Drunk Humor

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A woman was sick to death of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.

"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married your sister."

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One Friday morning an alcoholic sadly remarked to one of his co-

workers how he hated to see Friday roll around each week. When
asked what he disliked about Friday, he said, "Wal 'tain't that
I got anythin' agin Fridays, but the next day is Saturday an' I
gotta go get drunk an' I sure do dread it."

[admin]

A drunk who was sent to the store by his wife to buy a bottle of Cheer and came home with a fifth of Old Granddad.

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Two drunks wandered into a zoo. As they staggered past the lion's cage, the king of beasts let out a terrible roar. The first drunk said, "C'mon, let's get outta here!" The second drunk made himself comfortable on a bench and replied, "You go ahead. I'm stayin' for the movie."

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A subway was being dug. A drunk stopped beside the excavation and called down to the man at the bottom of the pit. "Shay, whatcha doin' down there?" "Building a subway." "How long's it gonna take to build it?" "Three years." "The Hell with it. I'll take a taxi."

[admin]

A fellow walks up to the shooting gallery at the county fair. He's obviously inebriated, but the guns haven't much range, and he's insistent, so the proprietor took his dollar and let him have at it. Lo and behold, the drunk scored a perfect bulls-eye! The proprietor is peeved, but figures that guy's so drunk he won't notice he's been gypped. Instead of giving the drunk the grand prize (an over-sized stuffed animal), the proprietor hands him a small bag with one of those pet turtles in it. The drunk wanders off happily. About a half hour later, the same guy shows up wanting to take another shot. He's even drunker than before, so the proprietor is astonished when he knocks off another bulls-eye. Once again though, the proprietor hands him a pet turtle in a bag, and the drunk wanders off. An hour goes by, and he's back again, so drunk this time he can barely stand. Still, he scores a bulls-eye yet again! This time though there's a witness, so the proprietor hands the drunk the big stuffed toy. The drunk looks at it for a second then says: Screw this! Gimme another one of them crusty little meat pies!"

[admin]

In many Canadian provinces, the police check on vehicles stalled on the highway when the temperatures drop into the single digits, as a matter of policy. One morning, before dawn, a Royal Canadian Mounted Police Constable responded to a report involving a stalled car in southeastern Alberta. The constable located the car still running and stuck in deep snow along the highway. Pulling in behind, with his emergency lights on, the constable walked up to the driver's door to find a man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka on the seat. He tapped on the window and the started driver awoke to flashing blue lights and a constable standing next to his car. In a panic, the driver threw the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. although the car's speedometer showed increasing speeds of 20, 30, 40 and 50 KPH, the car remained stuck in snow. The constable, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the "speeding" but stationary car. The bewildered and disoriented driver was convinced that the officer was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about a half-minute before the constable shouted for the man to pull over. The man obeyed an stopped the engine. Once out of the car, the drunken driver exclaimed over the RCMNP's special abilities--amazed that a man could actually run 50 KPH. He was arrested still believing that a Royal Canadian Mounted Constable had outrun his car.

[admin]

A fellow with a hangover was working as a laborer on a construction crew one day when the foreman grabbed him and yelled, "How come you only carry four bricks and everybody else is carrying eight?" "I dunno," the sot replied. "I guess they're just too lazy to make two trips."

[admin]

Two drunks wandering through the grounds of the county fair and pausing to watch a group of men having a tug-of-war game. As the contestants strained and pulled on the rope, one drunk said, to the other, "Wouldn't it be easier if they just cut it?"

[admin]

A fellow came home at 5:00 AM, and his wife demanded to know where he had been. "Arrested," he said. "Arrested!" his wife exclaimed. "What for?" "I got arrested because I didn't want to wake you up when I got home. So I figured I'd take my clothes and shoes off before going upstairs." A glint of suspicion in her eyes, the wife asked, "Now just how can you get arrested for that?" "Well," he said, "when I got upstairs I was in an elevated railway station."