abandonoholic

[karinasade]

Can anyone help me clarify why adult children/codependents go back to or even try to make amends with people from our past who want nothing to do with uh?

i've been out of a relationship for 11 yrs. and still i have not 'completed' the past........
P.

[Victoriana]

There are so many reasons that you might do this.

1. You might really want to make amends for past wrongs.
2. You might be afraid to move forward so you try to move backwards.
3. Addicts have a strong urge to damage or punish themselves.
4. Addicts very often try to cling to what is known and resist the new.

Whatever the reason the way forward for you is already known to you or you wouldn't be questioning yourself. Moving forward is the only path to recovery. Be well and post often.

[notsure]

hi karin,
Well, i was wondering if I was codependent and think I must be because I relate so much to the posts in this section. i am the same. I seem to have such trouble letting go of people, even when they've let me down to the point of no return! i don't stop hurting or loving. It's annoying! But in my own experience I know abandonment has been an ever present issue in my life from the age of 12 onwards as that's when things in my family got "complicated". I felt extreme abandonment from my mother when she got mentally ill and from my father too as he just kind of detached himself from our family and I feel horrible leaving anyone, and guilty too, because I never wanted to make anyone else feel abandoned. You call yourself and "abandonoholic", but maybe you're just someone sensitive to abandonment. Sometimes we have to leave people that are hurting us for our own survival, but some of us have a lot of trouble doing that! You're not alone! But maybe it's your own wounds that make you feel this way, and maybe it's time to attend to them. That's what I feel about myself anyway. Thinking of you xxxx

[Booky]

Originally Posted by karinasade

Can anyone help me clarify why adult children/codependents go back to or even try to make amends with people from our past who want nothing to do with uh?

i've been out of a relationship for 11 yrs. and still i have not 'completed' the past........
P.

Hi P,

My opinion is unOrthodox but I get it from having a lot of experience.

The 12 Steps were designed for Alcoholics and so a drunk needs to make amends to those they harmed while codependents need to make amends with those that did the harm.

It is an opposite perspective between reforming an abuser compared to recovering from abuse.

So making amends must be done differently.

For me I had to try for many years to make amends (still trying) with my family-of-origin while they are very hostile and in big denial.

So I had siblings and parents and others that were abusive to me and I am not trying to kiss-up to any of them and I am not apologizing to them but I still do need amends for the past issues.

For me to make amends with some in my family then I had to inform them that I would not support their denials, that I would expose their dirty deeds, and I will not enable any of their their past or present or future abuses.

So I say the way to make amends with a criminal is to put them into jail and rightly so.

Look up "amend" and it means to make things right and to make better.

And I do not see past BF / GF relationships as the same as family-of-origin, because an old lover will often go away forever and they move on, but our family-of-origin is always needed for a codependent person to heal even when that family is a rotten pack of dogs.

My perspective.