reflections............

[clean42day]

Once I did my fourth and fifth and honestly looked, admitted and took responsibility for all that I had created in my life, I was overwhelmed. I was intensely overwhelmed with the same fear that was the same root of my troubles that underscored most of my fourth step. Fear had caused me to act in ways that were dishonorable, self-defeating, and disrespectful of self and others. Having this knowledge and owning it, at first, immobilized me. I was unable or should I say "unwilling" to make any decisions lest I might make the wrong ones again. Being immobilized by fear and motivated by it are two completely different things.

Going through an average day full of self doubt was terrifying. I would dissect every little thing I thought, every action, every choice. Were there impure motives and intentions motivating my actions? Was I rationalizing and justifying old behavior. Had my denial just hidden behind a different curtain?

I have heard time and again from many members that self-centered fear and selfishness was and is still the root of my troubles. And that the disease, denial, and fear manifest in small little ways. Like superficial dishonesty, complacency, procrastination. My disease tells me that I don't need to call that friend back....that she won't care. That following through with what I say I will do is not that important. That it is ok to miss a meeting. So what if it takes me a week to do something that could only take a few minutes to complete. Small little insignificant things that no one else knows about.....(BUT ME).

That is how my disease erodes my self-trust, encourages self doubt, before I know it....I am right back into anger and resentment against self.
Fear, anger and resentment is what leads me right back to seeking relief in all the wrong places....and not necessarily to a drink. It tells me that it is ok to be an emotional predator and validate my worth externally through others. It tells me that it is ok to stay so busy that I effectively avoid taking a deep look inside at what is "driving" my busyness. It tells me that outward accomplishment is a good veneer or replacement for lack of inner self acceptance. It drives me to do things that make me look so good on the outside....that I begin to believe there is nothing wrong on the inside. That great wall of denial is being reconstructed brick by brick, choice by choice, action by action. Until I have myself convinced of two things.....that I can rely on self will once again....and that I am not powerless over anything. The result is always the same....unmanageability without a drink.

in many little ways the disease of alcoholism/addiction maneuvers me away from the power of God, from my connection to spirit, from my alignment with his will, and the farther away I get from the reason I have been given this gift in the first place.....the more denial takes over.

I have been given the gift of sobriety and recovery, not through any human aid, but through divine intervention. And the only way I can keep it....is to stay in conscious contact with that which gave me the gift in the first place. Any priority I place above the spiritual path according to self will, will either become another painful learning experience, or another dead end with a wall at the end of it.

Once I made that decision in the 3rd step to turn my will and life over.....my life is no longer just my own. I must live it in alignment with the God of my understanding......and make decisions, choices, and take actions according to spiritual principals, not my own little plans and designs.

Every time I step out on faith and make choices that go against what my (fear-ego) says to do.....the result is a spiritual awakening. Every time I set my own little plans and designs aside and follow a higher principal....the result is a spiritual awakening. Every time I take a right action in spite of myself....the result is a spiritual awakening.

How do I know this.....because when I don't live by spiritual principals believe me I have emotional awakenings that causes so much unmanageability I can't stand it.

Through the disease of alcoholism and addiction…..I wrecked my life one choice, decision and action at a time……in recovery as long as I am living by spiritual principals….I can rebuild this life, one choice, one decision and one action at a time. Sometimes minute by minute, moment by moment and definitely day by day.

Either I make choices based on fear
Or based on faith and right action.
I am responsible for both.
And the results of both are obvious

Thanks for listening

light and love

Gail