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Old 01-21-2011, 12:11 AM   #1
Darryl987
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My wife is a crack addict

Hi, I'm new. I was looking for a forum where I can get support and ideas.
My wife came up to me a couple of weeks before Christmas and told me that she had run her Visa up to the limit ($6000) and smoked it all. Her cousin, who's addicted to everything got her hooked.
Being naive, I bought her lines; "I haven't smoked it in weeks and I won't anymore" "I realized that what I want more than anything else is my life with you and I don't want to mess that up."
Well, I found out how naive I am today. She's been a little... not secretive, but conveniently forgetting to tell me about visiting her cousin, or going for a walk (which she doesn't do). Today, she told me she was going to go meet a friend of hers ('Shawn') for lunch. I tried to call her on her cell, but got no answer, so I hit 'redial' on the phone and asked the guy at the other end if I could speak to 'Shawn'. The guy had no idea who I was talking about. I said sorry, wrong number and hung up. When I looked at the phone, this number was stored under the name 'Maria', who is a 'real' friend. Then, he called me back - asked if my wife had left to see him yet (by her name, which I hadn't told him), then said "By the way, I'm 'Darren'.
I got extremely suspicious and checked her credit card. Sure enough, nearly $2000 in cash advances in the last 2 days. (After her credit limit was raised by $2000)
I waited for her to get home and confronted her with this. She immediately got P.O.'ed at me and threatened to go stay with her Mom if I couldn't trust her. She also had 'no idea' how the $2000 got withdrawn, and she also had no idea who 'Darren' was, even though she had obviously called him before she left the house, and he sure knew who she was. I panicked and said that I believed her so she wouldn't take off. She suffers from extreme depression and has attempted suicide a few times in the past, and I'm afraid that's what will happen if this charade falls down around her.
I did some reading here and on other sites and saw a lot of lines that I've heard... The ones above, and today: "Go buy a drug test kit!" and when I asked to check her pockets: "I won't be strip searched. I'm leaving!"
Anyways, she's upstairs with serious cotton mouth and I'm downstairs trying to figure out what the hell to do.
Sorry this is so long!
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Old 01-21-2011, 08:01 AM   #2
peajaye
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Darryl, I am so sorry, I know what it is like to find out your spouse is a crack addict. My husband at the time, did not have access to that kind of money though. He got my daughter hooked at 14 and it was a huge mess. I got him evicted from my home, but my daughter in treatment. In the end, she would go into about 5 or 6 rehabs before she had to come off my insurance.

She did not come clean until she wanted to and that was AFTER stealing thousands of dollars from me. Your wife will not get clean and you are enabling her by allowing her to have access to that kind of cash. Does she work or do you support her?

She will not be honest with you about anything because she has lost the ability to tell the truth. I would suggest finding an Nar-Anon meeting for yourself. That is an organization for families of drug addicts. They will help you learn to handle your emotions and figure out what is best for you.

I wish the best for you, but it sounds like you're in for the ride of your life.
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Old 01-21-2011, 11:16 AM   #3
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Darryl, I am also sorry you are going through this. I agree you need to get some help and support yourself--Nar-Anon or Al-Anon can help.

You will need strength and support to learn how not to enable her. She will not get help until she is ready, but you can lay down what rules you will live with. For example, you can leave her or kick her out and cut off the money stream so it does not fund her drug habit.

You can try talking to her when she is sober and tell her you are going to do these things if she doesn't get help. You can try to get help from family and friends to talk to her also. Try to convince her to go to rehab and/or to NA meetings.

It can be really hard to set the boundaries, but it is really the best thing to force the addict to make some choices.

Praying for you and her today!

Try to get some support and let us know how things are going.
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Old 01-21-2011, 02:00 PM   #4
sonofbear42
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Darrly - I really feel for you and your wife. It is going to be a tough road for both of you. Peajaye and Chewi offer great advise.

As an alcoholic myself I will tell you to never trust an addict. I have lied to many people that I love just to continue to drink. Nothing I would do if I was not addicted. I pride myself on my honesty - honest to a fault. You just find yourself saying the lie. Your priorities get all screwed up.

My son is an gaming addicted and has also threaten to committe suicide if we did not give his computer back to him - knife in hand. I can't say we always held the line firm but we did make it very hard for him. I tell you this because I wanted to let you know that we know how hard it is to work with somebody that might take that route. Especially if you love them.

