Am I off my rocker?

[Cookula]

I feel so twisted up in this I can't think clearly.

My mom stopped drinking about a year ago, when she had a seizure because of alcohol withdrawal during a bout of flu. The doctor told her if she drank again, she would die. So, she stopped.

I was 34 when she stopped drinking. I have had a rocky relationship with my mom for 34 years now. I have a better relationship with her now, though she lives her life in a way I would not live mine. Live and let live, though.

Here is the problem. She broke both legs during a binge, and now can't walk right. We have been sending her support money for some time, and she had a lawsuit and unemployment claims out. She is 54. We found out that she will not have any money coming in, so it is on us, basically...which is fine as long as we are able.

My aunt told me that I should just let her move in with me. It would be easier on everyone, and the money we are sending her (rent and utilities plus a little extra when we can, plus she gets food stamps) isn't enough and we can't expect her to continue living the way she is.

Well, she and my husband don't get along. Never have, and thanks to years and years of drunk, abusive behavior on my moms part, probably never will. He works, and I stay home with our kids. Not that the money is his, but I think he is good because he never complains about our having to send her rent money. My aunt says that should be a normal expectation and he should not get any points for doing it. She said he needs to get his big boy pants on and deal with my mom and let her move in. I disagree. Not only can he and my mom not get along, there are a host of other reasons why she cannot move in, and my Aunt is acting like I am being a jerk. She asked me what will happen when she is really old, will I put her in a nursing home. I said, I don't know...maybe. She said that was terrible.

She told me that I need to deal with my issues. I am harboring resentment and trying to make my mom pay for being an alcoholic for the rest of her life. I asked her, "how has my mom paid?" and she said that proved my point. I have not asked my mom for an apology, I haven't asked her for anything. I am trying to help her as best I can, but I don't think the expectation should be that I destroy my home life, marriage, etc. because she spent so many years of her life partying. Or am I off my rocker. Sometimes I think I overthink things and then it all gets messed up in my head and I just can't see or think clearly.

What do y'all think?

[Victoriana]

I think you already have your answers. You obviously have many reasons why you cannot take her in and you are maintaining her at present. This is more than a lot of children of alcoholics will do or could be expected to do..
Have you tried telling Auntie to take her in? She will have her reasons as to why she can't, no doubt. You have yours too. Your Mother is doing very well in staying sober and is an adult. You have your life and your marriage to consider. I realize that you feel a need to help her and I applaud you for that but, personally, I think you need to put your marriage and well being first. Just my humble opinion.
Be well and post often.

[sioux]

I think these are compliated issues to begin with, further complicated by family dynamics. Your aunt's sister cannot come and live with her...why? That would be my first question.

Second, you have a spouse and children. How much more caretaking can you reasonably do or endure.

Third, does mom need to go to a convalescent facility until she can get back on her feet? Are these injuries permanently debilitating? Can she move in with sis after she convalesces?

Maybe the things you can help with are finding her resources, such as social security, disability, state aide such as Medicare and things like that. Maybe that is enough on your part, and those are your "man pants."

Aunty isn't doing any favors here for anyone but herself it seems, unless there is some really good reason she can't help her sis out. I'd start with resources for mom's recovery and survival, then address living arrangements between those two. Maybe your home is last option, and I am one that would and will take in my folks. But my situation is all around different than yours.

And then of course there is prayer...for wisdom, courage, strength, peace and comfort.

Sioux

[skyhook]

Cookula,

I hear the pain in this post and I relate to it on so many levels...some good and some not so much.

I tire of hearing how alcohol is to blame for this or that, that it somehow excuses poor behavior, that somehow the pain one has inflicted on another over time, can somehow be swept under the rug...in the name of family loyalty and the leveraged need to step up and "be big".

Those who can do this, I say "more power to you", because the majority of mere mortals understand that what took a lifetime to tear down cannot be re-built via a u-haul truck and a token monthly stipend. Isn't it enough that we managed to build a life for ourselves, despite our "inheritence".

This is tough on you and your family no doubt. Obviously, the topic has pushed buttons in my own life and my post is not very flattering or encouraging response. I know this.

I think Sioux was right on target.

I am just sick and tired of our addictions or our alcoholism getting credit for poor human behavior. The poor behavior was always there, it just gave the user the false notion that somehow they would escape the consequences of their choices and the bonus of being oblivious during the onslaught of their failure. A convenient hole to stick ones head.

I am tired of the children paying the price. I think sometimes we just want to pay the fine and go home.

Peace and wisdom to you, and please (all) pardon my rant.

[lotus]

Hi Cookula,

I too struggled greatly with my moms drinking/script use, overheard her talking about killing herself, putting her in lock down rehab, seeing her through many addiction induced surgerys thinking it was cancer/death bed. No doubt alot of resentments have built up for me. I have 3 boys of my own, wife and family to care for and I was raging about her and all the chaos around it.

Not being trite, because there are no easier or "right" answers, everyone's situation is different, however, what I have learned through Al-Anon is

1) To keep the focus on myself
2) I didn't Cause the disease (or its aftermath), I can't Cure it (or its aftermath) and I can't Control it (or its aftermath). This is not to say that I don't have choices but all the guilt I felt for having to "fix" everything is misplaced and I can choose what is best for me and my immediate family first, I have a choice.
3) My sponsor says "Put down the bat" and stop beating myself up aka, drop the guilting and shoulding on myself.
4) It is truly a family disease for me, I am in need of recovery as much as my mom. Sounds like your aunt is sick as well.
5) I read to detatch with love, I was am still clumsy with detatching, and the love part is tough so I try to focus more on detatching with kindness towards myself and her.
6) However much I hate the disease, and to me it is a disease like diabetes but much more mentally, emotionally and spiritually complicated, the behavior and choices, my mom has a disease and is sick, she wouldn't choose this (tough for me to swallow but I think deep down true).
7) Despite all the screwed up things, my mom was/is doing the best she can with what she has physicallly, emotionally and spiritually.
8) Ultimately it is too much for me to "handle", I am powerless over it and I have to surrender the entire bag of nuts to my higher power, it takes the stress off me.
9) I can't play Higher Power, I get insane, my mom, my wife, my kids all are under the care of a Higher Power, I can do my best to support all of them physically, emotionally and spiritually, but if I am left a shell of a person, I'm not good to anyone most importantly myself. Just like being on an airplane, they tell you to put on your mask first then help others put on theirs.
10) The slogans are very good for me to slow down my analysis paralysis (which is part of my disease). Easy Does It. Surrender. Turn It Over. One Day at a Time. Live and Let Live. There but for the Grace of HP go I. When my mind is racing I use these as a mantra, I pick one and slowly repeat it.
11) Going to meetings helps me, talking with others affected by this disease and helping others. They say the answers are in the steps, essentially trust a Higher Power, Clean House, ,Help Others.

That's just my experience, I hope some of it may be useful to you, leave whatever is not.

Take it easy on yourself.

Peace,
Lotus