Loving Confrontation - Can you handle it?

[janbear]

We don’t always realize when we are getting too close to old addictive temptations. Sometimes we need someone to confront us - a recovering friend or a sponsor, perhaps. And we need to develop a spirit that remains open to hear and take these warnings. How openminded are you to being confronted?

[bluidkiti]

Confrontation? I am better about those today. I sure didn't use to be because you see to confront me about myself usually meant something was wrong with me and there was a time when I was in denial and didn't think I did anything wrong and even if I did I wouldn't admit it and I sure didn't want to be confronted about it then I might have to take action and do something about it. As I said, I am better about confrontation today thanks to God and things I have learned in recovery. When confronted, I listen and then try to take a step back and think about what was said. Pray, wait. If I reply then I can reply in a more calm manner. I will usually talk about it with my sponsor or a close trusted friend or family.

[clean42day]

Well I would say that I don't really like it....but it also depends on the person it is coming from. Close friends and a sponsor that I trust
"get to" pull my covers all the time and I am usually grateful after some thought becuase it has helped me grow. and I stay willing with my close circle of friends because I know they want my highest good.

But people who don't know me well - are usually just projecting their own crap onto me. I try to remain teachable and when someone confronts me about something - I still do run it by a couple of close friends before I allow it to fully penetrate.

Thank God I have enough recovery today to know the difference and to be humble when I need to be, assertive when that tool applies, and bless and accept others just exactly where they are at when they don't have enough information to pull my covers.

I still have to be careful that I don't internalize and confuse being wrong with having done something wrong. Behavior I can change...internalizing being wrong to my core is unhealthy and a form of toxic shame and simply not the truth.

So I don't take confrontation or conflict lightly and just blow it off - but I don't allow others to plant toxic seeds in my soul - that inner part of myself is between me and God and no one else.

Honesty - openmindedness - willingness is the HOW of the program.

[zoomie]

I too am bad at being confronted. It blows me away because I try so hard to do the right thing now days. Noone has tried to confront me in a while except for Bryan. I take what he says to heart and try to change.

[Craig A.]

Good topic and I egree with clean42day. If it is from somebody I trust I take a look at it, cause they are trying to help me grow/mature, if it from someone I don't know as well my sponsor reminds me it doesn't hurt to take a look at it but don't personalize it. It is hard not to judge the other person either cause it is usually their crap being project on you but it is easy to see other peoples defects. I try to always not to react right away if it is wrong or unhealthy cause it would do no one any good. Thank you for the topic!

[Mycool]

I prefer the term "Carefrontation", the truth no matter how painful, is presented from a place of care and concern, not attack.

Conquer the angry man by love.
Conquer the ill-natured man by goodness.
Conquer the miser with generosity.
Conquer the liar with truth."

Dhammapada

[sioux]

I'm not convinced confrontation has a real solid place in recovery. In fact, over the years I have found it to be less of a tool. Sometimes people have to endure the natural consequences of their actions. People like me.

I am blessed to have people in my life that do not intervene, but make suggestions. That's what works best for alkies like me. The minute I think you are "telling" me something or confronting my behavior, I go on the defense. I start to defend my choices. I have to. Ever tell a friend that his/her spouse/boyfriend/etc. is a real looser? Even if they plainly are, that person will now have to defend their association with the looser they picked.

Awhile back I was having some challenges with my youngest daughter. We had become habitual yellers, and all communication was breaking down. Despite my best efforts, I started blaming my inability to control my anger with her as being worn down and out by her foolishness, bad choices, etc., and me bailing her out in an attempt to "help" her. She is 12 and I do in fact have some obligations to teach and correct at this point, but felt all my energies were going into this dance.

A friend suggested to me that perhaps I said too much to her, and could I consider not continually rehashing what had already been discussed with her. Use less words was suggested. She is not hearing anything but the sound of your voice, not the meaning of your words. Nor was she attending to my actions anymore. It was expected behavior and I had to implement the change, such as incorporating punishments and sticking to it.

That was such a gentle and wise observation. I didn't feel like I needed to defend my beahvior, but look at it. And it was true. And it has been helpful. And it has aided in reclaiming a little serenity.

Sioux