Humor

[admin]

Dressing Down

A minister friend went to the store the other day to pick out a new
tie to wear for an upcoming wedding he had been asked to perform. He
found one that matched his suit but it didn't have a price tag on it.
So he went to the clerk and asked, "Hey, buddy, how much is this
tie?"

He said, "Sixty-five dollars."

The minister said, "What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind
of money."

The clerk replied, "Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around
your neck?"

[admin]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, and jeans.

St. Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kindom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. he stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, Pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."

St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton Robe and wooden staff and enter The Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

[janbear]

Signs You're in for a LONG Sermon



10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the soundman to have a few
(dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus on the back.

4. When the preacher asks one of the deacons to bring in his notes, he
rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit,
the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super
bowl" but it's only November!

[admin]

My four-year-old granddaughter, Amanda, went to the doctor's
office with a fever. The doctor looked in her ears and said, "Who's
in there? Donald Duck?"
She said, "No." He looked in her nose and said, "Who's in there?
Mickey Mouse?"
Again she said, "No." He put his stethoscope on her heart and
said, "Who's in there? Barney?"
Amanda replied, "No, Jesus is in my heart. Barney is on my
underwear."

[admin]

My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually
repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious
food. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen."

One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the
trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family
and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying
from the heart.

But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then
dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer
prayer," he said. "My food is still too hot."

[admin]

FOUND IN AN ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETIN

Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others

need apply.



PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry

light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have

sufficient vision to see the director.



EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons

who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower

at some time.



BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service

of God.



FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the security

of social fellowship with other choir members.



HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings.

There is occasional opportunity for overtime.



RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes getting

too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too

hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing.

We are an equal opportunity employer!

[admin]

Several years ago, our new assistant minister was delivering his first sermon
to the congregation, when an elderly woman in one of the front pews shouted,
"Oh, shut up!" The young preacher, taken aback, stopped mid- sentence, held
on to the pulpit, and, with his mouth agape, stared at the displeased
parishioner. He soon discovered that her harsh words had been directed not
at him but at her squeaking hearing aid.

[admin]

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

[admin]

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

[janbear]

Between the Pages




A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"