Thought about Using

[janbear]

Thought about using a couple of days ago. They left as fast as they came. I have been grateful since yesterday that i haavent had any more than that. I got to two NA meetings that day and my sponsor now has me doing some writing about my thoughts. I have heard in the program that if you feel far away from your higher power, Guess who moved? So i know my higher power hasnt moved, so evidently i have and that is possibly what brought the thoughts on. I just hadnt any thoughts like that in so long i forgot what it felt like and how at any time my disease can rear its ugly head especially during difficult times as these with my father passing.
I guess i am looking for reminders from anyone that this is not an excuse to use. I know at this moment it is no excuse, i just need to keep reminding myself of that any way i possibly can and any input is welcome. I know that if i were to pick up i would be of no use to my mother and sisters or anyone for that matter.

[peajaye]

You're right about it wouldn't help your sisters and mother, but it also wouldn't bring your dad back, or undo the fact that you need to walk through your grief, no matter how llong it takes. It is a sad time in your life, but sadder still would be a life given to drugs.

Sometimes when I think of using, I have what I call my flash memories. In a flash, my first step conjures up some bad things that happened when I was using. I am not responsible for every thought that comes into my head, but I am responsible for how long I allow it to stay. Another slogan is that I am not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery.

[Prescott]

Hi janbear, Stress, grief/depression all have a way of invading our inner peace.
I remember when Barbara passed how I questioned my faith and higher power. I felt Barbara was such a better person than myself and so much younger why take her when I was willing to go. I had throughts of using, it's only reasonable to have these throughts. Our own mortality comes in to focus
on top of everything else. I was not myself, I wasn't thinking clearly and what i learned is that it's to be expected. Thats why it's called grief.

I am not responsible for every thought that comes into my head, but I am responsible for how long I allow it to stay. Another slogan is that I am not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery.

PJ said it very well. You have allot of pepole who dearly love you, let them carry you though these tough times and lighten up on yourslef. I believe we will never trully understand loss and how we respond because everyone is different. But in time my faith returned and then I realized it never left. The questions I had raised with my H.P. had also cemented my faith even stronger. We are here for you in the fellowship of the spirit and love you very much.

[Cindy42]

Thanks for sharing. I know the first time I had a thought of using after being sober a while it really floored me.....but I talked about it QUICKLY and my sponsor reminded me it was just a thought. My mind is a dangerous place....can not go alone or unarmed. These thoughts are reminders that my disease is alive and well and just waiting to pounce. But we have tools today, God, the 12 steps and the fellowship. And as for this thought or your loss being an excuse to use, for me I know I can use ANYTHING as an excuse to use. One Day at a Time and do the next right thing......THANK YOU GOD I am SOBER TODAY. You are doing all the right things, meetings, sponsor and getting the junk from your head, and expecially making sure your relationship with Him is right. This too shall pass.....Thy will, not mine be done. Thanks for letting me share.

[sarah]

I have thought to yet i know today i dont have use drugs

hang in there reach out it get beeter call friends and people who sober today and have found a new way to live with out drug i know i had a bad using thoughts 3 day yet iam still clean when iam week i call and call and give it to god

[janbear]

Thank you all for your replies, they helped. Think i will walk to a meeting now. We have a speaker meeting tonight.

[dragonone]

Glad you did not use Janbear...

[janbear]

The speaker meeting was real good and spoke to me again i heard those words "There is nothing worth using over". I am fixing to head to a 9pm candlelight meeting in the next town over.