weekly Recovery meeting Topic - Negotiating Conflict - 4/4 - 4/11

[clean42day]

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Negotiating Conflicts

Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means learning to stay and deal. It's about building and maintaining relationships that work.
--Beyond Codependency

Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with friends, family, loved ones, and at work -- problem-solving and conflict negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.

Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.

Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.

Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate. In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.

Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.

To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.

We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.

Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

I know in my own life - when I try to escape, duck, or dodge a problem with a person or a particular issue - it pops up again and again challenging me to find a way through it.


You can share on any of the reading above about negotiating conflict and problem solving.
But I would also ask: How do you use the steps and principals to deal with conflict and problems in order to work through them to the other side of harmony or freedom.
Thank you for your participation.

light and love

Gail

[Camel]

I find when I run away from problems, it is not much different from when i was drinking. Instead of running to the bottle, I would run to something else to keep my mind off of it. Ie. Eating, Sex, or preoccupying my mind with music or games. The only difference today, is I am avoiding my problems less, and dealign with directly. Sometimes I may need to get myself away, or take time for an response, I may need to call my sponser.

In the past I couldn't be honest with my self in others. I would lie to avoid humiliation, or to admit my faults. By the grace of God I have become more honest, and have found people respect honesty... and I don't have to worry about getting lying. Life is much simpler doing things one day at a time, step by step and doing the best I can... Everything will be OK, as long as I work my program, and live an honest life.

[sioux]

As my sponsor reminds me, that which I resist continues to persist. Admission and surrender are always the first steps to a solution for me.

[Camel]

I also learned in sobriety that sometimes patience and tolerance is the answer to my problems. Today I try to be more patient with people in the face of adversity. I can reflect back on the times that people have shown patience and tolerance towards me, and would like to show others the same respect.

[DavidNOLA]

I like to handle things as soon as I can these days. I just changed sponsors and the task of calling my old sponsor to tell him I was doing so was daunting at first and when my cell rang and I saw he was retuning my call that old feeling of avoiding the issue came up. But today I can choose to face things head on. And I answered the phone and told him what was up. Of course it was all smooth and he understood and was actually a little relieved because he has a 8 week old son to take care of.
If there are issues I can't face immediately then I know I am not alone and can find someone in recovery like my sponsor or another member of AA to help me out. I also have the gift of the daily 3rd step and the ability to use the Serenity Prayer to restart my day if needed.

I like what Camel has to say about tolerance. The practice of using As Bill Sees It on a daily basis was one I picked up at 60 days sober or so. It really helped me out and still does today. Especially the reading on tolerance. Learning to tolerate others was something I never did up until now. I thought I was tolerant but in reality I was just part of the debating society and if you didn't agree with me then you weren't credible or a friend etc.
Today I find myself not engaging in trivial disagreements and am able to solve most problems with people by seeing through the problem and talking it out or when necessary by keeping my opinion to myself. I find practicing the golden rule and being aware of when I don't helps to me to practice tolerance.

As Bill Sees It
312



Tolerance Keeps Us Sober



"Honesty with ourselves and others gets us sober, but it is tolerance that keeps us that way.



"Experience shows that few alcoholics will long stay away from a group because they don't like the way it is run. Most return and adjust themselves to whatever conditions they must. Some go to a different group, or form a new one.



"In other words, once an alcoholic fully realizes that he cannot get well alone, he will somehow find a way to get well and stay well in the company of others. It has been that way from the beginning of A.A. and probably always will be so."



LETTER, 1943