ACA's No Crosstalk Rule

[zeus]

Hello everyone,

I really like the ACA Crosstalk Rule it is so different of an approach than the other 12 Step programs I have been exposed. Sometimes just having someone listen is so wonderful instead of them giving advice or interpreting my shares. Sometime I am just expressing feelings and it is nice to be able to do so freely without judgement etc... Finding my voice and sharing my feelings, risking exposing my inner child to others is not easy.

I am glad the primary purpose of ACA is to have a "safe place" to share. I was never allowed to share my true feelings around my parents except maybe happiness. I became my mothers little puppet. Anger or any other shared emotion was picked apart and interpreted for me. This led to lots of mixed and confused feelings growing up (and codependency).I realize I also give alot of unsolicited advice and I am working on this.


How do others feel about this No Crosstalk Rule...safety in meetings etc?


Progress not Perfection

zeus


THE ACA TEXT

page 573-574


Crosstalk


Some groups incorporate a definition of crosstalk into their meeting

format. This definition is usually read just before the group begins

a discussion on the meeting. The term "cross talk" means interupting,

reffering to, commenting on, or using the content of what another

person has said during a meeting. Cross talk also refers to any type

of dialog that occurs as the meeting is in progress as well. Members

talking to one another or discussing what someone has just said is

cross talk.


Many ACA members come from family backgrounds where feelings and

perceptions were judged as wrong or defective. In ACA, each person

may share his or her feelings and perceptions without fear of being

judged or interuption. In ACA, we create a safe place to open up and

share. As part of creating that safety, cross talk is not permitted.


We respect these boundaries for two reasons: First, when we were

growing up no one listened to us; they told us that our feelings were

wrong. Second, as adults we are accustomed to taking care of other

people and not taking responsibility for our lives. In ACA, we speak

about our own experiences and feelings; we accept without comment

what others say because it is true for them. We also work toward

taking responsibility in our lives rather than giving advice to

others. Here are various forms of cross talk:


Interrupting


Each member in ACA should be able to share, free from interuption.

When someone is sharing, all others should refrain from speaking,

including side conversations with a neighbor. Gestures, noise, or

movement could also be considered interruption if it were grossly

distracting.


Referring to


In ACA we keep the focus on our lives and our feelings. We do not

make reference to the shares of others except as a transition into

our own sharing. A very general "what's been brought up for me is..."

or the occasional "thank you for sharing" is fine, but please do not

make more detailed references to another person's share.


Commenting on


In ACA we accept what each person shares as true for them. We go to

great lengths to avoid creating the climate of shame that enforced

the three primary rules of a dyfunctional family: don't talk, don't

trust, don't feel. In ACA, we simply do not make a comment either

positive or negative about another person's share before, during, or

after a meeting. In like manner, we never speak about the contents of

another person's share. everything that is shared in an ACA meeting

is considered priveleged and confidential and must be treated with

the utmost of respect. Unsolicited advise can be a form of commentary

and should be avoided.


------------ --------- --------- -------


This is from an ACA meeting format:


Before we begin the meeting, I would like to mention that we do not

"cross talk" in the meeting. Cross talk means interrupting, referring

to, or commenting on what another person has said during the meeting.


We do not cross talk because adult children come from family

backgrounds where feelings and perceptions were judged as wrong or

defective. In ACA, each person may share feelings and perceptions

without fear of judgment. We accept without comment what others say

because it is true for them. We work toward taking more responsibility

in our lives rather than giving advice to others.


Fixing others: Learn to listen


"In ACA, we do not touch, hug or attempt to comfort others when they

become emotional during an ACA meeting. If someone begins to cry

during a meeting, we allow the person to feel his or her feelings

without interruption. To touch or hug the person is known as "fixing".

As children we tried to fix our parents or to control them with out

behavior. In ACA, we are learning to take care of ourselves. We

support others by accepting them into our meetings and listening to

them. We allow them to feel their feelings in peace."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -


Also I feel this is very important:


ACA text

page 576


"We want to balance keeping our groups safe from cross talk with our

own responsibility to educate new members about group decorum. In

most cases a gentle reminder works."


Thank You

[zeus]

In all honesty,when I first came across this no crosstalk rule I thought the people that made it up were probably cold, uncaring, unfeeling people. I thought it was sort of like going to the zoo and seeing these starving animals and then seeing the sign "Don't Feed the Animals" sign. I just know they are all starving to death.

I am learning more about ACA recovery and slowly learning the importance of keeping the focus on myself and giving others the respect of simply listening. I do see how important this rule is especially around codependent and controlling, enabling people (including me).

I really can twist things other people say anyway. John Bradshaw calls this twisting what others say "audible hullucinations" example: The one partner says "Wouldn't this trip be nice?" and the other partner hears "you are a bum and don't make enough money to afford this trip". Yeah, I do that....I can twist what others say and I have also been crosstalked where there was no doubt at all that they were being abusive.

