New: Fiance of an alcoholic

[Kambry]

I hope I'm in the right place here.

My fiance (J) is an alcoholic. Depending on the day and his mood, he'll agree with me.

I moved from another state to be with him, 3 weeks ago. I start work at the job I had lined up before moving, next week. Before I came out here, we talked several times at length about his drinking, and his anxiety disorder, and many things tied to the drinking and the behaviors that keep him from taking any control over his life or seeking help with the alcoholism. I told him, and he understood, "I will not spend my life with an alcoholic who is not actively working toward, or in, recovery. If you're willing to work for recovery, I'll walk it with you every step of the way."

Since I got here, he's drinking 40 or more cans of beer a week, has gone out twice to bars with friends who drink and come home so drunk he was barely able to stand without stumbling. We knew that the finances would be tight this first month and planned ahead for that. In the last week, he drank the entire grocery budget for the month. I couldn't say much because that was money in his account that he had saved for us to use for food.

We've had some mild arguments (we never really fight loud or get mean with one another, even when he's drinking), and we've had a lot of hard talks. He always says he doesn't want to drink, that he can't stop worries him, that he wants help... then he gets too afraid to make the phone call and I refuse to make it for him. He's afraid if a counselor or a treatment center know, everyone will know and he will be outcast from the world. "Everyone will know I'm insane" is the common line.

I'm not thinking I'm perfect. I'm not sure where this is going to go for us. I hope, after 16 yrs of friendship, that we'll get through this. I know I'm just starting the battle. I also know that all resolve aside, I'm not yet willing to give up. I can't save him, but I'm hoping he'll realize he can save himself.

On the up side, I have his family and most of his friends behind me. Even a couple of his friends who drink have agreed not to allow him to go with them when they go for a drink anymore and not to have alcohol at their houses when they invite him over. He is left with little or no refuge, and a stack of people who are willing to say "I love you, I'm here for you, but yes, you're an alcoholic."

He knows that I'm responsible for "organizing the ranks against" him (as he put it to me). He isn't real pleased, but I asked him outright if he wants me to go and the response was that no, he doesn't, that it'd be far worse on him for me to leave. He did ask me to let him handle this on his own, to "trust" him to handle his drinking. I told him if I thought he could handle it, I wouldn't have made it a topic of discussion. He went to his aunt (who raised him) and tried to complain and as agreed, she backed me.

Right now, he's asleep, 9 hrs sober because he got mad and is determined to "prove it" to us all.

I realized after the round today, though there were no harsh words exchanged, though he hasn't closed off emotionally at all, that holding this line and refusing to give him room to hide is going to take all I have. I need support, from others who are there, or have been there. I've never dealt with alcoholism in someone close to me before. I'm starting to feel like maybe this isn't the right choice, and that maybe I'm in for more than I bargained for. At the same time... I know myself and my own limits. I also recall that he wasn't always like this. I'm just not sure what to do, to be honest. It's not time to walk away yet.. but can I do anything to keep that time from coming? I just do not know.

And I just rambled all over the place. I apologize. I do that when I'm thinking.

Anyway, just hoping to be able to glean ideas, or at least supportiveness from others in the same situations, or who've been here. I'm on foreign soil now and really could use a map or a good set of landmarks!

[aslylilfox]

welcome!!!
My first hubby was an alcoholic..I think you have taken a great first step to taking care of YOU! and you are wise to seek counsel and help before you let things go any further than being engaged. So far, he hasn't shown any proof of his words to you as far as taking steps to help his addiction. I can only say that if things continue as they are? you indeed will be treading dangerous waters.
with my alcoholic, at one point my then 5 yr. old daughter and him sat together crying, after she dumped his beer and pleaded with him not to drink anymore.. He vowed to her her would not... and then later that day drank over a case.. sometimes the most loving thing we can do for those we love? is to let go... and let the God ...

[zoomie]

HI and welcome. Have you tried looking up alanon? I heard it's a great place for people who are dealing with love ones who are still drinking. I'v lived with active alcoholics and non active, and they can be so sweet when they have a program. It takes time and effort,but one thing is for sure is that they cannot do it alone.

[Kambry]

Originally Posted by aslylilfox

So far, he hasn't shown any proof of his words to you as far as taking steps to help his addiction. I can only say that if things continue as they are? you indeed will be treading dangerous waters.
<snipped heavily>
sometimes the most loving thing we can do for those we love? is to let go... and let the God ...

Thank you for the welcome. Reading about your daughter made me want to cry.

You're right that he hasn't shown any proof of taking any steps. I told him outright that if it were about me, my heart would be crushed. As it is about him, not me, it just aches because I know he can do this and he knows I'll walk the road with him, but it's all his choice. (I think he's getting unhappy about me reminding him that this isn't my choice or my task to take on. He keeps asking me to call and make appointments and such, but I know that's just a way to keep him codependent on me... and I don't want that.)

As for the thin ice, I know. I've given him until the end of March to be actively in treatment. If he isn't (and calling about getting an appointment on March 28th isn't gonna fly), then I'll move out. Why such a far-off deadline? Mostly because I just moved 2,000 miles and need to work a little and build up the bank account so I can afford to move again! ;)

Even so, I told him I won't be moving out to end the relationship with him unless that is what he wants. I'm just not going to share a home with him unless he's sober, and also added that if he intends to see me after I move out (if it goes there), then he will have to be sober when he arrives and remain sober the entire time he is with me.

That's where the line is... I know that him loving me won't determine whether he crosses that line or not. I know that he does love me, every bit as much as I love him. But this... this is about his addiction, not about our love. If loving me "enough" would make him sober, he'd have never taken the first drink. Maybe though, just maybe, he and I can be one of those couples that I have heard about... where they admit freely that loving one another is what brought them to beat addictions and other issues.

[Kambry]

Originally Posted by zoomie

HI and welcome. Have you tried looking up alanon? I heard it's a great place for people who are dealing with love ones who are still drinking. I'v lived with active alcoholics and non active, and they can be so sweet when they have a program. It takes time and effort,but one thing is for sure is that they cannot do it alone.

Thanks Zoomie. It's knowing that he can't, and won't do it alone that keeps me trying right now, that and the rest of our long history.

I did look up an alanon chapter in the area (there are several, it's a big city), but I wasn't terribly impressed when I met with one of the leaders to talk about what the group is really about and was given some spiel about how I'm co-dependent and I'm enabling J and if I love him I'll leave him. *boggle?*

I'm not allowing him any shelter, I'm not covering for him, I'm not stepping out of social commitments because he can't or won't go... and I have an exit plan that he's aware of and knows me well enough to know that I'll follow it through. I might be missing something, but that doesn't say "co-dependent" to me?

Anyway, my hope is, of course, that he'll realize the support and the love he has, from me and others around him, and be willing to go on with treatment. First, I'm thinking he'll have to get around to admitting he's an alcoholic every day, not every few days? I just know, leaving him isn't going to fix this. He can't do it alone... no one can or there wouldn't be support groups.