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Old 09-24-2009, 12:23 PM   #1
ShanMac
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Dating an alcoholic?

Hi there, I'm new to the forum, I'm glad I found it. I'm not an alcoholic but I think my bf might be. I hope you don't mind me posting here, I'd really like to hear the 'other side' perspective.

I've been dating a man for 3.5 months, we have lots of fun together, he's interesting BUT there's an issue with his drinking. When we first met, he told me that 15 years ago (he was 19), he had a drinking problem, got a DUI and basically hit rock bottom - part of his court order was to attend AA for 6 months but he had a hard time connecting with people who were alot older than him (also his father was also an alcoholic). A month passes and I notice that after work, he'd often have a couple of drinks (sometimes every day). He wouldn't be drunk but knowing his history I had to wonder if something was up. I noticed that when he'd have a couple of drinks, sometime he'd get moody, sarcastic, negative and defensive about things that he had no reason to be defensive about. I brought it up a couple of times in a nice way, that I noticed him drinking every day (just about) but he'd get really defensive and sometimes would say that I'm making him feel bad/guilty, I'm judging him and that he feels like he can't be himself. This was really hurtful to me as I'm really proud of him and felt myself falling in love with him.

Last week, we had a date and for some reason things went really sideways. He was being impatient, mean and again said that he can't be himself around me. We broke up and as I was leaving, he got real and sat me down and said that he felt like he was slipping lately, he feels really guilty about it, he has urges to drink during the week, he feels badly about himself, he's really hard on himself and he knows he gets defensive talking about his drinking unless it's on his terms. I told him how I noticed his behaviour can change when he drinks that he should look into getting help. We talked the next day and he started to downplay the previous nights events. He said he just wants to go back to having some drinks on the weekend, not after work any more - but I'm not convinced that he can have a 'normal' relationship with alcohol, ever. He thinks he just needs to drink less often. He's a high functioning drinker, that's for sure. He goes to work, gets his stuff done around the house, exercises, has hobbies. My questions are: is he an alcoholic? how do I help him? It's hard to bring things up with him b/c I worry about him shutting down, getting defensive and being overly dramatic (e.g. let's break up!).

This is also affecting me and how I feel about myself and our relationship. I have anxiety about this. I just spent a year and a half in group therapy and getting help for myself to deal with my anxiety disorder. I'm a really strong person but I'm really starting to feel muddled and insecure.

Any advice will be appreciated. Sorry for the long post.
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Old 09-24-2009, 12:42 PM   #2
patrickst78
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shanmac
Hi im patrick,also new to the forum, i just wanted to thank you for the post. i cannot really add anything other than i will pray that you find the answer your seeking. i was once told that if everytime bad things happen when u drink, not everytime but whenever instances do happen that you been drinking or using drugs its a sign. have a good day, god bless
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Old 09-24-2009, 02:28 PM   #3
Rocket2d4
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I'm a recoverying alcoholic..
I lived a with an alcoholic that relapsed.

Well...it drove me more batty. What really sucks about that was.
I suffered all the **** consequences and didn't even get to
catch a freaken buzz. To top it off she freaken blamed me for
everything...just becuase it was a Tuesday.

yeah, I learned some retarded lesson..
Not to ever date or have a relationship with an alcoholic/addict
againt. In recovery or not.

Jeezzze....even my ex-wf (a normie) that hated my ass because
of all the wreackage and pains I cuased in her life has alot more
compassion, love and understanding towards me than some alki/addicts that been in recovery for decades.

I read your post Shanmac. There's red flags everywhere.
You mean you're starting to feel immeshed..lol
I say.... run like hell.

3 months is a relative short time.
It's a lot better than 12 freaeken years later. Feeling lonely, alone
and abandent when you're in a relationship is totally retarded.

