our alcoholism will tell us different.

I hope today you will begin that list and continue on your journey to do what is best for your life Gail. We have today, this day, the only day we are guaranteed. If you were to leave this world today would you want this person in your life? Would they, do they add to your life or do they rob your life?

It's a tough road letting go of another person. Be true to yourself and continue on your journey of sanity. You will eventually realize you made the best decision in your life.

We are all here to support you and anyone who is struggling with sobriety and life choices.

Have a great day Gail.

Thank you Mike for answering her questions. I was dealing with boundaries yesterday and your words helped me help myself and inspire others at a meeting last night.

May everyone who comes to this page, have continued sobriety by today, this day, the only day....if it were our last.

[clean42day]

Thank you Waldron and Mike

it's great to have good healthy support here

[Deeters]

I love the quotes. Thank you!

Dee

[clean42day]

I am pretty much moved out except for my futon, desk, and bookcase and one large storage bin. A friend is loaning me thier truck for a couple of hourse to move this big stuff.

I guess the reality of this finally set in last night and David panicked - that he might be loosing me for good. unfortunatly - his reaction to keep himself safe is to push me away even further. we are both in alot of pain and in abandonment mode - and I don't want to end this with anger and more damage. I reassured him that I have not fallen out of love with him - but that right now - I must love me too.

I pretty much told him - if there is anything left to salvage that is good between us - that it will reveal itself in time.
I am not completly shutting him out of my life - I love him and I don't want to lose him - but yet I don't know how to keep him and me healthy at this time. I have tried my best and put in my best effort and now it is time for him - to show me - that if he still wants me in his life - he will have to make the same effort and try his best too. His effort will reveal itself in his actions and if it doesn't - I have my answer that maybe this was not meant to be.

Sometimes when you love something - you must love it enough to set it free - and see if it comes back to you.

I know from past experience - that God sometimes gives people back to you in a whole new way. I hope that is the case with David. But only God would know that.

so my hands and heart are now open to recieving something new. What ever that "new" is - God's will be done - not mine.

living life on life's terms sure can get complicated sometimes. I am full of fear, confusion, hurt, faith, hope, regret, excitement, and ambivelance all at the same time.

God take my will and my life - guide me in my recovery and life and show me how to live.

light and love

Gail

[paulm]

I hope you find that something new, that you're seeking. I know that you don't get that point overnight. We have choices today, and with choices come consequences too. I am at the same point you're at need to move out and make room for a miracle.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Originally Posted by paulm

I hope you find that something new, that you're seeking. I know that you don't get that point overnight. We have choices today, and with choices come consequences too. I am at the same point you're at need to move out and make room for a miracle.

Gail,

So many of us get caught up in trying to make "the right" decision, that whatever we decide, we end up stressed about our decision.

Several years ago, I read a book called "Yes or No. The Guide to Good Decisions" By Spencer Johnson. In the book, the author says" "Instead of trying to make "the right" decision, or instead of trying to make "the best" decision, why not just make decisions that are a little better than before?"

While its often really hard to see what "the best" decision is, I find it is always pretty easy so see a path that's a little better than before.

For what it's worth, I personally feel that you are showing more loving kindness and respect for yourself and for David by choosing to make things better for yourself.

If there's anything else I can tell you right now, I'd say that having been down that road too, I can tell you that the quality of life you will gain from holding these higher standards for yourself, is light years beyond the feelings of whatever you think you might be losing now.

It's worth it. You're worth it.