i don't know

[notsure]

I'm confused about what codependence is! I match the profile in some ways - I spent many years with an addicted partner and further years after we broke up trying to help him out of his addiction. I loved him, I still do and don't think I'll ever get over it. Does that make me a codependent?
I don't think of myself as totally unselfish. I think I try to be unselfish but ultimately I'm always selfish. I fear getting close to people because I feel like I'll hurt them or lead them down the wrong path. I fear them depending on me like he did. I hate myself for not being capable of helping him and i feel like someone else could have helped him where I could not.
I can't get over the fact that I couldn't help him. I just can't get over it. Whenever he enters my mind, which is daily, I'm overwhelmed by grief and a sense of failure. I don't see him at all any more, and I feel better that I'm not beseiged all the time, but I don't feel ok. I miss him. I feel ripped off. I feel like a failure. he thought I had the answers I let him down.
Am I codependent or am I just plain old crazy? My mother had a mental health problem and sometimes I think maybe I'm just like her but I don't let people get clsoe enough to me to know how shambolic it really is inside of me. I let my ex get close because he was shambolic too and he understood me on some level most people don't.
Dear God, what is wrong with me? I have wanted to help people in my life - most notably my mother and my ex and I have failed on all counts. I guess this is a confession into cyberspace that I don't get it, I don't understand, and I'm lost. Does anybody else feel this way?

[serenity3]

I hope this is your first step on the path to recovery and claiming for yourself some of the happiness and joy and aliveness that you deserve. The codependance anonymous resources are so helpful...check out the daily readings. the language of letting go is brilliant. the knowledge will just seep in. x enjoy xxx hugs. lots of hugs.



“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech