zoomie's story

[zoomie]

When I was growing up, alcohol had a huge impact on my life. It seemd that the people who hurt me where drunk at the time. I got raped at 3 years old by a drunken man who just walk into our house and took me out of bed while my mom was passed out drunk. I got raped not more than 5 feet from her. I remember looking up at my mom while I was on the floor and she was on the couch begging her with my eyes to please wake up and save me. The man told me he would kill me and my mom if I said a word. He then took me out of the house and I don't remember much more after that. My mother drank a lot and always had parties. I liked the parties because we would have other kids to play with and the adults seem to be nice while drinking. My mom had problems though with trying to ace herself,so us kids where sent to foster homes a few times. At about the age of 7 my mom met up with another active alcoholic, he seem to really like little girls if ya know what I mean. I spent several years of my childhood trying to be invisible so he would not notice me and make a pass at me. I found peace at school and tryied to be the best little student,but it was hard being I had a learning disability at the time and did't know it. I thought I was just dumb and my family did too. It did't matter though that I had to try hard in school, I was always the teacher's pet being I would not leave them alone because I craved so much attention.
Things changed though once i hit JR high. That's when I started to drink and do drugs and found boys! I took my first drink at age 12 on New Years even at a friends. We where playing barbies and she asked me if I wante dto try a screw driver, I was excited! I wanted to be grown up and it was my right to passage into adulthood or so I thought. My drinking and drug use took off after that. I tried stopping a few times in my teens wanting to be a good girl,but I always went back. By the time I was 15 I was sneaking into bars wearing nothing but a skirt and bathingsuit top to make me look older. Growing up in California you could get away with that back then. Can't say my memories of them times where bad. I had a lot of fun with my girlfriends and did a lot of concerts,parties and went to the beach everyday. Needless to say I never went to school and dropped out in 11th grade. At 17 I was drinking a lot and doing speed and coke. I use to drink like 20 drinks a night and do my coke and still want to party the next day! I had a high tolerance for alcohol,but I also exspericanced my first DTs at age 17 or 18 with the feelings of bugs crawling on me and shaking and heart racing. I called the ambulance and they never asked me about drugs or drinking thy just told me I was having a panic attack. At that time too my mom was in the hospital in a coma after taking an OD of pills and drinking (yet again). We both made it through and I thought at that time it was time to leave the nest and go to nursing school.
Nursing school was a trip. We did lots of parties,but I was also the only white girl in this school. It was ran by the LA Job Corps. I did manage to get my GED with very high scores ( I just don't know how), I was hung over the two days of the test and just marked the test any old place just to get the hell out of there. I guess God wanted me to have a GED because I sure did't earn it. i dropped out of nursing school to go to hair dressing school, I dropped out of that too and out of college. I went throguh many different jobs and drank through most of them. i would not drink on the job,but I did have massive hang overs or just would not go into work becuase I was hung over. Same with men and jobs, always a new one every few motnhs. When I was 21 I thought getting married would straiten me out with partying and men.
My marrige last 3 years and it was an abusive marrige.
My ex was controling like my mother and his family hated me. I was still a party girl and still partied even when I had two boys. I tried to be a good little wife and mother,but the parties kept calling me out and I would stay out all night usally messing aorund with a guy.
A friend of mine suggested an AA meeting,so i went and heard a woman speak. I felt she was telling my story and my mother's story. hating my mom ike I did, I did't want to end up like her. The woman talked about Detox and I felt I needed to go. I aksed my husband if I could go and he thoguht it was a good idea that I would be more controlible if I went. So a week later after my 24th birthday I was in a detox. O boy what a detox that was. I saw flames coming out of the ground, I saw beer bottles on the table int he detox thinking that the people in there was trying to play tricks on my mind. i was real scard and cried a lot. The detox suggested a rehab, so I aksed my husband if I could go thinking i was going on a nice little vacation. LOL, I never worked so hard in my whole life as I worked at the rehab. In the rehab they told me that if I went back to my ex he was going to kill me or I'd kill myself being I was so abused by him. I said "fine with me" never thinking that i was leaving my sons for good. I then went to a halfway house. i did't fit in becuase my gaurd was up so high and I got involved with a guy in antoher half way house. So, after the halfway hosue I shaked up with this guy and got pregnant. I signed the papers saying my ex could have custody of my boys being I was alone and pregnant. I had no money and no one on my side to help get my boys back. Of couse back then I did't think my life was unmanaible LOL. here I was just 26,sober I was but not much els wanting to take care of tow little boys when I could't even take care of myself. My guy that I was living with was active and I tried hard to get him back into recovery. it did't work out,so I took my new baby and got a place on my own. She was just 2 when I started back to school.
I was sober when I went back to school. I got my degree in paralegal. I made the dean's list the national dean's list, the president's list and won many scholorships and awards all because I was sober my last GPA was 3.75. I was going to an alcohol and drug center at the time too,but the cousler I was seeing told me I was not an alcoholic and that I only abused alcohol and that I should be carful if I ever drank again. Well,that just gave me permission to go off and drink and drink I did!!! I bought pints of hard alcohol to hide in my pantry to help me sleep at night. Soon after I started to drink I was getting my DTs back. I did't know what they where, i just thought i was crazy.
Again no one ever told me I had DTS,so I did't know what they where until many years later. I met a man and married him thinking I wanted to settle down and raise a family he was an active alcoholic like me. Can't say all my drinking was bad and I did have good times again,but deep down I knew I was doing wrong after all the treatment I went through. I was out there after a number of years sober for a few years. One night when I was detoxing i went to a recovery web site and found my way back to AA again. In two years it took me a few relapses to get a hold of sobriety again. I had missed the fellowship of AA from back when I was sober,but was not ready to surrender to being an alcoholic. During my drinking I would always drink on important accassions that I needed to be sober. I remember having an important PTA event and being to hung over to really do the event and went home and slept off the hang over after falling that morning with my face in a box full of donuts I was carrying for the event LOL. I skinned my knee and lots a few dozen donuts in the process. My road to recovery was rocky. I'd be sober for a few months and stop going to meetings only to say "I'm not an alcoholic and I can drink". I'd toss away my big book and coins and throw away my phone number. I'd go to a place where for sure I thought no one in the program would shop at and buy my beer there. I'd run into a few fellow alcholics and lie to them that I was doing OK. i was not doing OK. Even when I was nto driniking I was still sluring my words. My brain was turing to mush. O yah, I forgot to add I eneded up ina loonly been a couple of times because of my drinking funny how we forget the bad stuff. What fot me sober this last time was I slipped after having many months clean. I drank 2 beers and had a half of one of my medications (I also drank and used medication,not a good combo). I threw in the towle and surrendered. Telling god if he would let me live I'd do anything to stay sober. I had a huge fear of dying back then and thinking my drinking was going to kill me if I did't stop. A quiet thought popped in my little head and the thoguht was simply AA. I surrendered and wne tot a meeting. In that meeting I saw a man that was always nice to me and asked him to be my sponcer. I sat that night at the meeting with him right next to me holing my hand. I was shaking mostly from fear for I could not really have a detox after two beers,but I made it through that meeting and worked with my sponcer on all the steps. He got on my case a few times for havign an asshole attitude LOL, but he humbled me like no one els could. See he had cancer and was dying. I really tried to be the best sponcee i could and not cause him embarrassment being I still had a big chip on my shoulder and was an asshole to other members at the time. I did't like being told what to do or to be told to shut up or being told that I really did't know nothing in which I did't LOL. My sponcer died sorry to say,but he left behind an aswsome program and me full of memories of what I'd like to be like. Today I will have two years in a couple of weeks. I can't say that my sobriety has been all roses. I'v faced a lot of chalanges the past two years with a divorce on the way and my 16 year old daughter struggling to maintain her sobriety. The only think I know for sure is that I want to stay sober no matter what. I have wonderful people such as Bry in my life. I just got a new sponcer yesterday and I'm meeting up with a bunch of women in the program tonight for ice cream. I'm not alone any more! When I was active I felt so alone and full of fear. Today I feel alive and full of hope (most days anyway). i'm able to keep a job now for ten months the longest time I'v ever had a job in a long time! i can get up on weekends and do things with my kids that I use to brush off because I was hung over. I can talk now with out slurring my words. I still have fear of the future,but learning slowly that if I put my faith into God and the program things will turn out the way it's ment to be. I'm learing to be humble as much as I can be LOL and I'm learing to listion to people instead of having my head up my bum. I'm a responcible person today and I can be a friend. I no longer try and "buy" friendships, I just talk and listion and that is what a friendship is all about anyway. I can't wait to get to know my new sponcer and as she says "we will walk the path of sobriety together". I'm excited about life and not dreading it. "Hello world, my name is Christie and I'm an alcoholic and I'm OK with that today."

