The Problem

[Peggyannvt]

The Problem
Montpelier Vermont ACOA

Many of us find that we have several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic household.

We become isolated, and uneasy with other people – especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we become people-pleasers, even though we lose our identities in the process. Personal criticism is perceived as a threat.

We either become alcoholics ourselves, or pair with them – or both. Failing that, we find another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our need for the familiarity of abandonment.

Because we were victims, we see life from the standpoint of victims.

We have overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and prefer to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. Thus, we become reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative, and continuing to feel resentful and victimized.

We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment. We’ll do almost anything to hold on to a relationship, but we keep choosing insecure relationships because they match our childhood experience with our parents.

Alcoholism is a family disease, and we can see ourselves as “para-alcoholics,� taking on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink.

We learned to stuff our feelings in childhood, and we tend to keep them buried, perhaps with occasional explosions of emotions that feel out of control and dangerous.

We confuse love and pity, and love those we can pity and rescue.

We become addicted to anxiety and excitement, preferring crisis and upset to relaxation and serenity. Calm relationships often seem boring to us.

We judge ourselves harshly, and have very low self-esteem. We guess at what normal is.

This is not an indictment. It’s a description of some of the issues many of us share.


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LOVE
Peggyann

[fibiray]

well this has certainly sumed me up to a tee. How I internalise things has always been a problem which has left me at times to suffer in silence rather than speak up. I too view things from the perception of victim, there is a perverse pleasure in that. I came to realise that this was also a form of self pity which for me was also a form of anger. An anger that was very powerful yet so so subtle. Combine this with an overactive head that has thoughts that run rampant at night and keep me awake, this can be a dangerous thing for me. I guess underlying much of this is fear. I don't handle well with confrontation as i find that I am never equiped enough with effective communication skills to defend myself. Often i find that I dish out a reaction that is quite explosive and always in the extreme. Finding that balance is still in progress.

[Peggyannvt]

Originally Posted by fibiray

. I came to realise that this was also a form of self pity which for me was also a form of anger. An anger that was very powerful yet so so subtle.

Thank you for putting those together.

Every time I get into the poor me's, my partner asks if I want to pour me a drink.

LOVE
Peggyann

[clean42day]

you know what I have found that takes me straight out of being a victim? to ask myself the question what has this circumstance, person, place, or thing...come to teach me? it automatically puts me back into the personal responsible frame of mind and reminds me I am not a victim...just a student of lifes lessons. it's pretty hard to be a student and a victim at the same time.

one of my tools that works for me anyway

[darlintaz]

I have always seen me as the victim, and had it not been for rehab I guess I would still be the victim. ! What an eye opener that was !!!!
I especially like "frame of mind" state from clean42day ! ( I haven't figured out how to quote yet) lol
And anger is a big, big issue with me.
I look forward to this forum !!!

[PatNewMex]

Originally Posted by clean42day

you know what I have found that takes me straight out of being a victim? to ask myself the question what has this circumstance, person, place, or thing...come to teach me? it automatically puts me back into the personal responsible frame of mind and reminds me I am not a victim...just a student of lifes lessons. it's pretty hard to be a student and a victim at the same time.

I recently came upon a book because of my studies in meditation. It is called "the power of now" by Eckhart Tolle. One thing he talks about is learning to disassociate your mind from "you", from who you really are. The ego is a powerful thing, but is isn't WHO you are.

A great tool in learning to do this is called "observing the thinker". When you find yourself emotional, especially a negative one (victim/martyr), immediately act as an outside observer. As if your soul takes one step outside your body, and OBSERVES without judgement. It's a great way to learn. You just have to remember to DO it! :)