I was told to use lots of "I" statements and yet I have also seen people doing covert crosstalk using "I" and "We" statements in which case I was taught to trust my instints and just see how I felt after the person spoke.

I was told using the word "you" sometimes appears attacking. Anyway this has taken my recovery to another level. Relationships with others is easier when I learn to communicate and/or when I am showing the ultimate love by simply listening.

zeus

[Im12]

Ahhhh..... To Simply Listen;

For me that has been one of the hardest things to do. Part of listening is to be there in the moment. To be aware of what is being said as well as how it is being said. For me, as a child I never felt that I had anything important enough for anyone to listen to and now, when I attend the meeting to have my fellow members, who listen to me. This has made me feel like I mattered, I can be honest and it really mattered. The drama could be left out and I could just talk about what I was feeling, and it mattered. Instead of feelings like I do not fit in, or like I am so "Different" I feel like I have found a home - "Home- a place to feel comfort and support".

[soulwishes]

Hi there,

This thread caught my attention as I am just now learning about the rule today and about the ACA in general.

I am still learning about all of this... the cross talk rule and the rules in general of the ACA. I didn't even know the ACA existed before today. To be honest the cross talk rule was the first thing I saw on their forum and it scared me away so I joined this one (which I also just found today).

I felt like discussions about thoughts/feelings were being discouraged at the ACA site - I may have it wrong, I'm not sure. I didn't spend enough time there. But, I WANT to talk about thoughts and feelings. In a discussion format, not just in a "share" format. THough I do see the value of having those types of 'no cross talk' discussions, I also see the value of back/forth discussion. I guess it depends on what you want to get out of your meeting. If the goal is simply to allow people to share feelings without feeling judged or like they are 'wrong', don't fit in, or whatnot, then yes, it's a good rule I agree. But, I dont' know that I like the idea of having no cross talk as a rule in a discussion forum format. At least not for an entire community. Maybe for a segment of the community and that way people who ONLY want to share without cross talk can choose to go there, while people who want debate/discussion can go elsewhere.

I will keep reading/learning, in hopes of understanding the ACA's approach, better. We'll see if/how my opinion changes. Sounds from those who've posted before me like it just might.

[hummingbird]

Hi SW,

Just speaking for myself, one reason why I interact in recovery communities is the sense of validation, that the problem of substance abuse "etcetera" in my FOO was not caused by me and cannot be controlled by me, etc.

Just hearing little snippets of commentary once a week or so from random others at a Meeting is often not enough of a "Reality Check" or a support for me--depending on how often and how regularly I can attend, and what's going on ATM...

I also understand the need to just let others express what they want to, without letting it trigger a "verbal flood" from others, which may usurp the entire meeting time if not structured! Unfortunately, I think you are right, that some people may be put off by all the rules--even though they are necessary for the timely and appropriate governance of a public meeting...

JMHO but I think the written public forum serves a complementary, also vital purpose. Nobody can interrupt you on a written forum, contradict you before you've finished, steal your thunder, etc., ha ha! Also, if what somebody is saying either bores or offends, nobody is forcing anyone else to read it...Just scroll or click elsewhere...At the same time, in a well-moderated forum, the worst behavioral offenses are filtered out.

[soulwishes]

I agree 100% with everything you said HB.

[dmarie]

I agree with HB as well. Being an acoa I find comfort in this format because it helps me feel safe to talk honestly and openly about how I feel or what I think without anyone being able to hurt me because of it. I am finding when I need more on point feedback it's best to get it one on one or online by way of posting questions.

[Im12]

One of the things about ACOA, they suggest that you really try to make as many meetings as possible. This is a great Idea and very important.


I have a very good friend that I have talked with in the past when something was bothering me. I had missed a number of meetings and began to use her as a meeting where you talk about different things with out being told to "suck it up" or stop whining". Well, I spoke with my friend so much who is not in the program that she gave me a little gift that said " Today I will whine and tomorrow I will have the cabernet" - now she was not trying to hurt my feelings, but not everyone understands the need to share and purge the toxic thoughts and ideas out.

Her gift made me laugh because it showed me how much I needed my meetings.
I put it on my refrigerator to remind myself to take care of me.

[meadow]

Hello
I'm new to ACA and new to this forum but not new to recovery. Thank you for posting about cross talk.

Very grateful this a.m. to find this as I was in so much pain.

I WOULD NOT BE HERE AT ALL IF IT WERE NOT SAFE. i believe that

the no cross talk rule is one of the major reasons we can recover serenity.

thanks much
meadow

[CHLee916]

Hi, I'm new and I too love the no cross talk. I admit when I was going to CODA and AL ANON - initially I didn't see the point of no cross talk. I was utterly confused. I attended my first Adult Child meeting and it hit me (like a brick to the face) why no cross talk - I was so busy looking to others to give me the solution to my problem that I was not being present or aware.

I shared for the first time in Adult Children and a light went off for me. It certainly does work...if you work it.