There's plenty of avaliable people in this world.
You can't change him. You can only change yourself.
You can't save or fix him...You know this.
(you went to group therapy for yourself)
You deserve better than that. Screw guilt.
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Old 09-24-2009, 03:01 PM   #4
BIG AL
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I welsome your posts I would have to say that only he can say if he is a alcoholic.I also have to tell you if he is this is probably only the beginning of the insanity even if he does get sober.We are great folks here.Moody yes undpredictable crazy very.If you are going to stay with him you need to get help.I suggest you run evaluate what going on and try to not do it for him. Be blessed.
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Old 09-24-2009, 03:11 PM   #5
zoomie
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I'm with the poster above, run!!! No need to put yourself in a situation that is only going to make you feel down later on because it will get worse unless he is in recovery or in some sort of treatment for his moods and drinking too.
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Old 09-24-2009, 09:57 PM   #6
sioux
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I can tell you my mode of operation for years as a practicing alcoholic was that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was, and worse than I expected. What that means is that I would minimize my drinking through a series of rationalizations...my car, my ex, my job, my dog, etc. And when these things get better, I will be okay and probably not drink so much. Or it was a great day, sunny out, just got paid, blowing of steam from stress, and on and on.

I'd have a bad episode and reach out. The next day the fog would clear and I'd swear to be more on guard about how much and when I drank.

My life was spiraling out of control. I was at the end of my rope, and of course that is always the best time to start a new relationship. It's like going to a different bar looking for a fresh start after everyone at the old bar is fed up with your antics.

How do you help someone like us?

People were leaving me alone. Left to my own devices. It got real lonely, real fast, and that is when I got help. I am sure many people cared deeply for my situation, but out of self preservation or a state of hoplessness, they left me, and I am grateful to them all for their wisdom.
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"We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done." P 130, Alcoholics Anonymous
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Old 09-25-2009, 11:57 AM   #7
ShanMac
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Thanks for all the replies.

A quick update: He and I belong to the same social networking site. He posted Thursday night, publicly, that he was white knuckling it and his grip was fading.
When I saw this status update the next morning, I was really concerned that something was wrong. I texted him asking if he was okay. He replied that he was great.

We spoke later that day, I asked him what he meant by such a post and he said he was just screwing around and it didn't mean anything. The conversation then turned ugly when I told him that 'white knuckling' in my world means that you're struggling staying away from alcohol. Long story short, he said he doesn't want to ever talk about his drinking past with me, it's a 'dead horse' and that if I ever bring it up again he won't talk to me.

I feel he was really disrespectful in how he speaks to me about this, he's so defensive. I told him that it's not a dead horse considering that last weekend, he said he couldn't imagine going a Monday-Friday without a drink. I understand that this is HIS struggle but I just wish he could talk to me calmly about it so I could understand. Also I also wish he could understand that I'm confused because sometimes he says it's not a problem and then other times he talks about how drinking doesn't make him feel good about himself.

I'm so confused. I feel like I'm the crazy one. I'm having great doubts about whether he could be a good support to me if I were having problems. His refusal to help me get clear on what's going with him is causing me great anxiety. I'm so sad.
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Old 09-25-2009, 12:31 PM   #8
BIG AL
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lOOK HE CANT TELL YOU WHATS GOING ON WITH HIM BECOUSE HE DOESNT KNOW.HE HAS NO CLUE WHAT TO DO OR WHATS GOOD FOR HIM.IF HE DID HE WOULD OF DONE IT.YOU CANT FIX HIM.HE HAS TO FIX HIMSELF.GOD BLESS YOU I WAS A MASTER AT MAKING MY WIFE FEEL LIKE IT WAS ALL HER FAULT BUT SHE FIGURED IT ALL OUT OVER TIME
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Old 09-25-2009, 12:33 PM   #9
zoomie
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He is just protecting himself so he can keep on drinking. It has nothing to do with you!
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Old 09-25-2009, 12:48 PM   #10
Rocket2d4
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ShanMac

What you're writing is classic, classic co-dependency
traits, behaviors and symtoms.

As you stated you're not totally will yourself and have been
in therapy yourself.

As I stated it drove me batty living with an alki in denial.
In other words I suffered PTSD. My emotions got dragged
through the mud than some. I went tatally in enabling and
got totally attached to her...

However I too had to stop living my own denial.

A well person will drop him like a hot patatoe without
the guilt, shame, worries or conflicts.

He can't give you what he dosn't have.
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