BTW - my son is doing better and we did seek professional help to get him to where he is now.
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Old 01-21-2011, 02:58 PM   #5
Darryl987
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Thanks very much for your thoughts and suggestions. Just to update, today I got a call at work from her. All of a sudden she DID know the guy who'd called me back and she DID know where the money went. Unfortunately, the new "truth" is almost as hard to believe. She needed to pay back people from last year and she needed yet another $500 or she's "dead" (Saw this one on the list of lies too) Anyways, I asked her over and over, is this all you owe? and she assured me it was. I thought I would give her the benefit of the doubt once and said fine, I'd get the money for her and she could pay them off. Then she called back a half hour later and told me never mind - she'd got the money "from her visa" which is crap, because it's still maxed out from a couple days ago. I just got home and she's not here. I checked and nothing obvious (and worth any $) is missing from the house, so I'm guessing she'll have 'lost' her wedding ring, or scammed one of her parents or something.
I think she's bracing for a big talk this evening, so I guess I'll see if she's willing to tell me any truth yet. If not, there are going to be some serious changes in our lives over the weekend.
I'm only holding out some hope right now because of the fact that she knew she could get $500 from me and she told me not to bother. I'd think the "crack receptors" in her brain would've told her "Take that money too, then we can get twice as much!" But we'll see... she may need another $500 or they'll kill her again. I'll keep you updated and thanks again!
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Old 01-21-2011, 04:01 PM   #6
clean42day
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Never underestimate the kniving ability of a crack addict to use reverse psychology on you.

I did the same thing with my dad when I pawned every gun and thing of value in the house while he was in Belgium to "supposedly" pay off a drug dealer. it was all bull**** and 20 years later I had to come clean in my amends to him.

in my own career of crack addiction - I blew 98 thousdand dollars up in smoke and that was just the last year of my using...during a 25 year period - I smoked up 3 homes, 1 marriage, 2 cars, 3 careers, numerous jobs, my relationships, the people I loved, all of my possesions, my self worth, self esteem, my mental stability, and self trust all fit neatly into that crack pipe. I ended up homeless for 14 years on the streets of downtown LA.

I survived it and lived to tell about it - but I didn't stop until I had hit so many life threatening bottoms - that I had finally had enough. I got clean and sober at the age of 41....and I have 8 years now.

Beleive me when I tell you this: do not allow your guilt, your fears, or your love for her - to make you "enable" her addiction for one more day. You will only prolong the inevitible ending - and the inevitible choice is this: either she needs to go to treatment and get clean - or leave the relationship and continue to kill herself. (period).

if she really wants to get help - she will prove it by going into a rehab or taking outpatient classes...joining NA or getting some kind of therapy or psychological recovery help group.

if not - she will find a million creative excuses why she cannot do that. at that point you must recognize that she is not willing.

if you continue to enable her - you are continuing to help her kill herself on the installment plan - hit by hit - lie by lie - and moment by moment - her behavior will deteriorate...and she will pull you down into the pit of insantiy with her.

I've been there and done that - and I can never undo the damage I caused to some people.

No is it not an easy choice to make to tell the person you love and expected to spend the rest of your life with - to get help or get lost - but that is what an intervention is - it comes down to the hard chocies....sometimes life and death chocies.

my own brother was in your positon and he continued to "beleive her" - and she ended up putting him 60 thousand dollars in debt, sold the SUV he bought her to a drug dealer for some crack, she didn't pay any of the house bills she said she was paying, and she was using the house they lived in to sell sex to strangers while he was at work.

I wish I had been there - but I myself was doing all those things in my own addiction at the time.

when I got clean and spoke with him years later - he admitted that he too was in a type of denial as to how bad it could get and how he was pulled into a dellusional state of mind with her. He paid for 15 years on those debts long after he divorced her....the damage she caused continues to haunt his life and his ability to form new and trusting relationships.

in the meantime - while you are "going thorugh it" - you can come here for support and I will suggest the same thing PJ did - to get to a narnon meeting that will help to support your own emotional health and sanity while you yourself are going to have to make some hard choices too.

one being - that you must love yourself more - than she loves crack.

you could also try to organize a family intervention - but the most important aspect of that - is - once you set boundaries of what you are not willing to do anymore - your most important work is to follow through on those boundaries. and don't cave or back down - because you will only teach her that you cannot honor your own words and your own self.

