White knuckle insanity

[nicknick_78]

I haven't drank since March 2005. I also haven't been to a meeting for a long time. I was recently sent to a drunken family member's house to retrieve his kids for the night. I'm not sure why, but I went into auto pilot. I stopped on the way over to get him a cup of coffee, and was determined to "ruin his buzz/drunk." When I got there, I threw some water on his face to wake him, gave him the coffee, and continued to read him the riot act, as he had driven home and was to be alone with his one year old and four year old, after drinking a couple pints of J.B. I knew better. I compared him to an alcoholic relative. He began destroying his house; punching holes in the walls, smashing dishes, punching me, and blaming me for it all. I stayed until his wife got the kids outside, and then I left, rationalizing that it was better that I took the punches that were meant for his wife. I've been going nuts the last few days since. I suddenly, and strongly WANT TO DRINK, and I know that my butt needs to be in a chair at a table, surrounded by recovering alcoholics yesterday, and I'm planning my next meeting, but any insight into why I did this would be helpful. I knew that there were other people who could have gone over there. I knew that it wasn't a good idea to provoke someone who was drunk. I knew that it wasn't a good idea to be around someone who was drunk. Now I'm confused, and angry. Please help.

[Victoriana]

Hi and welcome.
We are self destructive people aren't we? I know I will go out of my way to put myself in a danger zone given the chance. Thankfully the good folk at meetings keep me on the straight and narrow.
Please get yourself along to a meeting. You know you will be welcomed and loved there. It was, after all, yourself you were angry at.
Please keep posting often and let us get to know you. Great to have you with us.

[DaveH]

nicknick,
Bill W wrote in the 12&12 "few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholic". He also goes on in the same chapter(step 10) to say " we have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified". I always hated that because I use to love "justifiable" anger, it gave me license to do what ever I thought needed to be done. I guess there are two things I can be reminded of by your experience; Other alcoholics behave just like me, like you I would be angry too and I would want to drink.....And there is a solution, I don't have to drink. I echo Victoriana, go to a meeting and talk about it. Dealing with resentments and anger are great topics. You will probably be helping someone else too when you bring it up.
Regards,
DaveH

[lotus]

Hey Nick,

I've been sober also since 2005 feb, I did it through SMART recovery and on my own, essentially white knuckle. I just came back to AA because I needed the fellowship of others dealing with the same crap, I need that and want that, along with the 12 steps and tools therein.

I also go to Alanon because I live in a world of what I think are alcoholics, there I learn to keep the focus on myself and my thouoghts, behavior, I can't control it, cure it and I didn't cause it. Its a family disease including extended family in my case as well. It is progressive. I was sharing this AM I'm real good at anger and fear, sounds like maybe some of that may have been at work for you?

Anyway, I think you are right on sharing and wanting to get to a meeting. I've also heard its a program of action so help yourself and go, maybe give a few alanon meetings a try too, I like the 12 step focused alanon meetings

Peace
Lotus

[McDaniel N.]

been there White Knuckin....I know what it was like. Till A.A. was there at the point to where everything was getting worst...
Now everything is whole lot better.

[nicknick_78]

After some discussion, I've taken a look at some character defects/resentments that popped up that night. I felt entitled to an evening of peace, which was taken from me. I felt jealous that I couldn't "join the party." I succumbed to an urge to assassinate the character of the man who was drinking. I was insisting that he is an alcoholic. I took his inventory for him, and tried shoving it down his throat. And that's just what I can see clearly right now.

[clean42day]

Hey Nick - did you ever make it to a meeting?

[sioux]

Why do alcoholics pick up stick to poke at a hornets nest then complain when they are stung? Well, because we didn't exercise the other options available to us I suppose. It's easier to focus on the external things, people, places than what's going on with our own selves.

Congrats on doing a mini inventory. Those character defects continue to grow when we practice them, but we can't know what they are until we do the work that preceeds and prepares us for the right actions to take. Some amends may even be in order. Ask your sponsor.

I'd say it was a good thing if it got you back into action.

[alcoholrehabcoach]

Originally Posted by nicknick_78

I haven't drank since March 2005...I've been going nuts the last few days since. I suddenly, and strongly WANT TO DRINK...any insight into why I did this would be helpful...I knew that it wasn't a good idea to provoke someone who was drunk. I knew that it wasn't a good idea to be around someone who was drunk. Now I'm confused, and angry. Please help.

NickNick,

Thanks for your post. I've been away from this forum for awhile, many other things on my plate, but the moment I came back, your "White Knuckle Insanity" post immediately grabbed my attention. Let's see how I can help.

First I'm going to offer you a scenario, and then I'll ask you a couple of questions to help you see what I am seeing:

Imagine there was a woman named Veronica who once promised herself to quack like a duck every night before she went to bed. Imagine that for some mysterious reason, a reason that made perfect sense to her, Veronica totally believed that her whole entire life depended on her ability to keep this promise to herself every single night.

Like, imagine that she had made a pact with the devil or something, and she was totally convinced that as long as she quacked like a duck every single night, then everything would be okay. But the moment that she forgot, then her life would become a living hell. Of course that left Veronica with two thoughts always on her mind: "If I quack then I'll be okay. If I stop then I will die."

Now imagine this woman has been diligently quacking like a duck every single night for the last 4 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and a day. Imagine she is totally convinced that her whole entire life depends on her quacking like a duck, and she knows she's just gonna keep on doing it no matter how strange it appears to others. And the reason she keeps on quacking is because she has solid proof that it works! She knows from personal experience that it works, because by doing this crazy thing every single night over the past 4 years, she has totally turned her life around.

Simply by quacking every night, she has come to love herself, she's become a better friend to others, she's more in control of herself, she respects herself, she has gained confidence in herself, so many wonderful things have happened, just because she is doing this one crazy thing that nobody can understand. Not even herself. All she knows is that it works.


That's the scenario I want to give you. Now here's my question:

Is Veronica really free and totally in control of her behavior? Or is she simply compelled to keep on quacking, because she's afraid of what might happen if she stops?

Is she a master or a victim of her thoughts?


Mike
www.highsteadalcoholtreatment.com