Random Acts Of Thinking

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My weight problem is hereditary. It was passed down from my mouth to my stomach.

Did I tell you about the veterinarian who went into business with a taxidermist? Their motto was, "Either way, you get your dog back."

If Pinocchio got a haircut, would it be a whittle off the top?

I don't mind that my wife reads lips, I just wish she wouldn't use a highlighter.

In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said, "Let there be light." And God separated the light from the dark. And then God did two loads of laundry.

Most people don't need spell check ... they need smart check.

Most search engines are useless. I mean, why would I want 1,312,942 references to my search term? That's like saying, "Good news! We found that product you were looking for. It's on earth."

My wife got tired of painting her toenails, so she had vinyl siding installed on them.

Why do we make our kids wear 8 different types of protective gear to go skating but we won't put seat belts on a school bus?

I bought a stationary bike because I wanted a metaphor for my career.

How is it that science can accurately predict a solar eclipse years in advance but can't tell me what the weather will be like this weekend?

I have CDO. It's Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, only alphabetized ... like it should be.

My wife and I grow closer every year. Well, our stomachs do, anyway.

Forget smoking vs. non-smoking, what restaurants *really* need now is a "no cell phone section."