You cannot make her do anything - but you can narrow the chocies she has available to her - to a fine line - to either get help - or kick rocks.

and please stay in touch here until you get some support for your own self during this process.

light and love

Gail
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Old 01-21-2011, 09:48 PM   #7
Darryl987
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Thanks Gail and everyone else. I guess I'm still sort of in the denial phase. We had a talk tonight and I told her exactly what her lies and pushing away have done to me. I asked her twice if she was smoking and got a firm "No" both times. I do know that I WILL hit a wall and there will be no option for me but to give her an ultimatum, but I'm terrified... Working on her - bringing up the confession she made to me, how proud I was that she did that. After all, maybe I've led a sheltered life, but I'd never seen the signs of crack use. When I was younger, there was no crack, coke was too expensive and mushrooms were about as risky as we ever got. Now I know about the cotton mouth and pupils the size of quarters (and I mentioned that to her today too) but telling her honestly (and honestly to me) that if she'd never have told me, I sure as hell wouldn't have known. I'm trying to work on that and hopefully appeal to what's left of her sane mind and love and maybe get another admission. If that happens, then I can push her to go to rehab. If I push now while she's denying, then she'll just disappear, and I'm definitely not in any state of mind to let her go (yet). I'm hoping that the sane part of her brain can still say "Hey, I'm hurting the guy I love" and it can be heard over the addicted part that's saying "Phew, that was close. What an idiot. Let's have a hit!", which I'm sure it's saying to her right now.
I honestly don't care about the money that's gone now. That can be paid off in installments. If the debt gets horribly out of control, then I'll declare bankruptcy. I don't care about money, as long as there's a roof and power. peajaye, to answer your question - she has her own visa that she's had since before we were married. We have a joint account (always empty after bills come out) and that's about it. Once her visa is done, she'll have no access to cash (she can't work because of her depression), but I can't do anything about it because it's in her name, so all I can do is demand that she shut it down, which will have to wait and be added to other demands once I get a grip and decide to deal with this (or hopefully she gives me an opening)
I guess the biggest problem is I read all of everybody's comments and I KNOW you're 100% right, but I can't act out of fear of losing her. I'm sure this will switch over for me at some point, but I've always been a doormat and am so scared of losing her. Yes, this p***es me off, but that's who I am too.
Oh, and she still has her wedding ring - don't know where she got the money, but I don't think she's moved on to stealing or prostitution or anything yet. She is/was a very moral person, and I know that it'll take her getting a lot deeper than she is now before she'll stoop to that. (Not saying she won't, but that's "who she is" - her being, and I know she hasn't lost who she is YET.) My best guess is her greaseball cousin scammed some from his family (again) and actually offered to help out with the drug bills. I know he did help a few times when they were doing this last year.
Thanks again, all. I will go check out naranon. I know that even writing these long missives and reading your replies has helped me personally a LOT. At some point I will be ready to put my foot down, even if it scares me now.
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Old 01-21-2011, 10:32 PM   #8
CD BUCKBERRY
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Darryl987, It sounds like you may be at your wits end.As you said you stopped using it ,that is good .As a addict of 39 years before getting clean,I could lie to anyone to get what I needed or wanted.Maxing out the credit card sucks ,you'll have to pay the damm interest that can amount to quite a lot.Try n Naronon or Narcotics Anonymous , they might help you deal with the situation.Sounds like your woman should get in detox and a program to get off that crack ****,it's no good.Keep up your spirit,you have to take care of yourself.
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Old 01-21-2011, 10:44 PM   #9
Darryl987
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Thanks, CD. Like I said, sooner or later I will build up the courage to give her an ultimatum, no matter what the consequences are. I just have to work through my doormat personality. You'd be amazed what I've let slide in the past... Catching an ex in bed with another guy and then begging her to come back to me. You can bet I'm definitely not proud of that, but I've never been able to change who I am, and it's going to take time before I've had enough.
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Old 01-22-2011, 08:03 AM   #10
Igiveup
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I am reading with interest all the Posts so far.Drug Addiction ,what can I say.Im free now for Years Thank God.All I can say is every Man/Woman for himself/herself.No one could help me but me............I looked after myself .,attended meetings,eventually overcame the withdrawls,and obsessions.
I wont tell you what you should do,all I can tell you Is what worked for me.

I have one memory of what my Girlfriend did the last time I broke out.
She left me while I was asleep. bringing with her our child..."Who is Now 26years by the way":........I was devistated.......I eventually found out where she was........and knew that what I was at was unacceptible and irresponsible and I needed to get help.
I have not looked back sense.
Up until then everyone was enableing me..........that day she did not..........she left me to do what ever I wanted to do.
I really did not want to die..I got Strength and Courage to carry on.
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