Erika's Story

[ErikaD981]

As a child I felt different. I had this disease long before I picked up the drugs. I never felt whole. I isolated and longed for approval and acceptance. I acted our for attention. I lied. I had obsessive compulsive behaviors. As a teenager, I liked to hang out with friends and have a good time, but I still always felt different. At some point, I tried drinking alcohol, as many individuals do in their lifetime. I loved the way it made me feel and I went back for more. There was a point when I wouldn't have thought about trying certain drugs. Having met some people who were into other things aside from alcohol, I eventually thought about trying those things also. I was always a good student and wanted to make my parents proud, but always thought I was smart enough to avoid the consequences. I asked lots of questions about different drugs but eventually I tried them. I didn't do them often at first, but I liked the way I felt when I was on drugs. I felt like I was invincible and I always felt like I was in control. I felt like I could do anything or be anyone. I felt comfortable with myself. I got into the club scene and took part in more drinking and club drugs. I realized I wasn't having a good time in a club unless I was on something. I tried taking a break and just drank. The drinking escalated but so far my life was manageable on the outside. I continued going to school and holding a job. I watched other people lose their lives to drugs and I watched people's lives fall apart because of them. I thought I was different. Eventually, in college, I got involved in drugs again. I wanted to be someone I wasn't and taking mind and mood altering substances made me someone different. I had finally got out of a negative relationship and was anxious to let loose, meet new people and live the life I felt I deserved as a young woman. I kept going back for more drugs and that time it went too far. I lost focus on school and started spending every penny on going out and partying. I resorted back to the family of an ex-boyfriend who were drug users. They taught me how to manipulate and con even more and there I learned how to go to the streets for my drugs. I learned how to hustle and scam. At first I used for fun, then I would make up different reasons and excuses to use and at this point I used because I needed it to survive. I felt empty inside but just kept filling the voids with more drugs and alcohol. I lost a lot to drugs. I completely stopped going to work and school. I lost lots of money, time, friends, the trust of others and my true self. I disappointed family and did things I never thought I would do. I lost control and as much as I wanted to I couldn't stop using drugs. I become very sick and unhealthy. I put friends and family throught a lot. There was one particular night that I put my family through hell and at that point I realized I had a problem but didn't know how to stop. I gave up my battle and sought help. I tried to get clean and sober through both outpatient and in patient rehabs and meetings. After a few relapses I was finally ready to stop trying to do it my way. Addiction is more than just drugs. It is a disease and the use of drugs was a symptom of that disease. Today I am clean and sober and I do it one day at a time. I go to meetings and I work steps with my sponsor which helped me learn how to live. I needed to work steps because at first I sat around in meetings but I didn't change. Sure I was staying clean and sober but I still had a lot of the old behaviors so I was miserable. When I started working steps I learned how to change and grow and live a much more serene life. I am a work in progress and will continue doing this work because I don't ever want to feel the way I did when I first got clean and I don't have to. I know for me I need to follow the suggestions because I don't always know what's best for me. My life is back on track and I have learned to love me for me. I no longer need anything else from the outside to make me feel good on the inside. There are good days and bad days. There are days I still feel like something is missing but those days are far better than my best day using. The fun of doing drugs was over long before I stopped. Life still has challenges but the program has given me tools to deal with life on life's terms. I'm grateful for where I am today, but the battle to get here was one of the hardest obstacles of my life.

[Doraine]

I was introduced to drugs by my young Aunt and her friends. I lived dangerously because I would take anything offered to me. The hardest and most rewarding thing I ever did was to get and stay sober.