[peajaye]

I am grateful you posted your story. Thank you for sharing yourself. It is the first time I've seen you use your name. I can't believe it has been 10 months since you started working. Means we've known each other a long time. (((((Zoomie)))))

[Doraine]

[bry]

Very Nice Job Sweetheart

[zoomie]

I'm now over three and a half years sober and someone read my story and wants to know how I work the steps. I try to do steps 1,2,3 everyday with my alcoholism. I have a new 24 hours each day to ask someone to help keep me sober. I'v have had the big question on weather or not there is a god,but I try to believe something or someone is out there looking after me. With my old sponcer we went through the steps by writing them out. He would ask me what each step ment to me and then tell me what they ment to him. He was very spirtual as my new sponcer is. They pick up where I leave off LOL. Right now I'm back in school for my human services degree,so I do not do a lot of service work,but I do try and do steps 10,11 and 12 everyday. I recently have made amends to my oldest daughter. We talked things out and I told her I was sorry for all the things I did when I was active. Now she wants a new car out of the deal LOL. Thats not going to happen,but I feel good knowing I can at least say I'm sorry and make a living amends to her and the rest of my children. I don't fly off the handle as much any more and if I do, I do a quick inventory and when I was wrong I admit it and learn from my mistakes. I'm still wating for God to remove my defects of caricture, it's slow going but people have said I have changed,so I guess I have. I have wrote out my 4th step and did my 5th with my old sponcer. Today I have things pop up that I did not remember telling my sponcer when I did my 4th and 5th,so I talk to another alcoholic and do a mini 4th and 5th. I wish I could do more service work,but I think right now God understands that I have my plate full so I can be a more productive member of society. I'v had my job almost 3 years now and that is something I would have never been able to do if I was drinking. I do arrive at meetings early to help set up and leave late to have a meeting after the meetings. I think all the steps are important,but the most important step for me is step 1. I can mess a whole day,but as long as I do not drink I acheved something that is more important then anything I do during that day. For example I just missed my 22 year old's birthday. I messed up and forgot the day. I felt so bad,but I did't drink over it. He may never forgive me,but I forgive myself because I'm worthy of forgiveness. I just want to add too that if my recovery seems simple thats because I try to keep it very simple. I use to anilize the crap out of everything,but my old sponcer said when all els fails, "don't drink and go to meetings." I'm not full of wizdom nor can I quote the big book,but having a sponcer, try working the steps everyday, read something on recovery everyday and write everyday seems to be working for me. AA is a very simple program,but any one can learn to complicate it.

[thereishope]

Hello zoomie,
I want to say thankyou for sharing your story and letting us in your recovery prosses.I feel so blessed to be a part of this recovery family.....
Thankyou so, so much........

[kmattingly001]

I too was molested while laying in bed with my passed out mother, at age 7, by my Maternal Grandfather. It went on for about 6 monthes, until I learned that if I wet the bed he would leave me alone. That seemed to work even though I would get my rear-end tore up the next day for doing so. You are not alone!!! Until now I thought I was...

[barbie25]

Thanks Zoomie. I saw alot of my life in yours. thank god we have this program so we know we are not alone in this journey.

[sonia n]

Hi, Zoomie just wanted to thank you for sharing your story

[zoomie]

Here I am over 5 years of recovery. I worked at one place for almost 4 years! I never had a job that long. Thanks to being sober I can now be responcible. I still have ups and downs. My kids all drive me nuts. Seems half of them have bi-polar or something. I just take my meds and go to meetings and hope for the best. I still keep my program simple. I do a lot of interacting on the computer instead of face to face. I can be more open on the computer. I still have my sponcer. She is a sweet woman eventhough she is busy a lot. Bry and I are still going strong dispite my kids. My 23 year old is living with us unmedicated and is causing a crimp in my marriage,but it will work out. I have faith. I don't think of the past like I did. I feel it's behind me know. I have lots to look forward too. As long as I do not drink my life is full of possibilities!!!