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Old 03-14-2010, 10:27 AM   #1
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Question When to say goodbye to your addict

I'm a newcomer, my husband a crack addict. I've been hanging in there for 17 years of his addiction, 23 years of marriage. I asked him to leave, again, 2 months ago. He's now 2000 miles away, trying to do the right thing, living with a friend who is kind enough to give him a job and help him get by.
The thing is yesterday he made no contact with me until late in the day, states he "lost " his paycheck and the cell phone must have not been working right because he tried to call me. We have talked every day since he left, every morning, every lunch, every evening. So I know his story is bull. But he insists he didn't mess up. So it makes me question myself, my intuition, and what I believe is truth, as learned by my long history with him. Is there anyone out there that goes through the same thing? They make us question our own sanity, by their insistance of what they call the truth?
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Old 03-14-2010, 11:03 AM   #2
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I am so gald that you found us. What you are experiencing is common, please take time to read the "stickys" at the top of the "Friends and Family" forum:
also take time to browse the different posts. You will see that you are not alone. I also suggest you seek an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting for face to face support. You will people who have gone through the same thing you are and have the tools to enable you take care of yourself. Please keep coming back and posting.
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Old 03-14-2010, 02:46 PM   #3
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Thanks for your comment. I have done the al anon and nar anon thing in the past. Haven't been to a meeting in a long time. But I guess it wouldn't hurt to get back to one. Even with this distance apart, his failures affect me, because I still need his financial support. Going from 2 incomes to one , when we were living paycheck to paycheck anyway, it's scary. Thinking I'll lose my home and all the bills are piling up.I try to stay positive, but after all these years, it's hard to tell myself that I'll ever be okay financially. Luckily his mom is supportive , emotionally and financially , as much as she can be.
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Old 03-16-2010, 02:56 PM   #4
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Yes, have been through what you are going through now. I will say this is my best synopsis of my relationship...I have been pulling one of those little red metal wagons, upside down on the pavement while my husband sits on top begging me to help him while breaking with his feet. When I finally let go of the pull handle, I found that it no longer matters what he wants, but what I want out of this life. I am really free now from the bondage of his disease.

Whether he ever reclaims sobriety or starts a path of recover is now up to him. There are no more contingencies for me. I wish him the best, but my decisions are no longer contingent up whether he does this or that thing. I am moving on with my own life.

He too is many miles from home. Old habits die hard. He tried to call a lot, do the routine. I finally told him we were divorcing. Then came the denial, the fruitless apologize, the insistance he was in recovery. I reiterated my position, and now he is angry and doing all the hurtful things he can to us, and to himself.

I know there is a beginning and middle and an end to this maddness. It is hard to go through this. I had to ask myself some honest questions, and had to come up with some honest answers. Here's what I learned about me.
-I do not want to be a part of his recovery or his relapse.
-I have worked harder than he has at this relationship.
-Each incident has been worse than the last; history reveals that more will come if I allow it to continue; I no longer have the strength and desire to put in anymore effort and I have to abandoned the false hope for our marriage.
-I know we can never go back.
-I have lost respect and love for him that cannot be reclaimed.
-I want to start my life over without him and believe that I can with the help of friends, family and My Creator.
-I do not believe my Creator wants me to live like this anymore but wants me to be happy, joyous and free. There has been little of any of that these last 5 years.
-I will survive and thrive. I have a Program of Recovery.

Blessings to you in your own personal assessment.
"We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done." P 130, Alcoholics Anonymous
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